FRIDAY: Things That Make Lindsey Graham HARD.

Sen. Tom Harkin (D-IA) is considering introducing legislation that would ban the filibuster from Senate proceedings. Thinking about blocking the rule change, is something that makes Lindsey Graham HARD.

And while we’re at it, here are a few other things in recent news that are raising the flag over the South Carolina Republican.

-Getting a good whiff of those Supreme Court judges’ robes after a major decision on campaign finance, and taking in the wafts of justice.

-Scott Brown centerfolds, both real and hand-drawn.

-Watching Harry Reid sweat and squirm while saying he supports the confirmation of Ben Bernanke.

-Imagining Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien actually fighting it out in some sort of joke-heavy gladiator format, covered in peacock oil.

-Bristol Palin discussing abstinence and Levi Johnston getting RAW.

-Hearing the words “cloture vote.”

-Seeing Bill O’Reilly start a fire, and then watching Glenn Beck put it out with his tears.

-Strutting through the Russell Senate Office Building while jamming out to some Justin Bieber on his Zune.

And if you see him passing you by, do NOT make direct eye contact, unless you want to make Lindsey Graham HARD.

Enjoy Saturday and Sunday without us.

You can always try to connect the dots by following along at twitter.com/TheWeekinRebuke

THURSDAY: Addressing the state of the State of the Union address.

Last night President Obama delivered his first State of the Union address in which he touted the accomplishments of the past year and set a course for further economic recovery in the year to come. His first major proposal was a new jobs bill, that he hopes will give a whole slew of new people work on the Hill following the November elections.

The president rebuked Republicans for their obstructionism, as well as Democrats for shying away from hard work. While his party supported most of what Obama had to say, House and Senate Democrats found it taxing to have to keep standing and clapping, with some longing for the days when as the minority party they could simply sit and listen without the mandate for action.

Striking a distinct populist tone, the president commented on the bank bailout, saying that he, the Congress and the American people all "hated it" in spite of the fact that it was necessary, although Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner would later admit that he still thought it was pretty swell.

As was anticipated, President Obama spoke of his desire to end the controversial "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy forbidding open homosexuals from serving in the military. Although it was only a brief mention, the Joint Chiefs of Staff still thought it's inclusion in the speech was pretty "gay."

Caught on camera yawning only 12 minutes into the speech, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) would spend the remainder of the evening fashioning his sport coat into a blanket and trying to convince Dick Durbin (D-IL) to let him crawl into his pocket for warmth and security.

WEDNESDAY: The state of disunion.

President Obama is set to give his first State of the Union address tonight, in which he will focus on economic issues. In light of the current national unrest, Obama has decided to move the location of the speech from the mountaintop, to the Capitol Building. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said yesterday that the president will "explain why he thinks the American people are angry and frustrated," in lieu of simply figuring it out and doing something about it.

The House is signaling that it is ready to move forward with a plan to pass the Senate health care reform bill and then fix outstanding issues through budget reconciliation, although the Senate has not indicated it's ready to agree to all the necessary terms, in a game of political chicken riddled with bird flu. Many still wonder whether the president will address health care during his speech tonight, or if he will try to convince Americans that reform was a Bush-era issue that he has simply had to deal with. Either way, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is unclear how he will make a decision on whether or not he can choose which way he might vote, maybe.

Democrats continue to struggle with the war against one another, as billions of dollars in intraparty conflict resources in continue to go to help fighting the wars within Afghanistan and the Tea Party movement.

TUESDAY: A cool freeze.

President Obama is set to announce a three-year freeze on non-military discretionary spending during his State of the Union on Wednesday. The measure would limit officials' ability to buy computers, pens and anything else that might enable Democrats to write more future failed legislation in advance of a November demise. It is also rumored that during the speech Obama will address the controversial Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, although officials are refusing to take questions or provide further information about it, as has been the protocol.

The recent Supreme Court ruling regarding campaign finance spending may open up an unfiltered channel for international funding of US elections through major corporations. This could lead to an influx of cash for Tea Party candidates from England, China and the East India Trading Company, worries a number of voting literalists.

