Thursday, December 31, 2009

THURSDAY: THE YEAR IN REBUKE (PART 2)

READ PART 1

August 8th - Sonia Sotomayor was sworn in as the first Hispanic Supreme Court justice, which came as a surprise to your uncle who had been saying bad things about Samuel Alito for years.

August 25th - Massachusetts senator, Ted Kennedy passed away after battling brain cancer. This came as a major disappointment to all of those who had picked skydiving, night shooting, and bear football in the popular, "How's That Kennedy Gonna Go?" pool.

September 26th
- Oscar-winning director Roman Polanski was arrested on on charges for having illegal intercourse with a 13-year-old girl in 1977. Polanski's attorney's intend to argue that clearly the girl is now 35.

October 9th - President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, the acceptance speech for which immediately won him the Novel Prize in Literature.

November 5th - A gunman killed 13 during a shooting spree at a military base in Fort Hood, Texas. The White House, behind closed doors, lamented having to clean up after more disasters from the Lone Star State.

November 27th
- Tiger Woods was injured in a car crash, which led to his admittance of numerous "transgressions" and late-night television's greatest influx of double entendres of all-time, featuring the words ball, hole, drive, wood, club and Cheetah.

December 1st - President Obama decided to send 30,000 more troops to fight the war in Afghanistan, a sobering fact that led roughly 30,000 more people to have a less than sober holiday season.

December 25th - A Nigerian student, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, failed in his attempt to blow up a Northwest Airlines flight to Detroit. While Al Qaeda has claimed responsibility for the attempt, Nike has attempted to defer any blame, claiming that they cannot be held responsible for their shoes' "explosive potential."

Have a happy, safe and timely New Year's.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

WEDNESDAY: THE YEAR IN REBUKE (PART 1)

As we prepare to ring in a new year tomorrow night, let's take a look back at some of the biggest news stories that shaped 2009.

January 15th
- US Airways pilot Chelsey "Sully" Sullenberger successfully landed Flight 1549 in New York's Hudson River, saving the lives of all 155 passengers, by successfully navigating around much larger pieces of debris and refuse than the Airbus A320 aircraft. At first, spectators assumed the plane was just "more shit from New Jersey."

January 20th - Barack Obama was sworn in as the United States' first African-American president, paving the way for those guys in your office who were dying to spice up their political email forwards with a little dash of racism.

February 17th - President Obama signed a $787 billion stimulus bill to stave off the threat of an economic depression. This drew criticism from Main Street Americans who looked down on what they felt was a "Wall Street bailout," while it drew ovations from Main Street Disney, where everyone was high on fairy dust and fireworks.

February 27th - The United states announced that most troops would be out of Iraq by late 2010, right around the time they'd be marching into Iran, Afghanistan, Yemen and the Fox News Studios.

June 11th
- The H1N1 flu (or "Swine Flu") was declared a global pandemic, while Kentucky Fried Chicken and the 7-11 Taquito are still deemed "A-Okay."

June 13th - Massive protests filled the streets of Iran after a disputed presidential vote, according to your friend's Twitter account.

June 25th
- The King of Pop, Michael Jackson died at 50, thus leading to the inauguration of the new King of Pop, Prince Pepsi Coca Tablia von Diet Rite III.

June 29th
- Convicted ponzi scheme mastermind Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison, although he did offer the judge an initial 90 years back right away if he was willing to go up to 175.

TOMORROW, PART 2

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

TUESDAY: A captive audience.

North Korea announced today that they are holding an American who illegally entered the country on Christmas Eve. Officials claim that he will stay in their custody until he explains his intentions and also gives them a full run-down on last season's So You Think You Can Dance. Apparently North Korean leader Kim Jong Il is a fan of the program and has staged his own domestic competition, You Better Be Able To Dance.

CNET reports that Mozilla will push back the release of Firefox 3.6, with a beta version of 4.0 set for a release in the summer of 2010. This could have a significant impact on the lives of anyone who understood that last sentence.

Monday, December 28, 2009

MONDAY: Frisk and reward.

