WEDNESDAY: Oil good things must come to an end.

In an effort to reduce America's dependence on foreign nations, President Obama will announce today his plans to lift a moratorium on off-shore drilling for oil. Progressives are already mobilizing to make a strong case that, instead, Obama should devote more resources to drilling for wind and solar power. The president campaigned on the idea that he was strongly against lifting the ban, although that was at a time when ideas seemed like a good idea.

California Senate candidate Carly Fiorina has received some flack for referring to Passover as a time when "we break bread and spend time with our families," even though leavened bread is strictly forbidden as part of the celebrations. She has clarified her comments saying that she was speaking metaphorically, and that people should stop slaving over the news blogs as she feels plagued by the rigor of the 24-hour news cycle.

The plain paper office copier turns fifty this month. Celebrations all throughout the country are being duplicated.

TUESDAY: French benefits.

In a speech at Columbia University, French President Nicolas Sarkozy commented on the American health care debate, saying, "The very fact that there should have been such a violent debate simply on the fact that the poorest of Americans should not be left out in the streets without a cent to look after them ... is something astonishing to us." Also astonishing to the French, though, are TiVo, NFL football and military victory.

The Republican National Committee has fired a staffer who spent close to $2000, without approval, entertaining donors at a bondage-themed club in West Hollywood. Chairman Michael Steele has expressed outrage over the incident, and demanded that in the future he be contacted ahead of time, so he can free himself from other obligations.

Ricky Martin has announced to the world, "I'm gay." The world has replied, "We know."

MONDAY: A weekend jaunt.

Under cover of night, President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan yesterday to remind Afghan President Hamid Karzai that he expects him to return basic services to his people, turn away warlords from ranking positions and do everything he can to reduce corruption in the country. The meeting is said to have gone well, with Karzai offering up further details to anyone who was interested for the reduced price of $45,000 a piece. Obama also spoke directly to the troops, reminding them of the importance of their efforts in the region, praising their successes, and making sure that they knew all about how he "kicked ass" and passed comprehensive health care reform last week.

The New York Times reports that some health insurance companies claim that while under the new reform laws they have to cover all conditions that a child brings into a policy, that they do not have to sell a policy to everyone in the first place. Republicans argue that these kinds of sleazy loopholes were avoidable, and that if they had been allowed more of a hand in crafting the bill that they could have pointed them out immediately.

FRIDAY: Stripping polls.

A CNN poll finds President Obama tied, 47% to 47% with a generic Republican in the 2012 election. These new figures are almost as daunting as a 2006 poll that showed Obama with a 5% chance of winning the 2008 election, a 2003 poll that gave him 0% percent national support and a 2002 poll where -24% were willing to confirm that he was a real human being.

Officials confirm that Sarah Palin will join Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) on the campaign trail, in their continued effort to do everything possible to make the other look like a complete and abysmal failure.

Congressional Democrats walked out of a bipartisan prayer breakfast yesterday after Texas Republican Randy Neugebauer, who recently shouted "baby-killer" at Rep. Bart Stupak (D-MI) following the health care reform vote, was asked to speak. Many attendees were fine with his appearance, until he started locating the Jews in the crowd to identify them as "Jesus-killers."

The White House will announce a plan today to help reduce the amount some home owners owe on their mortgages. The plan involves identifying people who owe more than the current value of their homes, bisecting their properties and using half of the space to house released terrorist detainees from the holding facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. In turn, the government will subsidize a significant amount of the mortgages owed and also put up some Chinese dressing screens so everyone learns to respect each others' space.

President Obama will be in Camp David tonight, spending a little time relaxing after fifteen months of having the shit beaten out of him.

See this blog again Monday.

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THURSDAY: Nothing couldn't go wrong.

The House will have to re-vote on the reconciliation bill for health care reform after a late-night ruling by the Senate parliamentarian deemed that two minor provisions violated the restrictions of using the procedure. Members are confident that the added step won't be met with any complications, as their recent legislative success has allowed them to ignore decades of blatant political ineptitude.