White House advisor Valerie Jarrett assures that the administration is "not hitting the reset button" on their policy agenda. The panic button on the other hand, is being mashed vigorously.

MONDAY: Game, set, crap.

On CNN yesterday White House adviser David Axelrod said that following the Democratic loss in the Massachusetts special Senate election, that they were not going to play "the Washington game" of casting blame. Instead they were just going to forfeit and lose the game, so that instead they could go off in the corner and play by themselves.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner over the weekend said that if the Senate rejects the renomination of Federal Reserve chariman Ben Bernanke, that the markets would view it as "very troubling." The markets could not be reached for comment as they weren't working over the weekend, and instead were getting wasted with Citigroup CEO Vikram Pandit.

Finally, President Obama is skipping out on jury duty this week, pulling the old "I have to give the State of the Union address" excuse, which Illinois officials confirm that they receive fifty to sixty times a year.

FRIDAY: Courting an opinion.

The Supreme Court has ruled to remove restrictions on corporations that limited their ability to spend money on federal campaigns. While many lawmakers and private citizens were outraged by the decision, they couldn't afford to express it. The majority opinion points out the rights of corporations to be afforded the same free speech granted to individuals and ensures that just like everyday Americans, they have the freedom to share their voices at $5 million a thought. The ruling is especially good news for any bailout beneficiaries still deciding what to do with their record profits.

The Washington Post is reporting that Jay Leno will host the White House Correspondents Dinner. The article began by addressing the departure of Conan O'Brien from The Tonight Show, but Leno took over after a few paragraphs.

Toyota has issued a recall on over two million cars that have faulty accelerator pedals prone to getting stuck when they are pressed down. The Japanese manufacturer expects all of the vehicles to be brought in extremely quickly.

May your weekend be full of hours. Tune in next week for a new feature: Things That Make Lindsey Graham Hard.

And please do join us in chewably small chunks at twitter.com/TheWeekinRebuke

THURSDAY: Splitting a few hairs for $400 a pop.

Former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards has admitted that he is in fact the father of a daughter born to a videographer he hired before his second unsuccessful campaign. Edwards claimed, "It was wrong for me to ever deny she was my daughter," which his daughter will surely appreciate hearing when she's old enough to Google her own name.

President Obama is expected to propose restrictions on the country's largest financial institutions in order to rein in risk, marking a significant policy shift for the White House. Critics believe the move will be successful, or at least needs to be considering the fact that the executive economic team is far too big to fail. Previous stern messages to banking leaders have gone largely unnoticed, which is odd considering most of the Obama administration has them on speed dial and sees them at family functions.

Goldman Sachs reported a $4.8 billion profit in the fourth quarter, which will only come as a serious disappointment to anyone who was expecting bonuses and salaries to go up MORE than the 47% that they did. But, the discontent will likely stay silent, in lieu of paying someone a few hundred thousand dollars to go to the trouble of speaking for them.

WEDNESDAY: What can Brown do for you?

Republican and former Cosmo magazine centerfold Scott Brown won the special senate election in Massachusetts yesterday, claiming the seat that Ted Kennedy held for 47 years and proving that even a confused dog can still escape, when the owner takes it out to pasture and puts his shotgun in the wrong mouth. While Democrats are starting to point fingers in the loss, many analysts link the poor voter turnout and lack of identification with their candidate, Martha Coakley, to her lackluster campaigning style, her unwillingness to give more public appearances, a perceived distaste for shaking hands or talking to people, her timidity in crowds and when confronted with new situations, her confusion and anger over traveling to unfamiliar environs, and a general malaise perceived as an inability to communicate, make reasonable decisions or govern, just to name a few.

The new Republican appointment poses serious threats for President Obama's goal of signing a health care reform bill into law in the near future, and an almost certain threat to his goal of ever signing another bill into law again. White House aides have reportedly put all the fancy pens away for the year.

