MONDAY: Length matters.

Today marks the 104th month of US military engagement in Afghanistan, making it the longest war in our nation's history. Originally the US just wanted to stay until they figured out how polar bears got there and why there was a monster made out of smoke, but now feels reluctantly obligated to stay through the end.

Following her comments that "Jews should get the hell out of Palestine," White House press corps fixture, Helen Thomas, has been dropped by her speaking agency. Thomas was surprised to discover that her comments offended others in the media, or, Jews.

Rush Limbaugh married his fourth wife over the weekend, Kathryn Rogers, in Palm Beach, Florida. The two met six years ago when Limbaugh was in the process of divorcing his third wife, and Rogers was working on a campaign to save whales.

With sanctions on the way, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said that we should "fully expect Iran to pull some stunt in the next
couple of days." It is of course possible she could be referring to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's "Jammin' Jihad Jump," where he plans to launch himself over 50 clerics on a motorcycle and land in a pool of virgins who have not been allowed to attend school.