MONDAY: Troops or dare?

The White House has announced today that after weeks of deliberation President Obama has decided to send more than 30,000 troops to bolster the United States' efforts in Afghanistan. Critics argue that this is just another shoddy effort by the administration to bail out a failed organization.

The Pentagon is using its Twitter feed to solicit thoughts from citizens as to what President Obama should address in his speech on Afghanistan policy tomorrow. They have also changed their Facebook status from, "SO on it," to "Has anyone seen my keys?"

The Supreme Court has ruled against the ACLU, saying the Obama administration does not need to release detainee abuse photos, allowing the White House to bury countless recent images of Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner.

FRIDAY: Back in black.

Today marks the beginning of what retailers hope will be a busy and lucrative holiday shopping season, as the economy attempts to rebound from a near crippling economic recession. Thousands of shoppers are hoping to snatch up early-morning deals on furniture and electronics that can raise the value of their foreclosed homes.

Information continues to leak out about two party crashers who found their way into the White House state dinner last week. While the Secret Service is now investigating their identities, alarm was not initially raised as most officials just assumed the pair was Joe and Jill Biden.

Have a long weekend.

THURSDAY: Happy Thanksgiving.

As President Obama prepares to make a decision on the war in Afghanistan, the Congress battles internally to pass a substantive health care reform bill, world leaders decide whether or not to attend climate change talks in Copenhagen, and the United States copes with crippling unemployment rates, let us all be thankful that the blogosphere and cable news cycle allow us to get an unending and pervasive stream of fuel for our collective paranoia. And just like the birds that we will stuff on our tables today, let us be thankful that we can fill every nook of the day with information, estimation and most importantly, opinion, about the world in which we live.

It is impossible to know what Glen Beck or Sarah Palin would have thought of Christopher Columbus's first steps on what would become American soil, but when the natives returned from the woods without any of the gold that the Italian explorer had demanded, it is safe to say that the pundits would have seen mass executions as the first acts of freedom in this great land.

So raise a glass and have seconds, because on this day we can take solace in the fact that on this day, those who make the news and those who comment on the news will all be full of something else.

WEDNESDAY: Pardon me?

President Obama pardoned a turkey today at the White House, a long-standing tradition for the chief executive the day before Thanksgiving. Pollsters deem this an important move for the president, who in recent weeks has slipped in popularity among the nation's turkey population from "Gobble gobble," down to "Gobble," marking a low for his first year in office.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-CA) used the Jay Leno show last night as the platform for announcing that Republican state Sen. Abel Maldonado would be serving as his new Lt. Gov. Such a mix between popular media and state politics hasn't been seen since George H.W. Bush announced the first invasion of Iraq on a particularly saucy episode of Hollywood Squares. His son tried to repeat the feat on a different network in March of 2003 when he had to announce the start of the Second Gulf War, although Nickelodeon would not return his calls.

TUESDAY: World banking on it.

In Haiti, citizens will be recovering $6.5 million of stolen assets from a Swiss bank account where it had been stashed by former president Jean-Claude Duvalier. While citizens are thrilled to seize the previously detained funds, a number of Nigerian princes doubt the validity of the story entirely.

MONDAY: Let the debate begin, later!

Over the weekend the Senate voted 60-39 to end debate on whether to debate a bill that they have been debating for many months. While this is viewed as a small victory for Majority Leader Harry Reid, it's considered a major triumph for those who were unable to properly pronounce the word "cloture," and a disappointment to the temporarily famous Phil E. Buster of Topeka, Kansas.

FRIDAY: Wetting the stage.

Political positioning continues before tomorrow night's Senate vote to bring the health care reform bill to the floor for debate. With Senators' concerns covering issues from deficit reduction to abortion, positions range from obstructionist to missionary.

Senator John McCain guaranteed a win for allied forces in Afghanistan, if President Obama would decide to swiftly send an influx of troops to the region. In the past the Arizona Republican has guaranteed victory for himself, 1992 Summer Decathalete Dan O'Brien and Pepsi.

And if you were wondering where the evening star was last night, it had been plucked from the sky to appear on Bill O'Reilly. He was forced to almost immediately return it, though, after realizing it was just a ball of hot gas.

May your weekend include at least two days.

THURSDAY: Losers, take your marks!

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) has filed for a Saturday night cloture vote on the motion to proceed to debate on his chamber's health care bill. Optimistic about the future of the legislation, Democrats reportedly look forward to passing numerous rounds of procedural steps before utterly failing.

