WEDNESDAY: Playing down the law.

The Department of Justice is launching a criminal investigation into the BP spill that has pumped tens of thousands of gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico. BP officials are confident that Attorney General Eric Holder will prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that the United States is 100% responsible.

Al and Tipper Gore are separating. The two have been married for 40 years although they could not reconcile their differences over Al's love of graphic language and Tipper's addiction to tire-burning.

Larry King interviewed Lady Gaga last night, who in her continued attempt to express herself through outlandish fashion choices, decided to dress exactly like Larry King. They both exclusively spoke in questions and by the end it was unclear just exactly why any of us are here at all.

A number of primary elections were held all over the country yesterday, which you might be aware if you accidentally voted in one of them.