The US and Russia have agreed on a treaty to significantly reduce the size of each country's nuclear aresenals, in an effort to increase safety and keep Russia feeling relevant in international politics. The measure appeared to lift the spirits of president Dmitri Medvedev who, following the decision, came out of his room to play with Vladimir Putin's tigers for a while before his snack.

The New York Times reports that new national tests show that schoolchildren have made little or no progress in reading proficiency in recent years, and suspect that an increase in TV viewing and Internet use may be the cause. The New York Times is a newspaper, which you may be familiar if you are in fact able to read and like your news at least 12 hours old.

WEDNESDAY: A perfect tense.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and President Barack Obama met twice last night at the White House, but no signs were made public of any breakthrough between the two world leaders. Sources say that the situation was abnormally strained as Obama wanted to continue to revel in his health care reform success and Netanyahu was dying to catch up on the season premiere of Dancing with the Stars.

Organizers at the University of Ottawa canceled a speech by conservative pundit Ann Coulter following a threatening protest. Reports indicate that hundreds of Canadian students created a hostile situation, raising their voices and occasionally even standing up.

One of the provisions in the new health care reform bill will force fast food chains to post calorie counts on menu boards at their restaurants so that diners are more aware of what they are consuming. An earlier, more robust version of the bill would have simply required those franchises to post a sign letting patrons know that they were "about to eat shit."

A new Bloomberg National Poll reports that 70% of Americans despise "Wall Street," "banks" and "insurance companies," and strongly support "punishment." "Good guys" are also still favored by a 5 to 1 margin over "dick bags."

TUESDAY: Signed, sealed, delivered.

President Obama signs the health care reform bill into law this morning, so long as he doesn't muck it up with his left-handed antics.

Later today, Mr. Obama meets with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu as he starts work on the next demonstrative challenge no one has been able to solve for half a century. Meanwhile Secretary of State Hillary Clinton takes a team down to Mexico to help that country with it's law enforcement and judicial system, and Michelle Obama continues her campaign to fight childhood obesity, filling out the Trifecta of Impossible Issues. For the first time odds makers are giving Mexico the best chance to actually win, which says very little for the ability of fat children to stop getting fatter.

Google has partially withdrawn from China, redirecting users to their site housed in Hong Kong, where the popular search engine is not censored by the government. Many users are disappointed by the development and wish they had the same freedom in their country that others do, to look up Britney Spears crotch shots.

MONDAY: Health care for gall.

On Sunday night the House voted on the Senate version of the health care reform bill, passing into law the most significant social legislation in over four decades. Over the last year, Republicans have used reform as a way to rally their base and fund raise extensively, although this morning it appears they are making a shift to using the new laws as a way to fund raise extensively and rally the base.

The White House has been quietly planning the public relations push which will now take place over the next seven months, to educate Americans about the details of the bill. Many in the Obama administration believe that citizens will be less angry about the legislation when they actually understand what it entails without anti-reformer spin, so that they can move on to being angry about not having the long term benefits that won't be enacted for another four years.

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) has vowed to "challenge [reform] every place [he] can," after losing the fight to kill the bill, marking the seventh time that the former presidential candidate and Naval pilot has gone down in flames.

The Senate must now take up the reconciliation bill that the House passed last night, which will fix certain agreed-upon provisions from the original legislation to meet the interests of Democrats in both chambers. Sen. Jim DeMint plans on delaying passage as long as possible, because after referring to health care as Obama's "Waterloo," the South Carolina Republican is now furious that in his metaphor, this defeat now makes HIM the French.

FRIDAY: Taking votes of the situation.

With a final vote on health care reform in the House set for Sunday, President Obama has canceled his trip abroad, much to the chagrin of countless international party planners and sign makers, and Speaker Nancy Pelosi is hard at work to whip up the 216 votes necessary for the bill's passage. So far she has had mixed success wooing uncertain Democrats with the promise of added coverage for their constituents and bathroom handies in the Rayburn House Office Building. Senate Republicans are busy going through the reconciliation package, looking for provisions that should be stripped for violating reconciliation rules. Things are slow going, though, as "work" is proving to be as exhausting and uninteresting as they had assumed for fifteen months.

