FRIDAY: Watching it all go down.

President Obama, along with Democrats and Republicans from Congress held a seven and a half hour summit yesterday on health care, debating the issues and different avenues for moving forward with reform. The White House is reporting that 3.9 million streams watched the meeting via webcast, a clear indicator that Americans are still not working. Republicans claimed the event was "fabulous" and "useful," words that have also been used to describe Marv Albert and bowel movements.

Enjoy the weekend, and both of its days.

Keep following along at Twitter.com/TheWeekinRebuke

THURSDAY: Summit like it hot.

President Obama and White House officials kick off a bipartisan health care reform summit this morning at Blair House, designed to clarify the issues and come to a strong compromise on how to move forward on a bill. Democrats have high hopes for the event, which is the clearest indicator that it will be an abysmal failure.

Conan O'Brien has started a Twitter account, although the online company may default on it if everyone stops looking at Jay Leno's Friendster page.

And in football news, the NFL has decided it will not formally punish Oakland Raiders head coach, Tom Cable, following an investigation into allegations of domestic violence and a fight with an assistant. Commissioner Roger Goodell ruled that coaching the Raiders was punishment enough.

WEDNESDAY: Fashion fit for a pizza.

ESPN's Tony Kornheiser has been suspended for comments he made regarding his colleague, Hannah Storm's outfit, saying it was "like she has sausage casing wrapping around her upper body." And over on TLC, What Not To Wear host Clinton Kelly has been suspended for openly criticizing the New York Knicks' transition offense, saying it "sputtered like a dying fart."

CBS has halted production on its hit comedy Two and a Half Men as star Charlie Sheen has entered rehab. This comes as a great relief to the entire crew, who previously have had to spend days at a time listening to dialogue from Two and a Half Men.

Thousands of fans walked out of a Whitney Houston concert in Australia this week, claiming that the diva failed to hit notes and struggled for breath. Houston's publicists were positive about the event, claiming that it was simply amazing to see the star not do any cocaine for two straight hours.

TUESDAY: Mass-ter maverick.

Senator Scott Brown (R-MA) voted with four other Republicans yesterday to pass a cloture motion and move forward with debate on a jobs bill, thwarting an attempted filibuster by the GOP. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid issued a statement heraldidng the bipartisan effort, and former vice president Dick Cheney was rushed to the hospital with chest pains.

MONDAY: Thanks, but no blanks.

President Obama released his own version of health care reform legislation this morning, which will be discussed at a summit with members of Congress on Thursday. The proposal seeks to limit rate hikes by insurance companies and dramatically increase unsubstantiated Republican talking points. Chief among them is the idea that Obama should be coming to the table at the summit with a "clean sheet of paper," working to negotiate a new bill together. This is in line with the Republican strategy over the last year of keeping all paper blank at all times.

Harry Reid (D-NV) will try to pass a motion to proceed on a jobs bill in the Senate today, looking to ultimately pass the first piece of significant legislation since Democrats lost their 60-seat super-majority. The Senate Majority Leader was reportedly optimistic this morning, as four staffers helped him bathe and dress himself.

The US hockey team defeated Canada yesterday 5-3, finally putting our cocky, brash and obnoxious neighbor to the north in its place.

And finally, Tiger Woods gave a press conference on Friday to apologize for his actions, during which, we can report, he did not fuck anyone.

FRIDAY: Right on time.

The first day of the Conservative Political Action Conference or CPAC, featured a surprise appearance by former vice president Dick Cheney, who emerged from his salt cave for a few moments to criticize the president and recharge his energy cells with the adoring cheers of self-proclaimed Constitutional fundamentalists. CPAC is an an annual Washington event where folks like speaker Mitt Romney can pretend to be a conservative, while practicing attack lines for future electoral failures.

Chuck Schumer is now the 17th senator to sign a letter urging Democratic leadership to pass a public option through the reconciliation process. Following his signing it, Schumer became exhausted and is expected to take the next three to four weeks off, limited to less strenuous effort.

The Iraq War is having its name changed on September 1st, from "Operation Iraqi Freedom," to "Operation New Dawn," while the war in Afghanistan will still be called, "Operation Blunderpooch."

In an interview on the Fox Business Network Rep. Michele Bachmann called Social Security a "tremendous fraud." Social Security has responded by calling Michele Bachmann a "fucking joke."

Until it's Monday, enjoy other things.

Be sure to follow Twitter.com/TheWeekinRebuke, because following is a whole lot easier than leading.

THURSDAY: Trying times.

A small coalition of Democratic senators is calling on Harry Reid to pass health care reform including a public option through budget reconciliation. They see this as a necessary legislative step before they can start the hard work of passing new labor protections for the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus.

Top U.N. climate change official Yvo de Boer announced on Thursday that he was resigning after nearly four years. In spite of the statement, many critics are uncertain that de Boer is actually leaving and furthermore, refuse to concede that he actually exists in the first place.

A new study out of UC San Diego says that marijuana is an effective method of pain relief. An old study says, no shit.

WEDNESDAY: Commissionary work.

