MONDAY: Paying the way.

President Obama has sent Congress a $3.8 trillion budget that would raise the deficit to a record $1.56 trillion in an effort to combat dismal unemployment numbers. In an effort to be more careful with government spending, billions of the allotted dollars would simply be dropped in small bundles around the country, giving people the opportunity to work by collecting the packages and returning them to the federal government, earning 1/5 of the recovered sum. To help cover the red ink in the proposal, the administration is feeling out how much they can get from China for the sale of Joe Biden, or as he is known there, The Great Enumerator.

The budget ensures the continued addition of thousands of jobs in Kandahar Province, for anyone with experience not wearing body armor, and who is willing to tolerate Canadian coworkers.

The Obama administration is calling for a massive overhaul of President Bush's signature education law, No Child Left Behind, to help meet the concerns of teachers, unions and principals who have struggled to meet many of its provisions. New versions of the law currently being considered are, "America: Proud, Free, Illiterate," "Who Needs Math When You Have Google," and "Honestly A Ton Of Children Will Be Left Behind."