A&E Networks and Discovery Communications are both vying to acquire Sarah Palin's reality show, tentatively titled,"Sarah's Palin's Alaska," where the former governor and vice-presidential candidate would tour viewers all around the state she abandoned. Local residents are apparently thrilled that Palin might be returning to take further advantage of them, and hope that some of the $1-1.5 million she is requesting per episode could be used to fill the budget shortfall she left when she fled her office mid-term.

Lawmakers in Maryland have succeeded in moving from the Southern Region of the Council of State Governments to the Eastern Region, in an effort to distance themselves as much as possible from West Virginia.

A government watchdog group is faulting the FAA for allowing Southwest airlines to keep flying 55 of its Boeing 737 planes, as they had not undergone mandatory maintenance on rivets around the window frames. Southwest claims that many of the rivets were missing because they chose - as they are free to do under Southwest's policy - to go around aisles instead.

Tiger Woods has announced that he will return to golf at The Masters in Augusta, Georgia at the beginning of April. It is assumed that he will play all of the tournament's 72 holes, although officials are preparing for the possibility that he may want to go for up to 108.

Until Monday, continue to be.

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THURSDAY: Push it back, push it back, way back.

With the CBO score now released, Congress plans to soon vote on comprehensive health care reform, although Republicans are already plotting to repeal the bill if they gain control of either the House or the Senate in November. GOP efforts to repeal Medicare, Social Security and the Civil Rights Act of 1964 are ongoing.

Google has partnered with Sony and Intel to create a new TV platform called Google TV. The Internet based, application driven design will be perfect for viewers who want to be watched.

Oscar winner Sandra Bullock has apparently left the home she lives in with husband Jesse James. Reports indicate that the flare-up began after James forced Bullock to watch her own performance in the movie Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous.

Numerous sources now confirm that convicted con man Bernie Madoff was brutally assaulted in prison in December, requiring medical treatment for a broken nose, fractured ribs and cuts to the face. This comes as a disappointment to those who would have preferred to see Madoff brutally assaulted in public.

WEDNESDAY: HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY

The head of the Catholic Church in Ireland apologized today over revelations that he failed to alert police about a notorious pedophile priest. Many of the victims are coming out to take on some of the responsibility, claiming that they had asked to be filled up with the holy spirit.

With over 100 parades being held around Ireland today, from Skibbereen in County Cork to Dunfanaghy in County Donegal, organizers are warning attendees to be cautious. They are advising parade-goers to keep an eye on children, not to display valuables, and to be aware of pickpockets, also known as children.

Professor Padraic Fallon from Trinity College Dublin has made a breakthrough discovery in treating asthma. Stay away from London.

TUESDAY: Keep it simple, intelligible, straightforward and undemanding.

To help House Democrats keep health care messaging clear and effective, The White House has released a 14-page PowerPoint presentation of talking points to use when speaking with their constituents. To counter, Republicans have released a drawing of a man falling into a giant, lava-filled crack in the Earth after getting shoved by a PowerPoint presentation. Additionally, the GOP has tried to stoke the fears of voters and evoke the idea of imperialism by referring to the Ides of March and kamikaze bombers when discussing health care reform procedures. Polls show these references have had a greater affect on voters than Democrats' attempts to tie their efforts to Arbor Day and strolling through a generic meadow.

As she works to get the 216 votes needed to pass the legislation, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has signaled that she is not willing to make changes or give handouts in order to get members to switch their votes to a "yes" on the bill. Instead, she's threatening to send former Rep. Eric Massa (D-NY) to wage all-out public tickle fights during their fall reelection campaigns, or to lock members in a room for hours at a time with a Mountain Dew-fueled Michael Moore.

And finally, Iggy Pop was among the new inductees yesterday into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. His exhibit will be kept temporarily by doctors for observation.

MONDAY: Health care, for the birds.

On Fox News Sunday, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs claimed that by next week the health care reform bill would be the "law of the land." Republicans are already planning a response to argue that even if that's true, that hapless Democrats will have neglected the air and the seas.

