WEDNESDAY: It gets cold in Alaska.

Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin, daughter of former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, say they have reconciled and once again plan to get married. The couple plans to write their own vows, although there is no word yet on whether or not Johnston will use them as an opportunity to talk more shit about his future mother-in-law.

The National League won the All-Star game last night for the first time in 13 years. After the game players could not stop talking about how exciting it would be if they could do it again in 2023.

Critics now claim that given a poor rating from Consumer Reports and concerns about design flaws, Apple may be forced to recall their new iPhone 4. Company insiders have admitted that most of the field testing involved employees staring at the phone while they pleasured themselves.

The plan to use a new cap to start shutting down valves and plug the oil well that is still spilling into the Gulf of Mexico was halted yesterday when government officials and BP were stunned by the news that Levi and Bristol were back together. There is no word on when their emotions will subside and they can return to the task at hand.