EDITORIAL NOTE:
Happy one-year anniversary to you President Obama. Perhaps this year Congress will be willing to have at least a day or two where "shit sandwich" isn't the only option on your menu. There is no doubt that you will continue to get little to no credit for, say, saving the planet from economic meltdown or earning the United States the highest award in the world for the effort to bring peace to us all. But take solace in the fact that everyone will continue to complain, for that is what this nation was founded on, the inertia of societal unrest, the battle for individual liberty. Our founding fathers came here because they were tired of eating shit sandwiches, and if you'd like, you have the right to complain too. The only difference is, then you have to do something about it. The rest of us get to stay in our underwear.

TUESDAY: The lame game.

Voters go to the polls in Massachusetts today in a special senate election to fill the seat previously held by Ted Kennedy. Democrats are already assigning blame in the event that Democrat Martha Coakley loses today, trying again to prove that the best offense is a good concession speech. Some on the left are concerned that Coakley did not do enough to earn the respect of the state's blue collar workers, as she went on vacation in December and spent the last month shaking about as many hands as Howie Mandel at a sneezing convention.

High turnout is expected in the special election, with some estimating upwards of 40% of eligible voters showing up. This could be good news for Democrats who outnumber Republicans in the state roughly 3-1, although Crazy outnumbers them both everywhere #%@!-2.

The senate financial regulation bill is in its final stages, and TARP watchdog Elizabeth Warren reports that the final show-down is over a proposed consumer financial protection agency. Senate Banking Committee Chairman Chris Dodd (D-CT), who is retiring at the end of this term, is considering dropping the agency from the proposed bill in a small effort to make a TON of money.

And finally, outgoing New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine has signed legislation into law allowing the sale of medical marijuana. This comes as a great relief to everyone who has to suffer with the pain of living in New Jersey. This will also help them to come through on the promise of their motto, "The Garden State."

You can now follow The Week in Rebuke at twitter.com/theweekinrebuke.

MONDAY: Happy MLK Day.

Lobbyists for the banking industry reportedly may go to court to challenge the constitutionality of President Obama's Financial Crisis Responsibility Fee, which could cost the largest financial institutions up to $1.5 billion each as they work to restore their images. Because nothing makes bankers look better than being surrounded by lobbyists and lawyers.

NASA has announced it is selling off '70s era spaceships at a discount of $28.8 million, which is not a bad option for someone looking to buy American, but who wants a ride that's less clunky and with better gas mileage than a Chrysler.

Former Senator Norm Coleman (R-MN) has announced he will not run for governor of Minnesota, although this does not prohibit him from challenging the election results in November to prove that he still won.

EDITORIAL NOTE:
Today the country celebrates the life of one of its most courageous and inspiring leaders. It's cause to reflect on how far we've come as a nation and what a truly amazing time we live in. We have our first African-American president, our first female Speaker of the House and our first invertebrate Senate Majority Leader. It's gotta make you wonder, just how badly Joseph Lieberman is screwing it up for the Jews.

FRIDAY: Endgame on.

As Massachusetts Attorney General Martha Coakley falls behind in her senate race with GOP candidate Scott Brown, Democratic leaders are flooding the state and President Obama has recorded a YouTube video encouraging people to become active in the campaign. With any luck, Martha Coakley will see the short clip and volunteer to help out.

Working out the details of the final health care reform bill, White House officials and Congressional leaders met yesterday with labor unions to come to a deal on taxing the so called "Cadillac plans," which would require a higher payment from any geriatric still driving the antiquated American auto. The deal essentially amounts to delaying implementation of the tax, which is good news for anyone planning on croaking in the next seven years. The "Cadillac tax" replaces the much-discussed "Options for Clunkers" plan from the House bill, which would have allowed people to trade in their broken down and inefficient health care plans for more cost-effective European models.

Have a two-day weekend.

THURSDAY: Tax for the memories.

President Obama will unveil the much-rumored "Financial Crisis Responsibility Fee" today, which will raise over $90 billion from the 50 largest financial firms who benefited from the TARP bailout. The new fee should go over smoothly, since asking bankers for responsibility is a lot like asking hobos for change.

