FRIDAY: Field notes.

The GOP candidates squared off again in Florida yesterday, although Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney showed up round and crooked, respectfully.

On Thursday, Sarah Palin accused the Republican establishment of trying to "crucify" Gingrich. The former Speaker insists he does not mind considering he has a knack for rising from the dead every few days.

A new poll out of Florida shows that Mitt Romney has once again claimed the lead over Newt Gingrich. Romney got a gig bump from seniors who remembered what year it was.

Enjoy the weekend now because you do not get another one until next week.

Follow along at Twitter.com/SethWeitberg.

THURSDAY: Sharing in the pain.

WWE wrestler John Cina was honored this week for granting 250 wishes for the Make-a-Wish Foundation, the most by any one person. Unfortunately, every single wish so far has been for him to put his head through a steel chair

Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich are neck and neck in the Florida polls, although Gingrich is way ahead if you actually just compare neck and neck.

WEDNESDAY: Speech integument.

The president delivered his State of the Union address last night in Washington. The GOP had a strongly worded retort available to everyone early yesterday morning.

In the speech, the president encouraged Americans to learn a lesson from the U.S. Military, about taking care of one another. Everyone on both sides of the aisle agreed, that they had to stand and look like they agreed.

The economy was the main focus of the speech, as Presdent Obama asked Americans to support measures to get the country on track to succeed in the future. A flash poll revealed that Americans supported thinking about solutions for the future, but not nearly as much as they supported thinking about themselves in the present.

TUESDAY: Mute Gingrich.

Newt Gingrich went on TV this morning to criticize Brian Williams for asking the audience to stay silent in last night's debate. Gingrich stressed that it is difficult to gauge his success if he cannot hear the screams of the innocent.

Oscar nominations were released this morning. Mitt Romney is expected to clean up in the "Best Performance in a Tax Bracket" category.

MONDAY: Swinging state.

A week ago, Mitt Romney was up 20 points in Florida, but two new polls now have Newt Gingrich up by 9 points. The results demonstrate that if any one thing is true in the GOP primary, it is that voters have no clue what they think about anything.

Newt faces a major battle with Florida voters, though, as he will have to fight tooth and nail to restrain his instinct to leave them all for a younger, more attractive electorate.

FRIDAY: Quit while you're behind.

On Thursday, Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. Perry said he thought he did a decent job answering questions throughout the campaign, but he was really hoping for more physical challenges.

New numbers from Public Policy Polling show Newt Gingrich with an attractive 6-point lead in South Carolina. He is reportedly planning on going forward with PPP and leaving all of the other polls to die.

Mitt Romney got drilled during last night's GOP debate with questions about his personal wealth. Although he was cautious and avoided saying much, the crowd decided that he was still not being conservative.

Have a great weekend. Be sure to end your week.

Follow along at Twitter.com/SethWeitberg.

THURSDAY: Faking the upper hand.

Democrats in Congress have entered the year's first session with a much stronger negotiating position on issues like a middle class tax cut and unemployment benefits. Just about anything would be an improvement over last year's negotiating position, face down on the ground with their heads out the door.

In response to threats that one of Newt Gingrich's ex-wives may release an interview, that promises to bury his campaign, the candidate had his two daughters send a letter to ABC News. In it, they encourage the media not to dwell on who their father fucked over in the past, and instead stay focused on who he could fuck over in the future.

WEDNESDAY: Just a tip.

Under pressure to release his tax returns, Mitt Romney estimated yesterday that he pays about 15% in taxes. Some years, Romney is even willing to give the government up to 20% if the service is excellent.

Romney said he will reconsider releasing his records in April, as opposed to all of his other positions, which he is willing to reconsider immediately.

TUESDAY: Its waning men.

A new CNN poll shows that a lack of enthusiasm for the candidates may be sapping energy from GOP voters for the general election. Or, it could be all of the old age and yelling.

Lindsay Lohan says she has agreed to play Elizabeth Taylor on Lifetime, while her publicist says she will continue to play a train wreck everywhere else.

Dwayne Wade got a $230,00 sports car for his birthday this past weekend. Teammate LeBron James is not allowed to drive it until he learns how to handle the clutch.

MONDAY: Statueless.

