WEDNESDAY: Moving into the cellar.

NBA owners voted today to keep the Kings in Sacramento, in a special form of voting where everyone manages to lose.

TUESDAY: What they paid for.

The IRS has admitted that it specially targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. The Department of Justice is investigating the matter while the Department of Self-Fulfilling Prophecy calls it an open and shut case.

MONDAY: Info grab.

The Associated Press announced that the Obama administration has been continuously seizing telephone records of AP offices and reporters in secret. The administration says that it obtained the records legally as part of a leak investigation, which appears to still be an issue.

FRIDAY: Labor pains.

400 fast-food workers in Detroit walked out of more than 60 restaurants today, demanding the right to form a union. The move was celebrated by labor leaders, Democratic politicians and cardiologists.

@SethWeitberg

THURSDAY: Numbers gain.

It was revealed today that in February hackers stole $45 million from worldwide bank ATM's with large numbers of criminals using fraudulent debit cards. The rest just stood real close while you were entering your PIN.

WEDNESDAY: Justice serviced.

An Italian appeals court upheld the conviction of former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi on tax fraud and sentences him to four years in prison. Upon hearing the ruling, Berlusconi removed himself from a coworker and said he would think about it.

TUESDAY: Breeding grounds.

A new study by the University of California, Davis suggests that all Europeans are related to small group of ancestors dating back only 1,000 years. The researchers cannot place the group's exact location, but they are pretty they were all staying in the same hostel.

MONDAY: Trading issues.

A new Swedish study published in the journal Pediatrics finds that children whose parents suck on their pacifiers have fewer allergies later in life. So go ahead and cross "allergies" off the list of things Swedish children will have to discuss in therapy.

FRIDAY: Yellow fever.

The world's largest rubber duck makes its way to Hong Kong today, where citizens are expected to run through the streets screaming under the assumption that it is hellbent on destroying their city.

@SethWeitberg

THURSDAY: Tiny accomplishment.

Harvard scientists unveiled RoboBee today, a robot with the smallest ever man-made wings capable of flight. The announcement marks the first success for the university's controversial Innerspace division, which everyone agreed seemed like a rad idea back in 1987.

WEDNESDAY: Fight for your fight.

A May Day protest in Seattle escalated into violence, causing injuries to eight police officers and damage to storefront property. The violence came as a major surprise to everyone involved considering no one could exactly remember what May Day was for.

TUESDAY: Iced out.

The Stanley Cup playoffs begin today, or as they are known around the NBC offices, "the NHL write-offs".

MONDAY: Insert balls joke here.

NBA center Jason Collins today became the first active player in a major American sport to announce that he is gay. Collins said that he does not want to be treated differently by anyone, except every gay man in America.

FRIDAY: On the money.

Governor of the Bank of England Mervyn King announces that Winston Churchill will be featured on the 5 pound bank note which he says will likely begin circulation in 2016. Churchill secured the honor by edging out James Bond, Sherlock Holmes and a glass of gin.

@SethWeitberg

THURSDAY: Library cards.

The George W. Bush Presidential Center was dedicated in Dallas, Texas today. There is no truth to the rumor that Dick Cheney will actually be running the place.

WEDNESDAY: Foul disclosure.

Liverpool striker Luis Suárez was banned for ten games by the FA for biting Chelsea's Branislav Ivanović. Suárez insists the penalty would be less severe had he not used his hands.

TUESDAY: The digital error.

The United States stock market underwent a flash crash of 1 percent when the Twitter feed from the Associated Press news agency was hacked, saying that several explosions had injured President Barack Obama. The AP said the incident will not deter them from staying up with the times by having a Twitter feed, but they now see why "password" was perhaps not the best password.

MONDAY: Hush money.

Ralph Lauren has agreed to pay $1.6 million for claims of bribery to public officials in Argentina from 2005 to 2009, and another $4.5 million to the press to shut the hell up about it.

FRIDAY: Nickel and millions of dimes.

The FAA has approved a fix of the lithium-ion battery in Boeing's 787s, clearing the way for its resumption of service. Customers should expect to see a $20-$45,000 "lithium-ion battery fee" on upcoming tickets.

@SethWeitberg

THURSDAY: Wording up.

The United States reclaimed its spot as the top export market for Japan today, mainly due to a spike in the supply of unemployed 22-year-old English teachers.

WEDNESDAY: Robotch.

A U.S. drone attack killed five people in Pakistan today, which officials stated was pretty damn close to Saudi Arabia where they were aiming.

TUESDAY: Down and out.

American Airlines grounded flights across the United States due to a glitch in its computer system today. The glitch was later proven to be what is known as "gas prices."

MONDAY: Crash and learn.

The pilot and co-pilot of a Lion Air plane that crashed in Indonesia passed their initial drug tests, ruling out narcotics as a cause for the accident. Investigators now will move on to testing their second theory, that the cause was shitty, low-budget, Indonesian pilots.

FRIDAY: Other space.

Russian President Vladimir Putin unveiled a new $50 billion drive for the country to preserve its status as a top space power, today. Putin went on to explain just how important it is to keep Russian citizens focused on the next frontier, instead of the shitty one they live in.

@SethWeitberg

THURSDAY: Leftovers.

Scientists found a rare dinosaur egg with the remaining fossil of an embryo in China, prompting one lazy bachelor to clean out his fridge more often.

WEDNESDAY: Still pushing buttons.

Worldwide sales of personal computers fell 14% during the first quarter of 2013, the largest drop on record since tracking began in 1994. A declining interest in pornography was immediately ruled out as a cause.

TUESDAY: Hippées.

France legalized same-sex marriage today, only further cementing its reputation as "The Vermont of Europe."

MONDAY: No diplomatic immunity.

Margaret Thatcher passed away today, in spite of earlier reports that she had died seeing Iron Lady.

FRIDAY: In the weeds.

An ESPN investigation revealed widespread use of synthetic cannabis among members of Auburn's 2010 National Championship football team. The university immediately responded, promising all future recruits that they would get the natural stuff.

@SethWeitberg

THURSDAY: Critical rest.

Roger Ebert died today at the age of 70. His family reports that he will be buried thumbs up.