The president and top administration officials met for eight hours yesterday with Congressional leaders to hammer out a compromise on the two versions of the health care reform bill. While the two sides had been deadlocked for many days, one aide reports, "Eight hours in a room with Crazy Eyes Pelosi and you'd give up your kid's lung just to get her stop talking about The Jersey Shore."

Governor Rick Perry (R-TX) has announced that Texas will not take part in the federal "Race to the Top" program, which will give money to states for school reform, saying, "We would be foolish and irresponsible to place our children's future in the hands of unelected bureaucrats and special-interest groups thousands of miles away in Washington." Instead, Perry hopes to place his state's children's future in the hands of unelected bureaucrats, special-interest groups and religious fanatics right at home in Texas.

According to a new Quinnipiac poll, Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal has a 62-27% lead over GOP front-runner Rob Simmons to claim the Senate seat being vacated by Chris Dodd, although at this point it is still unclear whether or not Joe Lieberman (I-CT) will throw his name in the ring to try and get another seat.

WEDNESDAY: Lend me your ear and I'll lend you $700 billion.

Heads of the nation's four largest banks are in Washington today answering questions in the first public hearing by the Financial Crisis Inquiry Commission. The economic leaders have been in front of members of Congress multiple times over the past year with their hats in hand, although they couldn't bring them this time because at present they were being dipped in gold.

The president is planning on unveiling a tax on these "Too Big to Fail" institutions, which will most likely be paid by the federal government when the banks go ahead and promptly fail. Economists do believe that lending will increase substantially, though, with tax-payers lending hundreds of billions of dollars to the banks over the next decade.

Former WWE executive and candidate in the Republican senate primary in Connecticut, Linda McMahon, is having to answer questions as to why she gave thousands of dollars in political donations to Democratic groups and candidates, including Rahm Emmanuel. While this might damage her political aspirations, it clearly sets up the more logical move of Emmanuel joining the WWE.

And finally in a programming note, make sure to catch tonight's The Tonight Show, Friday morning at 11:30am on NBC.

TUESDAY: Borrowing you can bank on.

President Obama is considering levying a tax on banks that received TARP funding, to make up a $120 billion shortfall of recouped bailout money. The White House has been concerned over how little lending has resulted from the government's infusion of cash, but this move would help to increase bank lending by roughly $120 billion, back to the government.

It was announced this week that Sarah Palin will be joining the Fox News team, contributing political commentary and analysis. Her expert perspective will help viewers understand how to lose an election, commit ethics violations and quit your job. The perky Palin will be a welcomed change for most Fox viewers, who enjoy the network but have always wished it had just a little less credibility. Todd Palin will be releasing the list of which viewers are allowed to watch his wife soon.

And finally, former president George W. Bush will deliver the keynote address at the Safari Club International Annual Hunters' Convention in Reno, Nevada. The title of his speech? "The Cheney Plan: Shoot everyone, deny everything."

MONDAY: Facial profiling.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is facing calls for his resignation from the GOP following the release of comments he made during the 2008 election, that then candidate Barack Obama was a "light-skinned" African American "with no Negro dialect." Senator Reid could not be reached for a statement over the weekend, which he spent with his family lazily drifting down the Mississippi on his old-timey riverboat.

After days of speculation, NBC has confirmed that The Jay Leno Show will be leaving its prime-time slot following bad ratings and complaints from local affiliates. While this will be seen as a failure for the network, it will certainly be celebrated by millions of senior citizens who had lost any reason to stay up past 11pm.

FRIDAY: Playing games with security.

President Obama released a declassified version of the security review he ordered, looking into the failed terror attack on Flight 253. At a press conference to discuss the findings he pointed out that US intelligence officials were aware that Al Qaeda "sought to strike the United States," a fact that was also known by anyone with access to YouTube. Obama explained that they failed to connect the dots, but added that they completed almost a third of the Jumble.

Democrats are hoping that Beau Biden, son of Vice President Joe Biden and an Iraq War veteran, runs for the Senate in his home state of Delaware, or Amtrak will be in serious danger of dropping under ten customers.

