FRIDAY: Sun, sand and flip-flop.

Florida Gov. Charlie Crist announced yesterday that he is leaving the Republican party to run for the Senate as an independent, after polls showed him losing ground to conservative Marco Rubio for weeks. In bolting from the GOP, Crist holds on to his fundamental, core principle - winning elections. Apparently, he could no longer take the heat from the younger Rubio, which is surprising considering he already withstood the napalm blast that charred his face. The governor will be returning a percentage of GOP campaign contributions to donors who want their money back, although he won't be able to reimburse them for what he's already given up of his dignity.

Crist is not the first politician to bolt his party to keep his electoral hopes alive. Following a loss in the primary, Joe Lieberman switched from being a Democrat to an independent, leading to not only victory, but also the systematic dismantling of his belief system, and senior Sen. Arlen Specter in his career has switched from The Tories to the The Whig Party, Whig to Republican, and then Republican to Democrat, but only because the Constitutional Union Party had been abolished in 1860.

Enjoy the time between the end of the week and the beginning of the next.

Follow along at Twitter.com/TheWeekinRebuke.

THURSDAY: Mistaken Identi-tea.

The New York-based AriZona beverage company, makers of teas and juices, are accidentally feeling the results of a boycott against the state of Arizona, following its passing of a strict new immigration law. The same kind of confusion led to economic troubles in the 1940s for the Rhode Island-based Easy Peesy Japanesy Motor Grease company.

Charlie Crist will leave the Republican party and run for the soon-to-be vacant Florida Senate seat as an independent, after the GOP abandoned him for prodigious conservative, Marco Rubio. Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT) pulled the same maneuver after losing a Democratic primary, which, if looked at as precedent, could mean we can expect Crist to dismantle his core beliefs any day now.

A Harvard Law student is under fire for sending an email in which he stated that it was possible that "African Americans are, on average, genetically predisposed to be less intelligent." This new finding solidifies the old theory that Harvard students are, on average, genetically predisposed to be giant fucking douchebags.

The History Channel has announced the casting for many of the roles in their upcoming miniseries, "The Kennedys." Greg Kinnear will play JFK, Katie Holmes will play Jackie Kennedy and Paula Abdul will play The Cuban Missile Crisis.

WEDNESDAY: Bare-izona.

Arizona could be in for a major economic backlash as mounting calls for boycotting the state come as a result of the state's tough new immigration law. This is good news for convention centers and hotels in place like Toledo, Ohio, where the motto is, "Toledo: Your last best option," and Enid, Oklahoma, "Enid: Because you have to for work."

Texas Gov. Rick Perry recently shot a coyote with a laser-sighted pistol he had tucked into his belt during a morning jog. Perry apparently likes to exercise but has a hard time working up a sweat without the threat of accidentally mutilating his genitals.

Actor Jason Alexander won't be cited after striking a 14 year-old boy on a bike with his car in Los Angeles yesterday. Alexander, whose career has sputtered since playing George on "Seinfeld," expressed regret over the incident, but was pretty excited to a have a hit.

Sting has sold his Central Park West Duplex for $19 million, about $5 million under the original asking price. The value apparently dropped after it was revealed that Sting has made love to all 6,600 square feet.

Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) has announced that he is sending his climate bill to the Environmental Protection Agency to be reviewed, even though co-author Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) has already deemed the bill polluted.

TUESDAY: Hearing loud and clear.

Current and former Goldman Sachs executives head to Capitol Hill today to face tough questions from lawmakers about their role in bringing on the financial crisis. If recent hearings provide any clues as to what will transpire, there will likely be a lot of yelling and apologizing, and then the Senators will start asking questions. If you like, you can invest in the hearings but be advised that the executives will likely try to keep them short. They should easily be successful given the certainty that the hearing's value will drop over the course of the morning.

Senate Republicans all voted together to block moving forward on a financial reform bill aimed at regulating Wall Street and preventing another economic meltdown. Democrats see it as a political victory, which they plan on celebrating to make themselves feel better about November's upcoming cavalcade of political ass whippings. A number of Republicans have openly acknowledged that they support the bill, but they did not want to upset Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) for fear of being engulfed by his enraged jowels. Bipartisan negotiations will continue behind closed doors as Senators work to get this popular legislation passed. A compromise will likely include the conditions that Republicans get to claim credit for a few key provisions, and Democrats get to claim they were involved in the legislation at all. The GOP is confident that such a deal is inevitable.

MONDAY: License, registration and language of origin, please.

Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer has signed a controversial bill into law, that requires police to question people about their immigration status if they believe they are in the country illegally. Officers will be trained in identifying potential violators by the same military scientists who developed Gaydar technology. Opponents believe it will lead to greater racial profiling, while law enforcement officials are excited to work on their Spanish. Protests popped up over the weekend in Arizona's most diverse area, Mexico.

Vice President Biden predicted today that the American economy will add between 100,000 and 200,000 jobs next month, and 250,000-500,000 jobs the month after that. The estimate came after Biden spent most of the morning analyzing his gut and pouring over the empty space above his playpen. He also predicted that the Dems will lose 40 House seats in November, that gas will cost $1.50 by July and that by the end of 2014 there will only be 25 people living in Maryland. He spent the rest of the morning trying to eat his phone.

FRIDAY: Space, the finger-pointing frontier.

The Air Force has launched the unmanned X-37B Orbital Test Vehicle into space, where it can stay for up to 270 days. The craft is expected to aid in national defense, by using its unobstructed vantage point to profile potential immigrants in Arizona.

Court martial charges have been brought against Lt. Col. Terrence Lakin, the Army doctor who refuses to report for duty in Afghanistan until President Obama proves that he is a natural born citizen. Prosecutors are concerned as they do not yet know how they will be able to get Lakin to produce paperwork to prove that he is a natural born douchebag.

BREAKING NEWS: The Huffington Post accidentally hits the caps lock. Story developing...

Have a weekend.

Follow along at Twitter.com/TheWeekinRebuke.

THURSDAY: Enhanced banking regulation.

Discussing the goals of financial reform on ABC, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said that if banks are being too risky, that they want to be able to "dismember them" and "take them out of existence." Former Bush administration counsel John Yoo is being consulted to sign off on the legality of such measures, and is expected to have no objections.

Former vice president Dick Cheney has formally endorsed Marco Rubio in the Florida Republican senate primary, trying to elbow Governor Charlie Crist out of the race that is quickly getting away from him. Crist has responded by formerly endorsing Death in the primary battle against Dick Cheney's heart, which has appeared to gain strength in its fight by getting colder and darker.

Vice President Joe Biden will appear on The View this week, where he plans to team up with Barbara Walters, Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar to eat Elisabeth Hasselbeck, if the quartet can collectively remove the feet from their mouths first.

WEDNESDAY: Sounds NATO to me.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is heading to a NATO meeting in Estonia, where some of the most supportive of the organization's members are expected to be delayed, as they still have not purchased new maps since the fall of the Soviet Union. NATO is going through a bit of a mid-life crisis, trying to determine its exact mission, having been originally founded in 1961 to help stave off the threat of a Soviet invasion of Western Europe. It was recently spotted spending more time with the G-20 and is thinking about getting a place by the beach to "find itself."

During the Supreme Court case of City of Ontario vs. Quon, which concerns "sexting," many of the justices appeared to be confused by the technology involved in the oral arguments, with Justice Scalia asking what an "internet service provider" was, Justice Kennedy not knowing what would happen if someone received a text while he was sending one, and Chief Justice Roberts asking what the difference was "between email and a pager." The 90 year-old Justice John Paul Stevens was quiet throughout, as he spent the time secretly penning a particularly saucy missive to the long-dead Greta Garbo. During the recess, the justices planned to get caught up on the necessary technological information by taking a nap and forgetting where they were.

Sen. John Ensign (R-NV) took in a mere $50 in campaign contributions in the last quarter, calling into question whether or not he will be re-electable in 2012. For those of you keeping track, that pace puts him just 199 fundraising quarters away from being able to pay back his parents for the money they gave to one of his top aides, to keep him quiet after Ensign bonked the man's wife.

TUESDAY: Mayor may not.

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel confirmed on Charlie Rose last night that as soon as six-term incumbent Richard M. Daley decides to step down, he would like to run for mayor in Chicago. As soon as the comment was made, supporters began printing up "Emanuel for Mayor - 2051" bumper stickers.

Sen. Olympia Snowe (R-ME) has expressed that she may be willing to vote with Democrats on a financial reform bill that thus far has garnered no Republican support, although her position may change after she cashes in on the free lunch and upper thigh massage from Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner.

President Obama was heckled yesterday at a fundraiser for Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA) by opponents of the controversial "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. Obama has described the incident as "gay."

Second Amendment rallies were held in Washington, DC and northern Virginia yesterday, filled with angry speech and anti-government sentiment. Meanwhile Glenn Beck's ongoing First Amendment rally continues on Fox News nightly.