Following the attempted terrorist bombing on a Northwest Airlines flight on Christmas Day, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is upgrading their restrictions from "Making it work," to "Really giving it a go." Passengers heading through a security checkpoint should now expect to de-pant, say "Ah" and probe their own rectums while three guys with mustaches slowly nod.

Consumers are reporting that AT&T is no longer selling the popular iPhone to customers in New York City who attempt to buy the device online. The change comes from Mayor Mike Bloomberg who is concerned about certain New York-specific aps, such as iHooker, Find-That-Jew and Huh? - The quick and easy way to go fuck yourself.

Friday, December 25, 2009

FRIDAY: Motor shitty Christmas.

Officials say a passenger on a Northwest Airlines flight attempted to detonate an explosive on board, which failed before being subdued by other passengers. While his motive is still unclear witnesses claim that during the flight the man learned he was traveling to Detroit, and had just learned that his family had tickets to Sunday's Lions game.

Have a jolly weekend.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

THURSDAY: Packed and ready to eve.

The Senate voted 60-39 this morning to pass an historic health care reform bill, the first time that a vote has been held on Christmas Eve since 1895. It was on that day that Senate President Adlai Stevenson called everyone to the floor for marbles and punch, wearing a cape of goose feathers and pinching anyone who came within ten feet of him. When challenged by other Senators as to what the purpose of all this was, Stevenson hastily put forth a bill entitled "The Companionship and Merriment Acte," which was voted down unanimously by all of the members had not yet turned to their snuff.

WEDNESDAY: The jail in the coffin.

White House officials now believe that the prison at Guantanamo Bay will not be shut down until 2011, as the they struggle to come up with the money to buy and retrofit a prison in downstate Illinois which would house the transferred detainees. Well this comes as a blow to the Obama administration, it could be a potential boon for Jimmy's Discount Prisons, who have been lobbying the executive branch for some time now. As their Internet banner ad reads, "Jimmy's Discount Prisons - With prices like these, you can't afford NOT to compromise security!"

Democratic leaders are working hard to prevent any leaks about upcoming conference committee compromises between the House and Senate health reform bills, attempting to stave off any controversies that could endanger the bill. GOP officials contend that "Secrets secrets are no fun," and that, "Secrets secrets hurt someone," although it is not entirely clear why they felt a need to say "secrets" twice.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

TUESDAY: Right where they want him.

Democratic Congressman Parker Griffith from Alabama will announce that he is switching parties, a move that serves the GOP overall, but which is garnering some criticism from more conservative members of the caucus. Reportedly, Griffith has offered to increase his right-wing cred by fundamentally following all of the Levitical laws and smiting any of his young who tolerate eating off-brand cereal.

In sports, the Washington Redskins had their holiday party last night, mixing and mingling at FedEx Field while the New York Giants provided the entertainment.

Monday, December 21, 2009

MONDAY: Big tent, bigger circus.

With a vote of 60-40, the Senate voted to end debate on health care reform, thus clearing the way for a vote on the bill that they have been chewing into manageable sized bites for months now.

Senators such as Jim Webb (D-VA) and Russ Feingold (D-WI) have already started blaming President Obama for perceived failures in the bill, thus proving the age-old idiom, "Only a Democrat can think he's failed even when he wins."

Numerous lobbyists have chimed in to say that they all feel great about separate parts of the bill.

Friday, December 18, 2009

FRIDAY: Getting someting done.

Speaking at the Copenhagen climate conference, President Obama said today that, "No country will get everything that it wants," and that an imperfect deal on how to lower carbon emissions worldwide would be better than no deal. White House officials are also pressing the Senate to pass a health care reform bill before Christmas, even if it is imperfect, rather than pass no bill at all. A new poll from Rasmussen reports that 98% of Americans believe that President Obama is NOT perfect, the other 2% could not be contacted as they are still in Chicago's Grant Park celebrating the results of the 2008 election.

Have a weekend everyone.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

THURSDAY: And the hits just keep on coming...

Embattled NFL wide receiver Chris Henry has died today after sustaining injuries in a domestic dispute. The 26-year old Henry will be remembered mainly for his indiscretions, largely due to the fact that his mug shot is the only photograph newspapers have to show where he isn't getting ejected from a game, holding marijuana, brandishing a firearm, or assaulting everyone around him.