And finally, former deputy counsel to George W. Bush, John Farren has been charged with attempted murder after beating and choking his wife. According to Karl Rove, though, history will prove that Farren did the right thing, and that ultimately his wife failed at keeping her neck out of his hands.

Have a weekend full of two days everyone.

THURSDAY: No need for honey, the flies are killing themselves.

Following recent announcements by a number of Democrats in Congress that they would not seek reelection, the GOP is hoping to crack the current 60-seat super majority held on the left. RNC officials claim that they will be the new "big tent" party, but that the tent will have far better screening. No word yet as to whether the Salahis will be admitted.

Upon hearing that his fellow Connecticut senator, Chris Dodd, will not run in the fall, Joe Lieberman apparently went to Majority Leader Harry Reid and asked if he could please have two seats on the floor.

Rachel Maddow has been banned from a Tea Party Nation mailing list, the group reported earlier today, because nothing says "getting back to the country's founding principles" like discriminating against a lesbian.

WEDNESDAY: Nancy CanBlow,See?

At an afternoon press conference, Nancy Pelosi was directly asked whether she would honor president Obama's campaign promise to film the conference committee negotiations on health care reform, as the House and Senate work to try and pass the final bill. The Speaker of the House replied, "There are a number of things he was for on the campaign trail," and said nothing more of it. Then she reached down and grabbed a glass of iced tea with an umbrella in it, and took a long sip before two young gentlemen came in and wrapped an over-sized, floppy hat on her head and sunglasses over her eyes. Whispering nothings into the air as she backed away from the microphone, a rose petal fell off her bronze broach. And then, she floated away.

In a surprising day of announcements, three prominent Democrats have announced that they will not seek reelection in 2010, including Connecticut Senator Chris Dodd. Some Democratic officials hope the departures will increase their chances of holding on to seats in what is shaping up to be a strong challenge from the GOP, the Tea Party Movement, and all of those who will be taken to the polls whilst suckling at Glenn Beck's many-nippled teat. Democrats are bracing for the challenge by putting together a record of attempted reform that will buttress the aggressive campaign slogan, "We could have gotten a lot done if we didn't have to agree on anything."

Democrats in North Dakota are working to convince liberal MSNBC talk show host Ed Schultz to run, following the announcement by Senator Byron Dorgan that he would not seek reelection. If he passes, other popular liberal visionaries that might step up include Mad Money's Jim Cramer, The Office's Rainn Wilson and the Verizon "Can you hear me now?" guy if he doesn't turn out, as AT&T argues, to be a Socialist.

TUESDAY: Is that a building or are you just happy to see me?

In a grand opening ceremony yesterday, Dubai unveiled the world's tallest building, the Burj Khalifa (or "Allah Tickler"), standing an impressive 2,717 feet. Officials claim that the building's sharp structure was chosen in an attempt to puncture the sky in search of more oil.

MONDAY: I screen, you screen, we all screen for hand cream.

Over the weekend the Transportation Security Administration announced new security guidelines, including that 100% of passengers from 14 terrorism-prone countries would be searched fully. That list includes Nigeria, Yemen, Pakistan, Afghanistan and Syria, while despite their horrifying calm, the Belgians still go unnoticed.

Iran has denied entry to Senator John Kerry (D-MA), who was hoping to visit in an emissary role. While Iranian officials did not object to the visit on principle, they feared it would involve listening to the senator talk, and they only had so many days to spare.

The Census Bureau is kicking off a campaign to promote participation in the Census, which will be conducted in the Spring, while over on Sesame Street, The Count is trying to control the biggest anticipatory boner of his life.

FRIDAY: Happy New Year.

Last night people all over the country watched the New Year's festivities in Times Square, hosted by Ryan Seacrest, Fergie and a charming animatronic Dick Clark. While over on CNN, Anderson Cooper was busy covering the disaster that was his co-host, Kathy Griffin.

In Pakistan today a suicide car bomb went off in the middle of a group of men playing volleyball, killing 75 and injuring 60 more. Officials are scrambling to figure out just how long there's been volleyball in Pakistan.

Have a weekend.