MONDAY: Buried.

According to government officials, the U.S. has discovered $1 trillion worth of untapped mineral deposits in Afghanistan. They found veins of iron, copper, cobalt, gold and lithium while searching all over for a way out of the country. The U.S. was also surprised to unearth an abundance of old tanks and colorful uniforms, having forgotten that the British Empire had been buried there.

A 20 year-old Arizona man was arrested for trying to trade an iPod and marijuana for an iPad, advertising his proposition on Craig's List. The man is being held in custody after the police denied his attempt to pay for bail with some Jackie Chan DVDs, twenty-five quaaludes and his pants.

The FAA is considering banning peanuts on commercial flights due to the concern of millions of Americans who are severely allergic to small portions.

Jimmy Dean has died at the age of 81. No word yet on when he will be spiced, stuffed and encased.