MONDAY: Eating him up inside.

Joey "Jaws" Chestnut won his fourth consecutive 4th of July Coney Island hot dog eating competition on Sunday, eating 54 dogs in ten minutes and proving once again that Americans can mindlessly shove more food in their faces than any other nation on earth. Following the match, former champion Takeru Kobayashi, who did not compete this year due to a contract dispute, was charged with resisting arrest after he went around a police barrier and sneaked onto the stage. Kobayashi was later released and seen at the bar, depressed, drinking six-packs of beer and devouring twenty-pound plates of hot wings.

Over the weekend numerous Republican senators as well as Afghanistan's ambassador to the United States criticized President Obama's planned withdrawal, claiming that it will just embolden the enemy who will simply "wait him out." Obama has seen the downside of such an approach himself, emboldening his opponents' obstructionism by declaring that he would step away from the presidency in either 2012 or 2016.

BP claims they have now spent $3.12 billion on the Gulf oil spill clean up, answering the age old question, "How much money does it take to NOT clean up the worst ecological disaster in history?" BP scientists are now looking to take the "automobile oil change" method, draining all of the crude out of the earth before putting it back in.