The Golden Globes were held in Los Angeles last night. After failing to win a single award all evening, Jon Huntsman announced that he is dropping out of the GOP presidential primary.

The NFC's #1 seed and defending Super Bowl champions, the Green Bay Packers lost on Sunday to the New York Giants. The small city of Green Bay was so broken up about it that they drank themselves into oblivion, or, northeastern Wisconsin.

Rupert Murdoch has reportedly lashed out at Google. They should get his letter sometime this week.

FRIDAY: Stance, stance revolution.

President Obama wants the authority to consolidate government agencies to reduce the size of the government, he announced today. The move should put him in solid position to secure the Republican nomination by February.

Conservative voters in South Carolina have a tough call to make, deciding between Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry and Rick Santorum. God will actually be supporting Ron Paul, but only because He has been stockpiling gold for the last few millenia.

God would get behind Mitt Romney, were it not for the fact that while at Bain, Romney tried to acquire Heaven and merge it with Hell.

Enjoy the weekend, but please just take one.

Follow along at Twitter.com/SethWeitberg.

THURSDAY: Gotta give it up for God.

A new book alleges that while a leader in the Mormon church, Mitt Romney pressured a single mother to give her unborn baby up for adoption. Romney has wavered on his pro-life stance, but he has always thought that human beings deserve the right to be born, before you fire them.

The Ford motor company is recalling almost half a million mini-vans after discovering that a particular part may fail, causing a crash. The defect was first discovered by a few dozen people who thought life had gotten bad enough.

Warren Buffet and Mitch McConnell continue to bicker through the press about the appropriate tax rate for high earners. All this and more in our next edition of, "Into The Jowl's Flap."

WEDNESDAY: Old Hampshire.

Mitt Romney finished in first place in the New Hampshire GOP primary last night, despite some recent blunders on the campaign trail. With his lead, though, Romney can afford a few gaffes, especially considering there's not much he can't afford.

Ron Paul came in second, or as it is known in political circles, a "Ron Paul First," and Rick Perry got less than 1% of the vote, officially making him part of the 99%.

Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum both got less than 10% of the vote in New Hampshire, which is still pretty darn good for a couple of assholes.

TUESDAY: Race issues.

In GOP Primary news, Mitt Romney is doing absolutely horribly on the campaign trail, according to people who do not like Mitt Romney.

Jon Huntsman is still running, and Newt Gingrich is still yelling. Gingrich, if nominated, would of course be our nation's first Potato-American candidate in a national election.

Rick Perry has already abandoned New Hampshire and is on to South Carolina already, as he would prefer to be hated by people with southern, conservative values. Perry is vulnerable within the party on immigration issues, so South Carolina offers him an exciting chance to find a fun, new way to screw up.

And Rick Santorum continues to be a liquid, according to sources.

MONDAY: The state of The Granite State.

Three separate polls coming out of New Hampshire over the weekend all show GOP presidential frontrunner Mitt Romney with a commanding lead. Given his control there, it is likely that Romney will spend the next twenty-four hours trying to downsize the state so he can acquire Vermont.

Rick Santorum will hold six events today, Newt Gingrich will hold seven and Ron Paul will hold someone's hand so he does not fall down while he is yelling.

FRIDAY: Letting tit all hang out.

A coalition of mothers is pushing for Sesame Street to once again show women breastfeeding, as the children's show did in the '70s and '80s. They stopped in the '90s, at which point Oscar, the trashcan dwelling monster, became a grouch.

A new study confirms that Christopher Columbus brought syphilis back to Europe when he returned from the New World. The disease was largely ignored, though, as everyone was pretty focused on the bounty of stale corn and Indian teeth.

Willow Palin got a $40 ticket for driving with a busted headlight this week. She told police that her mother insisted she only needed to see on the right.

Have a great weekend, but please only take one.

Follow along at Twitter.com/SethWeitberg.

THURSDAY: A conservative decision.

Michele Bachmann announced she was ending her campaign today, after a miserable showing in the Iowa caucuses. Texas Governor Rick Perry then decided to stay in the race, insisting that someone had to be there to forget everything.

WEDNESDAY: A different shade of white.

Mitt Romney came out ahead of Rick Santorum by a mere eight votes in last night's Iowa caucuses. Santorum was able to capitalize on a last-minute surge of support from conservative voters who felt that Romney's salt and pepper hair was a bit too ethnic.