President Obama is planning to announce an executive order to create a National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform, after Congress voted against the idea of s similar panel that would have had the authority to impose a road map for deficit reduction. The president hopes the group will lead the legislature past their fervent partisanship and gridlocked docket toward a more sound economic policy, through polite suggestions and wishes.

A Scottish terrier named Sadie was awarded the top prize at the Westminster Dog Show, just after two women were ejected by security for screaming PETA-inspired protests about dog breeding. This marks the first time in the illustrious event's history that it was disrupted by a couple of bitches.

In a new CNN poll, 52% of Americans think that President Obama does not deserve to be reelected, although 76% of respondents just said "no" the second they heard "President Obama."

TUESDAY: Thank you for your consideration.

Former Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson claims in a New York Times op-ed, that President Obama's fiancial reform plans will lead the country into further economic collapse. The piece is garnering some attention, since Paulson is one of the world's leading experts on leading a country into economic collapse.

A passenger on a flight leaving Vancouver became physically violent toward Mitt Romney, when the former presidential candidate asked the man to put his seat up for takeoff. Officials report that Mr. Romney "did not retaliate" but it took them several minutes and the promise of many blankets to get Senator McCain back into his seat.

The United States currently leads the medal count at the Winter Olympics, and hopes to amass enough gold and silver by the end of the games to make a dent in the national deficit.

MONDAY: Happy Presidents Day.

Senator Evan Bayh announced today that he will not seek reelection in November, as his desire to serve in Congress "has waned." This comes as a surprise to his Democratic colleagues who have also quit but have no intention of leaving their offices.

In Olympic news, host country Canada defeated Slovakia 18-0 in women's hockey over the weekend. The blow-out victory marks the most brash act of bravado by a group of Canadians since the Barenaked Ladies asked for extra creamer at a Dunkin' Donuts in Toledo six years ago.

On Friday, Kim Kardashian appeared on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon to promote her new perfume, and said the word "literally," like, a MILLION times.

FRIDAY: Making their voices heard.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) has stunned Democrats by shunning a bipartisan jobs bill crafted by Senators Baucus and Grassley, in favor of a much cheaper and more limited version. "The proposed $85 billion bill is over-inflated, reckless spending at a time when we need the government to tighten its purse strings and find ways to solve problems without putting us deeper into debt," claimed a poll of Democratic and Independent voters from Nevada."

Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) has announced that he will not seek reelection, bringing the count of retiring House Democrats up to fourteen, while eighteen House Republicans will not seek reelection. RNC Chairman Michael Steele is touting this as a clear Republican majority.

Walter Fredrick Morrison, the inventor of the Frisbee, has died at the age of 90, at home in Salt Lake City. His family is currently planning when and where to fling his remains.

Until Monday, keep breathing.

Connect the dots by following along at Twitter.com/TheWeekinRebuke.

THURSDAY: How about them apples?

In South Africa today, celebrations are being held to mark the 20 year anniversary of Nelson Mandela's release from prison, a key step toward ending apartheid in that country. Now 91 years old, Mandela is expected to make a rare public appearance in honor of the occasion, to introduce Matt Damon.

Due to technical errors in the process, an appeals court in Hong Kong has overturned the conviction of an American woman dubbed the "Milkshake Killer," who was accused of putting sedatives in her husband's drink and bludgeoning him with an ornament. Nancy Kissel will receive a new trial after her lawyers successfully proved to the court that her husband was, in fact, drinking a frappe.

NUMBER OF THE DAY: 46
-Age that Sarah Palin turns today.
-Percentage of conservatives who think Sarah Palin is qualified to be president, according to a new Washington Post poll.

WEDNESDAY: Weather or not you like it.

Snow continues to hammer the East Coast, forcing the House of Representatives to head home early and emboldening the spirits of global warming deniers. Republicans officials, accused of employing obstructionist tactics to smear the image of Democratic lawmakers make them appear ineffective, are being investigated as to the nature of their relationship to the blizzard.

Chicago felt early morning tremors from a 3.8 magnitude earthquake that hit around 50 miles northwest of the city around 4am. As the Midwest also continues to get pummeled by snowfall, hundreds of flights have been canceled both in and out of the area as the hell of places like O'Hare International Airport had frozen over and the pigs intended to fly the planes simply stayed home.

On the Hill, lawmakers and aides who remained at work have been rushing to Republican chambers to thaw out or stay warm, basking in the abundance of hot air.

TUESDAY: Labor? I barely know her.

Sen. Ben Nelson (D-NE) has announced that he will join a Republican filibuster of Craig Becker, President Obama's nominee to the National Labor Relations Board, expressing concerns that the former associate general council for the SEIU was too closely allied with the unions. Democrats have, in turn, responded with concerns about Nelson's ability to work in the Senate due to his close relationship with the Senate.

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) is tilting to the right, as he prepares for a primary battle against conservative radio personality and former congressman J.D. Hayworth. At present it's still not clear if the shift is politically motivated or just an equilibrium problem.

