A vote on the military's controversial Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy could come in the House as soon as today, after a compromise was reached with the White House and agreed to by the Defense Department that would give the military as much time as it wants before lifting the ban. If also passed by the Senate, this would be an historic piece of legislation that would completely change absolutely nothing immediately. Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) claimed, "I'm going to do everything I can to support the men and women of the military and to fight what is clearly a political agenda." Currently in a primary battle back home, McCain made the comments on camera while using a taser to electrify a border fence. The men and women of the military responded to the claim, saying that one of the best ways to provide them support would be to stop discharging soldiers in the middle of a war.
In technology news, Apple has surpassed Microsoft as the largest technology company in the world by market capitalization, as consumers flock to their range of technologies that have always been marketed as user-friendly. Microsoft chairman Bill Gates responded in anger by frying millions of computers from the inside with the flick of a switch in his bathroom. Apple CEO Steve Jobs celebrated the news by disappearing into a vault of black turtleneck shirts.
Following her insistence that people should barter chickens for medical care and a possible massive violation of campaign finance laws, Nevada GOP Senate candidate Sue Lowden has been dubbed "Suicidal Sue" by one of her top supporters, Reno Mayor Bob Cashell. He settled on the nickname after determining that "Pooch-screwin' Sue" and "Downs Sue-drome" could be misinterpreted as derisive.
TUESDAY: Happy Valentine's Day.
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