Conservative Doug Hoffman is rescinding his concession in the NY-23 election, blaming ACORN for his defeat, while he continues to blame the color of his teeth on cigarettes, Coca-Cola and "seething yellow bile."

UPDATE: Oprah Winfrey will announce a 2011 date for her final show on the air this Friday, no doubt serving a major blow to the automobile and screaming industries.

WEDNESDAY: Quiet riot.

Attorney General Eric Holder testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee this morning, defending his decision to try 9/11 hijackers in a New York federal court. While Senate Republicans are concerned about the safety of the city, their greater fear was giving the terrorists a chance to have an open forum in which to further point out the problems with the American health care system. Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL) tried to urge Mr. Holder to instead consider sending the suspects to a New York public health clinic where they could get the treatment they deserve.

TUESDAY: Home is where the hard is.

Another day has passed wherein the Congressional Budget Office has failed to return Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid's (D-NV) health care bill. One organizational reason for the delay by the CBO may be the fact that while Reid submitted hundreds of pages, he forgot to give them a spine.

And President Obama continued his tour of the far east in China, where he met with leaders and once again enjoyed the sensation of being tall.

MONDAY: Getting out of dodge.

President Obama continued his, "I'm Still A Messianic Figure In This Part Of The World, Right?" Tour with a visit to China today. Obama met with numerous leaders and students, all in an effort to find anyone who has an in with Joe Lieberman.

Window Media, who owns the Washington Blade and a number of other gay publications has shut down, thus closing the papers with it. This of course comes as a particular shock given the robust and lucrative climate currently basked in by all of those straight papers.

And finally on Fox News Sunday Liz Cheney hinted that her father, former Vice President Dick Cheney, might be in the 2012 presidential campaign mix. While just months ago this thought would have been considered crazy, conservatives are given hope by recent developments in robot heart technology and Cheney's ability to expel light thus that he may draw unending power from the darkness that resides within him.

FRIDAY: Try them, you'll love it!

Outgoing White Communications Director Anita Dunn made comments today regarding Fox News that some will describe as scathing, others as frank, a few as bitter, some as brilliant and by Fox News as utterly mindless slander. In unrelated news, Glenn Beck was happy for five minutes tonight although no one could tell him exactly why.

Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that the Department of Justice would try Khalid Sheik Mohammed and four other 9/11 conspirators in a New York City court federal court. Most pundits believe that the non-partial jury will be made up of hole-people, folding chairs, new-borns and Walt Disney's frozen head.

And in cute, Friday science news, NASA announced today that after a blast it was revealed that the moon had substantially more water on it. Although they are still studying its properties, observers agree that this marks one more place where Michael Phelps will inevitably get laid.

Have a weekend.

THURSDAY: A name you can trust.

Former Bushies, Condi Rice and Stephen Hadley have reportedly started a small consulting firm to adivse US companies doing business abroad. Representatives assure that their strategies will have the deft touch and sound logic of getting a face tattoo while jogging.

UPDATE: TWIR has learned that RNC Chairman Michael Steele will no longer offer employees a health insurance plan that covers abortion, which it apparently has since 1991, after learning about the detail today. While he expressed regret it had remained a part of the RNC coverage for so long, he explained that he has been far too focused on national issues to take time out to review the policies of the Republican party.

WEDNESDAY: Happy Veteran's Day.

Lou Dobbs announced on the air tonight that he would be leaving his post at CNN to pursue other opportunities. While some speculate that he is headed to the Fox Business Network, others conjecture that Dobbs just wants more free time to pursue his hobbies of wall-building and unaffiliating.

Rumors are swirling about the fate of The Washington Times which has seen shake-ups to its editorial staff as well as budget concerns. The paper was founded by Reverend Sun Myung Moon, who commented on the daily's quick collapse saying, "Running a newspaper in this day and age is like performing a mass wedding. Every person in front of me is about to screwed."

TUESDAY: Fail me once, shame on you...

Former President Bill Clinton met with the Democratic caucus today over lunch, to urge them to pass health care reform and to stress the significance of the opportunity before them. GOP leaders are hoping that in the near future Clinton is also brought in to advise on issues of African genocide and marital fidelity.

MONDAY: Passing on the left.

Over the weekend House Democrats scored a major victory in passing their health care reform bill, riding the ardent support of Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). The battle now moves to the Senate, where Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) plans to captain the charge forward as soon as he finishes passing a bowel movement started in the late '90s.