Militants in Iraq have used $26 software to intercept live video feeds from U.S. Predator drones, potentially providing them with information they need to evade or monitor U.S. military operations. But for $40 they can just buy one of the drones themselves, which are available at Walmart and Target in the Green Zone.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

WEDNESDAY: Missing the Den-Mark.

Major UN climate change talks were disrupted yesterday when the city of Copenhagen broke off from Denmark and slowly melted as it drifted toward Poland.

Before the conference was broken up, California governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized Sarah Palin, claiming that she may be more interested in securing the GOP's presidential nomination than in climate science. Palin has responded by urging everyone to ignore the words of a man who "clearly admits that he was sent back in time from the future to destroy us."

And in publishing news, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has been named Time magazine's "Person of the Year" for 2009, by the Nobel Prize Committee.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

TUESDAY: By any means necessary.

There are now reports coming out of Washington that White House Chief of Staff, the intimidating Rahm Emmanuel, has urged Harry Reid to give Lieberman what he wants on health care reform. This is the first instance of the executive branch fighting a puddle with fire.

Lieberman's consistent and unsubstantiated opposition to reform is part of his effort to further spread the notion that everyone from Connecticut is in fact, as much of a douche as you thought.

Monday, December 14, 2009

MONDAY: Not your average Joe.

Senate Democrats on the verge of reaching a compromise designed to allow them to break a filibuster on health care reform are now facing a new challenge as Senator Joe Lieberman (I-CT) has indicated he would not move to allow a vote on any bill that includes a Medicare buy-in. The White House is apparently urging Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) to cut a deal, which could include any of the following Lieberman interests:

-Amend the Senate rules so that the Majority Leader now be called "The Lieber-man".
-Everyone has to start debate on the floor by stating, "And now by the will of the honorable Jew from Connecticut, I'd like to call forth to his paternal and shapely ear."
-The Taft Memorial must be replaced by a statue of, "The Martyrdom of St. Joe."
-Mandatory Purim puppet show on the floor with Lieberman playing Mordecai, while Reid must play the evil Haman.
-Everyone has to attend Lieberman's birthday party, and no one is allowed to not like being there.

Progressive critics are arguing that Lieberman supported a Medicare buy-in only three months ago, but the Senator has graciously reminded them that they can shut the fuck up and give him anything he wants.

Friday, December 11, 2009

FRIDAY: Award in peace.

President Obama left Oslo, Norway yesterday after receiving his Nobel Peace Prize. Immediately upon entering Air Force One, Obama learned that his acceptance speech had won a Pulitzer for a previously unknown "Nobel Peace Prize Acceptance Speech" category. The president planned on calling to graciously accept the honor but was concerned that doing so might put him in line for a Congressional Medal of Honor, which he did not feel was fully merited.

Have a prize-worthy weekend.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

THURSDAY: War and peace.

President Obama was in Oslo, Norway today to accept his Nobel Peace Prize. Following his speech, in which he defended the practice of war to achieve a greater good, the award was promptly loaded into a Marine artillery cannon and fired at downtown Kabul.

During his remarks he mentioned other Nobel winners, including Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr., whom he claimed, "didn't have the stones to pump some lead." In response, actor Will Smith, who was in attendance, stood up wearing an Independence Day t-shirt, cheered, pumped his fist and spiked his daughter.

In closing, Obama said:

We can acknowledge that oppression will always be with us, and still strive for justice. We can admit the intractability of depravation, and still strive for dignity. We can understand that there will be war, and still strive for peace. We can do that - for that is the story of human progress; that is the hope of all the world; and at this moment of challenge, that must be our work here on Earth.

He then mentioned that our work on other planets, though, is "some straight up Apocalypse Now shit."

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

WEDNESDAY: Deal or no deal?

A group of ten Senators have finally reached a compromise on health care reform that they sent to the CBO for scoring this morning. Reports leaking out indicate that the public option may switch to a triggered option, Medicare will allow a buy-in for those ages 55-64, and instead of covering health care the bill now focuses on "good times and great oldies."