Newt Gingrich, speaking following the vote tallying, appeared angry, petty and tired. Supporters said that it was nice to see him back to his old self.

Rick Perry will head back to Texas to reevaluate his campaign with his staff. He is expected to withdraw from the race, although it could take him a few weeks to remember once the decision is made for him.

TUESDAY: Caucus amongst yourselves.

Heading into today's Iowa caucuses, the GOP field is in a tight three-way race. Voters will turn out across the state to determine which candidate a few thousand white Midwesterners thinks is the least unelectable.

Mitt Romney, Ron Paul and Rick Santorum all have a shot to come away the winner in Iowa, which would assure them at least one night of comfort, cradled in the burly arms of Michele Bachmann's husband.

Newt Gingrich has completely fallen out of favor with Republican voters, but he assures supporters that the downturn will not dampen his passion for bombast, garrulousness or cheating on his wife.

One thing is for certain - come Wednesday morning, one candidate will be able to confidently assert that he is slightly less of a failure than all the other jerks.

MONDAY: Mitt, lose or draw.

With only a day to go before the Iowa caucuses, frontrunner Mitt Romney appears more relaxed than ever. Aides said they could see him daydreaming between events, whimsically doodling "Obama Beats Romney,"  over and over in a notebook.

Even if Romney does not win in Iowa, a top three finish will position him well for the nomination. He hopes to lock it up before Super Tuesday, as he will need time off the trail before the general election to recharge his battery cells and download new positions.

Romney has been able to paint recent poll-riser Rick Santorum as a Washington insider, as opposed to Romney himself, who has spent the last five years trying to get elected to be the king of Washington insiders.

SUNDAY: THE YEAR IN REBUKE (PART 2)

July 5th - The Casey Anthony verdict dominates the news, proving just how little Americans want to hear about the debt crisis.

August 5th - Standard & Poor's lowers the United States' credit rating from AAA to AA+. The U.S. has a much more difficult time getting approved for that apartment it wanted.

August 9th - Wisconsin voters head to the polls for recall elections, to determine who they are going to wish was not in power in three months.

August 24th - A magnitude-5.8 cracks the Washington Monument. Democrats say that the only way to fix it is to first make the crack much, much bigger, while Republicans would like to immediately fill it with welfare recipients.

October 6th - Apple founder Steve Jobs passes away at the age of 56. Turtleneck stocks tumble.

October 10th - Netflix decides to remain one company, instead of splitting into separate mailing and streaming businesses, making it much easier for customers to resent the entire business.

October 11th - NBA Commissioner David Stern cancels the first two weeks of the season amidst a lockout. The Sacramento Kings still find a way to lose those games.

October 20th - Officials confirm that Muammar Gaddafi is dead, but his irrepressible fashion style refuses to go calmly.

October 28th - The Statue of Liberty turns 125. Lady Liberty spends the special day by herself, reflecting on how wonderful it is to never get neck fat.

October 31st - The world population hits 7 billion people, although it weighed in at 7 billion people a couple decades ago.

November 4th - Andy Rooney passes away, and immediately complains about how much better the afterlife used to be.

November 11th - Billy Crystal is announced as the host for the Oscars, or so Eddie Murphy and his crack team of make-up artists would have you believe.

November 14th - Occupy Wall Street protesters are cleared out of Zuccotti Park, and forced to return to their much less comfortable Brooklyn apartments.

November 15th - Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski records his 903rd win, giving him the most of anyone in men's college basketball history. As a way of congratulating him, the Polish community awards him another consonant.

December 15th - The U.S. formally ends the Iraq War, and immediately looks for another hole to dump its money into.

December 18th - North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong Il dies. State-run television announces that he will be back to work in January.

Happy New Year, everyone. May your 2012 be rich with conquests and full of joy.

FRIDAY: THE YEAR IN REBUKE (PART 1)

January 3rd - The New York Times reports that Goldman Sachs invested $450 million in Facebook. The expenditure is part of the banking giant's New Year's resolution to make more friends.

January 16th - The Social Network takes top honors at The Golden Globe Awards. Producers strongly consider making films about Twitter, LOL Cats and "404 - Page Not Found."