Israeli Prime Minister Netahyahu visits with President Obama this evening, where they will likely continue talks regarding settlements in the West Bank. While it is clear that both parties have disagreed on the best policy for the area in the past, White House officials are hoping that the two leaders can renew talks on the common ground of their mutual and unabashed embarrassment of being in any way associated with Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT). Earlier today Netanyahu commented, "When it comes to Democratic policy, this guy's starting a whole new diaspora."

FRIDAY: The days are numbered.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics annuonced this morning that unemployment has risen to 10.2%, the highest number sinec 1983. Unsatisified with the stimulus implementation and its ability to create jobs, President Obama has fired a number of Treasury Department officials. This just in, unemployment has risen to 10.20000001%

In a new CNN poll 47% of respondents say that the economy is the most important issue facing our country, confirming Census reports that a record 53% of our country's population is "grossly upper class" or "hole people."

THURSDAY: Crazy is as crazy does.

Rep. Michele Bachmann's tea party rally on Capitol Hill is scheduled for today. If you haven't arranged to sign out of your respectively facility to attend, just tell 'em "Crazy Eyes" needs you.

And the Congressional Budget Office reports that a health care bill proposed by House Republicans would only cover 3 out of the 30 million currently uninsured Americans. House Majority leader John Boehner (R-OH) commented, "Great! What is that one out of three? Perfect." He then exited the press conference to immediately be drizzled with olive oil by staffers.

WEDNESDAY: Election Day Rebuke 2009

ELECTION DAY WRAP-UP

In New Jersey, Republican Chris Christie won the governorship behind a push from 58% of independent voters. In his acceptance speech the otter-like victor promised to change the way that change is coming to American politics by doing absolutely nothing.

Newly elected Virginia governor, Republican Bob McDonnell also took to the mic to lay down the GOP law of the land.

"If an Irish lawyer can win the highest office in Virginia, then I cannot imagine a greater mandate from the people to do absolutely nothing. There will continue to be nothing common about the wealth in this commonwealth, my friends, and I intend to follow my brothers and sisters in Congress and spend less than a city second thinking about it. And...done. Where's my new chair?"

In the special election in NY-23, Palin/Blogosphere/Cable news-backed uber-conservative and severe teeth-whitening candidate, Doug Hoffman lost out to Democrat Bill Owens. As a result Fox News's Glenn Beck then compared the voters of NY-23 to the Nazis, having committed a serious error with their actions, even though the Holocaust did not happen, although if it did President Obama would have found a way to go back in time to have caused it, even though he's not smart enough to time travel, although if he was he probably would go back and mandate the murder of all right-handed people in the Constitution, not that he understands the Constitution, which he doesn't, because he's gay. Calls for friendship from Hoffman to Beck and other conservative pundits Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin have been met with a cold silence that could only be created with the icy chill of lost hope.

And finally, voters in Maine opted to repeal the right for same-sex couples to wed in the state, adopting the new motto, "Maine: Weird, but definitely not gay."

TUESDAY: Get out the hope.

ELECTION DAY 2009
We'll have a full wrap of today's election in tomorrow's post, including information on the VA and NJ Governor's races, the special election in NY-23, and the results of at least one Starbucks Via taste test.

Today Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) went on Fox to promote her tea party rally scheduled for Thursday, calling it "the Super Bowl of Freedom." Speaker Nancy Pelosi is planning on rivaling the protest by sitting in her office for a half-hour block she's calling, "the rocks, paper, scissors of tryin'"

And according to CNN.com the most important story of the day, earning their front and center headline, is that "Black Cowboys are at home in New York." H1N1, state elections, Hillary Clinton in the Middle East, Rush Limbaugh slandering the former NY-23 GOP candidate, and the national debate on comprehensive health care reform are all on record as having no comment.

MONDAY: Please stand to the right.

Over the weekend, Dede Scozzafava, Republican candidate in the NY-23 special election suspended her campaign and threw her support to Democrat Bill Owens. This drew outrage from puffy conservative, Newt Gingrich, who claims to be "deeply upset," and who is also withdrawing his support of Charlie Brown, The Chicago Cubs and Diet Rite Soda.

This also spells trouble for other moderate Republicans, chief among them Florida Senate candidate, former governor and prominently closeted homosexual, Charlie Crist. Crist could not be reached for comment this morning as he was frantically trying to locate a cameraman who could film him burning coal in the mouth of a polar bear.

NEOLOGISM: Legitimitesque
Ex. Abdullah Abdullah dropped out of the presidential run-off in Afghanistan, leaving Hamid Karzai as the legitimatesque leader.