While some progressives are concerned that the bill had already gone far enough to meet the interests of moderate Democrats, the latter have indicated that frankly, they don't give a shit.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

TUESDAY: What's in a name?

In a speech on his new jobs plan at the Brookings Institution today, President Obama sought to capitalize on the success of his "Cash for Clunkers" program by introducing his idea, "Cash for Caulkers," which would give rebates to people who retrofit their homes to be more energy efficient. Administration officials plan to release more ideas over the next few weeks, including:

Cash for Chunkers - Compensation for any self-proclaimed "food holes" who are willing to consume less, and promise not to simply spend the money on more expensive things to eat.

Cash for Dunkers - College stipends for any young basketball players who show the promise of being able to someday improve the quality of play in the NBA.

Cash for Hunkerers - Crumpled up one and five dollar bills for any left-over Y2K shelter-dwellers willing to stay in their hovels and avoid using any natural resources.

Cash for Osama Bin Laden - If anyone's got a lead on the guy, there's good money here.

Monday, December 7, 2009

MONDAY: Coping-hagen.

Major U.N. climate change talks begin today in Copenhagen where over 15,000 delegates from roughly 190 countries are expected to attend. Recently uncovered emails from a British university, though, show that those numbers may be inflated from a far more humbling reality to make the conference appear more significant than it really is.

Talks are aimed at coming up with a new pact to replace the existing U.N. Kyoto Protocol, which runs to 2012, at which point in time it will cease in its ability to do absolutely nothing.

A melting ice sculpture outside the conference center of Danish fairy tale character, The Little Mermaid, serves as a reminder of not only what is at stake for the actual creatures of the ocean, but for the imaginary ones as well. While puffins, sea turtles and polar bears face the threat of mass extinction, other sea life, such as the giant squid, the Loch Ness monsters and the mustachioed Spitz have already fallen out of sight for decades.

Friday, December 4, 2009

FRIDAY: Labor, I barely even know her!

In media news, Comcast has announced a deal to take control of NBC Universal. While it is unclear right now how this will effect long-term decisions, they have already announced that next season The Office will be on sometime between 9am and 4pm, so please be sure to be at home during that window.

The Department of Labor announced today that the unemployment rate has dropped from 10.2% to 10%. It will have to be seen if that number can hold, as right now the 0.2% of newly employed workers are camped out with cameras in front of Tiger Woods's house.

PGA officials have been amazed with the coverage given to rumors of Tiger Woods's infidelity, and are now hoping to increase television ratings by having him end all of his rounds by fucking the 18th hole.

Have a weekend everyone.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

THURSDAY: More than a few good men.

The White House is set to start its Forum on Jobs and Economic Growth today, where it will announce the creation of over 30,000 jobs for anyone who likes to travel and doesn't mind commuting to a combat zone.

Tonight, President Obama and his family will attend the National Christmas Tree Lighting ceremony. This year's tree is the most energy efficient in history, the White House reports, lit with nothing more than the glow of John Boehner's forehead.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

WEDNESDAY: We all fall down.

President Obama's decision to send more than 30,000 additional troops to Afghanistan has some critics recanting their argument that he is pushing a Socialist agenda. Although most observers expect that those troops will all be suffering equally.

Senate Republicans Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe have begun renegotiating with Democrats on health care reform. Progressives argue that it's crazy to support the so-called "trigger option" that Snowe prefers, but there's nothing that Maine residents like more than being crazy and using triggers.

First Lady Michelle Obama unveiled a new initiative on Serve.gov today called, "Feed a neighbor," which most expect to be slightly less popular than, "Feed yourself," and "Keep your house."

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

TUESDAY: Wist point.

President Obama will address the nation tonight about his decision to send a new wave of troops and resources to Afghanistan. He is expected to explain that he made his decision in an effort to get better health care for at least 30,000 Americans than they can currently receive at home.

New ethics rules on the Hill are forcing numerous lobbying firms to scale back on lavish holiday parties and consider a world of human communication in the absence of champagne and narcotics. Additionally, they will be unlikely to invite many of the congressional aides that typically fill out the affairs, although they're fairly certain that if they simply announce they're having a party in Washington that enough budding reality TV stars will simply show up.