The NCAA Men's Basketball selection committee announced the teams chosen yesterday for the championship tournament that begins later this week. Fans will now fill out their brackets and shift from claiming to know everything about sports in general, to knowing everything about how stupid your picks are.

Scientists have determined that the newly discovered Kreutz Sungrazer comet is on a collision course with the sun, where it is expected to burn up immediately. They are currently determining if they might be able to have the comet pass unscathed, though, using budget reconciliation.

FRIDAY: Easy access.

Sarah Palin and her husband Todd will testify in the federal case of a Tennessee man who guessed the former governor's email password and logged into her account during the 2008 presidential campaign. Defense attorneys intend to argue that the 22 year-old man was trying to make Palin's account more secure given that her initial password was "password."

Embattled New York governor, David Patterson currently has a 21% approval rating, although 50% want to see him finish out his term, proving again that the only thing New Yorkers hate more than change, is not having something to complain about.

It's being reported that Tiger Woods has hired former Bush adviser and press secretary Ari Fleischer to help reform his image as he returns to golf. Fleischer plans to demonstrate that Woods' attack on his own fidelity was justified in order to neutralize his member of mass destruction.

BREAKING NEWS: The Huffington Post's lead headline threatens to crush the Internet. Developing...

May your weekend be full of at least two days.

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THURSDAY: Fil-or-bust.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, said yesterday that to avoid abuse it is likely that the Senate will have to make changes to the filibuster rule at the beginning of the next Congress in January. It is also likely that Reid will enjoy those developments on CSPAN, from his living room in Nevada.

A new report shows that the national foreclosure rate fell 2% in February, as more and more Americans simply didn't bother to have homes at all.

EDITORIAL NOTE:
Democrats continue to meet to make the final push for health care reform, but they don't have a chance of getting it done if they keep pulling out the same metaphors that they have used over the last year. Republicans claim that the bill will be "shoved down America's throat," while Democrats insist they have the "ball on the goal line," or that they are close to "getting this bill home." While many Americans might recognize these sports analogies, they don't come close to being as effective as "throat-shoving."

But Americans have a long history of gladly shoving things down their throats; clearly they're not opposed to the practice, it just depends what it is that's going down there. So Democrats shouldn't say they want an "up or down vote" to mask reconciliation, instead, they need to say that they'll be "dipping the bill in spicy buffalo sauce" or "covering it in chocolate and sprinkling it with Twizzlers." This bill isn't over two thousand pages, it's "fun sized." You don't need to read the thing, just know that it's got "all natural ingredients." People will be dying to have this thing down their throats in no time, and millions of Americans can get back to doing what they do best, eating their way back to the doctor's office.

WEDNESDAY: Beck in the saddle again.

In an hour-long interview on Fox News last night, resigning representative Eric Massa (D-NY) managed to out-crazy Glenn Beck, as he attempted to explain the groping and tickling of male staffers that led to an ethics investigation against him. His justifications became so inane that Beck actually apologized to his viewers and Fox News hired him as a political analyst.

Actor Corey Haim, 38, was found dead in his apartment this morning in Los Angeles. He is believed to have overdosed on memories.

TUESDAY: Massa hole.

On Good Morning America today, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs asserted that Rep. Eric Massa's (D-NY) claim that Democrats had forced him out of office because he had voted against health care reform was "ridiculous." He added, "The notion that our party is capable of using such assertive action to pass legislation is preposterous."

The UConn women's basketball team won their 71st consecutive game last night, the most ever in the NCAA, which you probably already knew if you are one of the ten to twenty avid collegiate women's basketball fans.

Sony has announced a release date for their new 3D television. This is life-changing news to all those who love the escapism of staying at home and watching television, but wish their programming was more like reality.

MONDAY: Lady's night.

Kathryn Bigelow took home the Oscar for Best Director at last night's Oscar Awards, the first woman to ever do so. She also claimed Best Picture for The Hurt Locker, which most people have heard was a really great movie. Bigelow beat out her ex-husband James Cameron and his movie, Avatar, for the honors. Cameron showed up to the ceremony in an Italian tuxedo that at the cost of $27,000 was visually stunning but shockingly thin once you actually looked at the material.