President Obama will hold a bipartisan health reform summit at the end of the month. Democrats have formed an exploratory committee to decide the effects the announcement has on their enthusiasm over attending, while Republicans have denied that the announcement ever occurred.

MONDAY: New New Orleans.

The New Orleans Saints won the Super Bowl on Sunday, defeating the Indianapolis Colts 31-17 and officially taking Michael Brown, George W. Bush and FEMA off the hook. When asked for comment at home in Venezuela, Hurricane Katrina commented via e-mail:

I'm really happy for the city of New Orleans. I know that we had a tempestuous past but today it was clear that the actions of a handful of professional athletes, means that I should no longer be responsible for any pain or suffering in anyone's lives. Also, how about The Who?! Damn, they still rock.

President Obama held a gathering to watch the game at the White House, inviting over members of Congress and his Cabinet. The food for the game was apparently going to be a remarkable feast, although pool reports indicate that Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) came by to ensure that none of it would get out of the kitchen.

FRIDAY: Numbers job.

The Labor Department is reporting that the unemployment rate has fallen to 9.7% from 10% in December. This should come as great news to the millions of Americans out there who now can now feel 0.3% less unemployed.

The British government has unveiled prototypes for a shatterproof pint glass, which is exciting for all of the pub patrons who insist on hanging on to their beverage while they pass out onto the floor. The government expects that the invention will save upwards of $4.3 billion a year in costs to the National Health System, which deals with roughly 87,000 glass attacks per year. The design of the glass was sought out when British officials shot down another proposed solution, to close the bars at breakfast.

The first Tea Party Convention has opened, with former congressman Tom Tancredo (R-CO) claiming that, "people who could not even spell the word 'vote', or say it in English, put a committed socialist ideologue in the White House. His name is Barack Hussein Obama." This is of course in great contrast to the demographic groups responsible for putting George W. Bush into office, including "math nerds" and "Proust enthusiasts."

If tomorrow was Monday then we'd see you then.

Come and be a follower. twitter.com/TheWeekinRebuke

THURSDAY: Welcome to Brown.

Senator Scott Brown (R-MA) will be sworn in today, three weeks after a surprising win by the virtual unknown in the special election for the Massachusetts seat previously held by Ted Kennedy. In the interim period he has been assembling a staff and Congressional officials have been dealing with his request to park his truck in the Rotunda.

The House will vote today on a measure to raise the cap on federal borrowing up to $14.3 trillion. They would have voted sooner but it took weeks to read the summary, which was written in whale's blood on $50 bills.

And finally, President Obama visited with the Senate Democratic Caucus yesterday for a televised question and answer session. Senators plan on reviewing the tape today to find out what they said and heard.

WEDNESDAY: The fat of the land.

Michele Obama hit the airwaves on Wednesday claiming that she wants to “change the health status of an entire generation” in her campaign to raise awareness of childhood obesity. Many parent groups are responding that their children are already painfully aware that they are obese, and are looking forward to the First Lady's campaign to fix it for them.

President Obama is receiving some flack from Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) and Nevada politicians after referring to Las Vegas as a place where people go to blow money, when they could be saving it for their kids' college funds. Reid is arguing that Las Vegas is in fact a place where people go to blow money when they have nothing left to lose. Obama has issued a letter of apology, fearful that Cirque Du Soleil might misinterpret his comments and cancel plans for their new spectacle, "B'rack: A High Wire Routine in Four Acts."

Alexander "Alexi" Giannoulias won the Democratic primary in the Senate race to fill Roland Burris's seat. Giannoulias scored the victory after receiving roughly ten votes for every letter in his name.

TUESDAY: Happy Illinois Election Day.

In a post on her Facebook page, Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is calling for Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel to be fired, due to profane language he has used in the past. In response, Emmanuel is conversely calling for Palin to "get a f*cking job."

As the Senate plans to deal with the controversial Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) challenged the issued on NBC's "Meet The Press":

“In the middle of two wars and in the middle of this giant security threat, why would we want to get into this debate?"

To which a nearby child posited, "To have more soldiers for the two wars and security threats?"

MONDAY: Paying the way.

President Obama has sent Congress a $3.8 trillion budget that would raise the deficit to a record $1.56 trillion in an effort to combat dismal unemployment numbers. In an effort to be more careful with government spending, billions of the allotted dollars would simply be dropped in small bundles around the country, giving people the opportunity to work by collecting the packages and returning them to the federal government, earning 1/5 of the recovered sum. To help cover the red ink in the proposal, the administration is feeling out how much they can get from China for the sale of Joe Biden, or as he is known there, The Great Enumerator.

The budget ensures the continued addition of thousands of jobs in Kandahar Province, for anyone with experience not wearing body armor, and who is willing to tolerate Canadian coworkers.

The Obama administration is calling for a massive overhaul of President Bush's signature education law, No Child Left Behind, to help meet the concerns of teachers, unions and principals who have struggled to meet many of its provisions. New versions of the law currently being considered are, "America: Proud, Free, Illiterate," "Who Needs Math When You Have Google," and "Honestly A Ton Of Children Will Be Left Behind."