January 18th - Bret Favre submits his official retirement papers, or, at least the shreds league officials were able to pry from his white-knuckled grip.

January 21st - Keith Olbermann makes his last appearance on MSNBC. His show continues to run for another week, though, as the network airs the remaining echoes from all of his shouting.

January 24th - Joe Biden reports for jury duty in Delaware, insisting to local officials that he has absolutely nothing else to do.

January 25th - President Obama delivers his second State of the Union address, during which he outlines his vision for "winning the future." The president got the idea when it became pretty clear that the present was not worth taking.

February 6th - The Green Bay Packers defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers in the Super Bowl. Bears fans demand that the MVP trophy go to Jay Cutler’s knee.

February 16th - Border files for bankruptcy. Everyone reads about it online.

February 18th - 25,000 people turn out in Madison to protest anti-union actions from the governor. The crowd was made up of school employees, students and a group of extremely lost Libyans.

February 22nd -  Rahm Emanuel is elected mayor of Chicago. The City Council promptly evacuates its bowels.

February 27th - James Franco and Anne Hathaway host the Oscars to appeal to younger viewers. Only older viewers watch, who all find it unappealing.

March 10th - The Dalai Lama announces his plans to step down as Tibet’s political leader. Mitt Romney immediately announces his candidacy.

March 11th - A massive earthquake hits Japan. Charlie Sheen does everything he can to outdo the disaster.

March 30th - Obama announces that he wants to reduce US oil imports by one third by 2025. It is unclear whether he is including whatever we suck out of our Gulf shrimp.

March 31st - Major League Baseball opens its season, providing a huge boost to the geriatric community who had gone months without something on television to sleep to.

April 4th - President Obama officially announces his 2012 candidacy, eager to share in the American experience of spending two years trying to get a job.

April 17th - Nicolas Cage is arrested in New Orleans. A judge sentences him to thirty minutes of Drive Angry.

April 21st - A year following the largest oil spill in world history, BP sues its partners Halliburton and Transocean for more than $80 billion in the case Pot v. Kettle.

April 27th - President Obama releases his long-form birth certificate. Skeptics still say that it does not explain how a black man became president.

April 29th - Royal Wedding! Women all across the country tune in to quietly begrudge Kate Middleton.

May 1st - Osama Bin Laden is killed in Pakistan. Navy SEALs give him a proper Islamic burial at sea, instead of burning him on a pyre on Endor surrounded by drunk Ewoks.

May 13th - Britney Spears parents claim that she is "mentally incapable" of testifying in the trial of her former manager, but Spears fights the assertion, claiming that she is mentally incapable of doing way more than just that.

May 16th - Rahm Emanuel takes over for Richard M. Daley. He says that the memory of his predecessor will always remain in his office, mainly because it's really hard to get out that old mayor smell.

May 18th - Oprah Winfrey tapes her final shows on a massive stage in the United Center all week. The building was powered by the piercing screams of 13,000 middle-aged women.

May 23rd - The Supreme Court upholds an order for California to cut its prison population by over 30,000 inmates. Many of them will be transferred to other jurisdictions while the vast majority are expected to go into investment banking.

May 30th - With allegations against him and the university still swirling, Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel resigns, after he realized there was no way he was going to be able to sell the job.

June 16th - After sending out lewd photos, New York Congressman Anthony Weiner resigns, bowing to pressure from Democrats who felt his presence would be too distracting. Weiner had fought back for weeks, determined to hang on to his seat in the House, and desperate to retain the gym privileges.

June 23rd - The FDA announces that not all silicone breast implants will last a lifetime, much like the relationships they attempted to fix.

June 23rd - The NBA draft is held, with Duke's Kyrie Irving going #1 to the Cleveland Cavaliers, who presented him with a team hat and a sincere apology.

Part 2 comes Sunday, in a special weekend edition of The Week in Rebuke.

FRIDAY: The thrill of the gall.

Mitt Romney is making a big push in Iowa on the heels of poll numbers that show him surging to the lead. The former Massachusetts governor was so excited by this week's success that he paid not one, but two people to come in and shed tears of joy for him.

A large majority of Iowa voters continue to be undecided. The accelerated primary calendar has made it difficult for residents of the state, who are used to having eight months to make a decision instead of this year's breakneck seven.