Vice President Biden is embarking on a tour of the Middle East today, with no public events scheduled, another step in the White House's ongoing "Out of Sight, Out of Mind," mission.

And President Obama was in Willow Grove, Pennsylvania this morning where he said a bunch of shit about health care that he has said for the last fifteen months.

FRIDAY: Staying alive, staying alive.

Rep. Bart Stupak (D-MI) has said that he will not vote for the Senate's health care reform legislation without more restrictive abortion language, a move which threatens to kill the bill altogether. This is seen as a major victory for the pro-life movement, as there is no better way to preserve and cherish the sanctity of God's creation, then by letting it die quickly from sickness and injury.

Without Stupak and the seven to twelve representatives who may flip their votes with him, Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) will be in a tough bind trying to find enough votes to pass the bill. Although it is Friday on the Hill, and Pelosi's weekly lunches of margaritas and Häagen-Dazs have been known to put out even the nastiest fires.

The White House is signaling that it may overrule Attorney General Eric Holder and bow to pressure from the right to try terrorist Khalid Sheik Mohammed in a military tribunal instead of a civil court in New York City. In an unrelated story, scientists released a finding today showing that people without spines are the most likely to bend.

Until Monday, keep reading something.

As always, you can follow along at Twitter.com/TheWeekinRebuke.

THURSDAY: Please ask, I'll tell.

Senate Democrats introduced legislation to repeal the controversial Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, which bans openly gay men and women from serving in the military. The bill is co-sponsored by Joe Lieberman (I-CT) who used the opportunity to demonstrate his profound belief that all people have the right to do whatever it takes to get their names and pictures in more news stories.

HarperCollins has announced that Sarah Palin will follow up her successful first publishing effort, Going Rogue, with a second book that she plans to watch be written soon.

WEDNESDAY: Give a little, then give a lot.

Today, President Obama will announce a final health care compromise proposal, including four GOP ideas he gathered from the bipartisan discussions last week. As reward for his concessions, Republicans are expected to say "please," when they tell him to "go fuck himself."

On The Tonight Show last night, Sarah Palin defended her writing notes on her hand during a speech at the Tea Party Convention last month. She claims it's a trick she started using in high school, when she was also unable to remember three things at a time. She referred to it as the "poor boy's version of the teleprompter," which she used because apparently her $100,000 speaking fee left her too impoverished to purchase any equipment.

Same-sex marriage becomes legal in Washington, DC today, following the passing of the law by the city council, and finally validating the longing glares the Lincoln Memorial has been giving the Washington Monument for decades.

And finally, incumbent Rick Perry has won the Republican primary decisively, and now moves on to defend his seat as the President of Texas.

TUESDAY: For the benefit of Mr. Right.

Sen. Jim Bunning (R-KY) continues his effort to block a vote on extending unemployment benefits over concerns of raising the national debt. Hundreds of thousands of people are listening to the senator's objections and carefully considering the merit of his political ideology, as well as what the best fiscal path for our country should be, in lieu of using that time to eat or see doctors.

In the aftermath of an 8.8 magnitude earthquake that rocked his country, Chilean President Michelle Bachelet has said that lawlessness will not be tolerated. Cleanliness will also be thrown out by necessity and Godliness is in serious question altogether.

President Obama had his first physical in office this week, where doctors warned him about his smoking habit and rising cholesterol levels, which he proposed could be alleviated by abolishing the Senate.

MONDAY: Showing their medal.

On Sunday, Canada secured a 3-2 overtime victory over the USA to claim the gold medal in men's hockey, closing out the Olympic games in Vancouver. Americans now return to normal and can stop pretending that they care about hockey.

The United States racked up 37 medals, the most by any country, although domination didn't have the same excitement that it did during the Cold War. Despite the US Olympic committee's best efforts, they could not encourage Afghanistan to field a team for the Vancouver games.