In an effort to claim that President Obama is inciting class warfare, Romney has been comparing him to Marie Antoinette, a line that will certainly resonate with Iowa's huge population of, hardworking, blue collar, 18th century French historians.

Have a great weekend and a brand new year.

Follow along at Twitter.com/TheWeekinRebuke.

THURSDAY: e-rror.

The New York Times accidentally sent an email on Wednesday, asking 8 million people to reconsider unsubscribing their home delivery service. The email was, in fact, intended to go to everyone.

Kim Jong Un was declared "supreme leader" of North Korea, the position recently freed up by the death of his father, Kim Jon Il. Kim Jong Un does not have a son of his own yet, but he plans to demand that one come into existence in the near future.

WEDNESDAY: Race to the bottom.

Ron Paul maintains a lead in Iowa polls heading toward next week's caucus. A victory for Paul would mark a significant accomplishment to tell people about all next year, while he is watching the rest of the election from his home in Texas.

Former GOP candidate Gary Johnson is doing anything he can to try and get some media attention. Johnson announced today that he will seek the Libertarian nomination, after tweeting pictures of his genitals failed to get any attention.

In an effort to lure conservative voters, Rick Perry is attempting to move even further to the right on the issue of abortion. Now he is saying that having one should not just be illegal, it should be punishable by death.

TUESDAY: Staying out of the chicken coop.

Governor Terry Branstad has signaled that he is unlikely to endorse a candidate before the Iowa caucus on January 3rd, whereas the rest of the GOP is unlikely to back a candidate after.

Newt Gingrich has finally gone negative against frontrunner Mitt Romney, in a statement released yesterday by the campaign in which he points out the candidate's penchant for switching positions. Gingrich on the other hand picks a position and sticks to it, unless that position gets cancer and a younger, more attractive position offers to sleep with him.

Ron Paul is not taking so well to his brief moment of scrutiny in the media, where he immediately revealed himself to be the person he has been saying he was for quite some time.

MONDAY: Calls it like he smells it.

Actor Daniel Craig told Men's Health magazine in a recent interview, that, "Politicians are shitheads." There has been no formal reply from anyone in Washington or London yet, although they may have difficulty understanding the sentiment, considering that their heads are made of shit.

In New York on Saturday, a Walmart customer was arrested after punching a 70-year-old greeter in the face. The employee made the mistake of asking to see the customer's receipt, and the customer made the mistake of bargain shopping on meth.

FRIDAY: Stuck between a rock and what's going to happen anyway.

After a protracted standoff, John Boehner and the House Republicans caved on a Senate bill that extends the payroll tax and a number of unemployment benefits for two more months. Speaker Boehner was taking heat from all sides, but finally gave in when The Grinch showed up and called him a "grade A asshole."

Republicans somehow managed to take an issue they normally control - taxes - and spin recent events into a win for the Democrats. The left promises to return the favor starting in January, when Congress resumes dealing with everything else.

Have a festive weekend, whatever your festival may be.

Follow along at Twitter.com/TheWeekinRebuke.

THURSDAY: Last but not least.

New Hampshire's Concord Monitor has endorsed Jon Huntsman in the GOP presidential primary. The newspaper's editorial staff says that it looked over the slate of candidates and felt the most compelled by "other."

Lakers guard Kobe Bryant is day-to-day following a preseason wrist injury. Bryant said that he tore a ligament trying to hold up the entire team.

Wal-Mart has pulled a quantity of baby formula that may have been responsible for a 10-day-old infant's death in Missouri. Store officials assure customers that they will do everything they can to keep babies safe, both in their stores and at their factories.

WEDNESDAY: Newt and unimproved.

At a campaign stop in Iowa yesterday, Newt Gingrich met one local who shook his hand and called him a "fucking asshole." Gingrich was not sure how to respond, as he rarely encountered voters who spoke his language.

At a separate event, Gingrich told a gay voter that if he cares about marriage equality he should support Obama. Gingrich, of course, firmly believes that marriage is the holy union between a man and a few different women.

The former Speaker of the House rounded out the day by clashing with Bill O'Reilly on his Fox News show. O'Reilly objected to comments Gingrich made about how he would treat federal judges, while Gingrich objected to O'Reilly being so damn judgy.