Embattled Republican Charlie Crist is considering running as an Independent in the Florida Senate race, as conservative challenger Marco Rubio begins to pull away in the primary polls. As Crist's wife notes, the governor has had no problem switching teams in the past.

MONDAY: Space Report.

Last week, President Obama claimed he was "100 percent committed to the mission of NASA," a significant downgrade from former president George W. Bush who had asserted that he was "150 percent super-committed." Speaking at the Kennedy Space Center, Obama went on to lay out his vision for the future of the space program. First step: future vision. Once attained, Obama plans to see what will be accomplished down the space road, then make sure to start projects to meet those goals, thus ensuring his being able to claim credit for their inevitable, future success.

Obama has already announced a few specific goals, such as a manned flight to Mars and landing on an asteroid. He apparently crafted his vision after a weekend-long movie bender that included, Mission to Mars and the Michael Bay classic, Armageddon. White House officials successfully managed to pull Battlefield Earth out of his Netflix queue before it was too late. The president expressed confidence that both the Mars and asteroid goals would be met in his lifetime, although he failed to add that he is spending billions on NASA space-life research in an attempt to keep him alive forever.

The president has decided to cancel the Constellation program, initiated by President Bush to return astronauts to the moon, and thus denying the country a whole generation's worth of fake moon science and novelty moon-related gifts. As a consolation, Obama is encouraging everyone to find a rock, take it home and use it to bludgeon a Communist. Many conspiracy theorists are taking this as a clear sign that we never in fact went to the moon in the first place and lack the ability to, although their ramblings grew far quieter once they all left Mel Gibson's house.

The administration is investing $6 billion to encourage private companies to develop their own spaceships, that NASA would take advantage of to ferry astronauts to the International Space Station. The influx of cash, though, is solely intended to cover the cost of checking the astronaut's luggage.

FRIDAY: A taxing day.

Tea Party members swarmed Washington, DC yesterday to celebrate Tax Day by protesting just about anything they could make a sign for. Staging the event in the nation's capitol reminded people of America's philosophical roots, of getting back to a small government of "no taxation for all of that representation."

Most of the protests were focused on the November midterm elections and identifying candidates that they felt were qualified to unseat Democratic incumbents. The primary qualification for Tea Party endorsement appears to be a candidate's ability to shout and use large stacks of paper as props for just about anything.

A group of anti-government Tea Party members has been forming within the US military. Their first statement released was simply, "We hate our boss."

And while all of the anti-tax rallying was carrying on, President Obama issued an order that will make it easier for gay and lesbian couples to gain hospital visitation rights. Gift shop owners are already planning for an increased demand for stuffed animals and balloons.

EDITORIAL NOTE:
Watching the Tea Party protests yesterday I started to sympathize with the movement's main message: Government should be smaller so it can focus more of its money and energy on the most important things - me, and what I care about. Right now there are billions in resources going to things I never even get to take advantage of. Like the Department of Education. I finished school so long ago that I can't even count the number of years it has been, and even if someone told me what year I graduated, I'm not sure I could calculate it anyway. My point, though, is that we need to abolish this entire department to free up resources for things that I am doing now. That money could go to speeding up the Internet or adding more self-checkout lanes at the grocery store, because when I'm held up doing what I want to on a daily basis, it really cuts into the time I have to be mad about not getting to do the things I want to on a daily basis.

Do I think that the government should completely abolish taxes? Of course not. I just want them to exclusively be spent on me. Because right now, money that gets taken out of my hard-earned government-issued unemployment check is being scattered around willy-nilly for stop lights, airport security, clean drinking water, developing renewable energy sources, maintaining national parks, operating the Postal Service, etc. The last time I kind-of checked quickly, scattering money around was pretty much Socialism. Don't get me wrong, I like being social, but I like focusing on myself a whole lot more.

Until Monday, be.

Follow along at Twitter.com/TheWeekinRebuke

THURSDAY: Getting down to brass tax.

The Tea Party Express, a road show of anti-government speakers and performers, was in Boston yesterday as it made its way to Washington, DC in time for Tax Day. The group, which encourages an aggressive discourse supporting no taxes, small government and anti-immigration, proved that their rally was just a stone's throw from the original Boston Tea Party, when they started throwing stones. Sarah Palin was the main speaker for the event, whipping up the crowd by discussing the importance of conviction and standing up for what you believe in. The former vice presidential candidate has been earning huge pay days on the speaking circuit ever since she had the conviction to stand up and walk out on her job as governor of Alaska after only half a term.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) contends that the new financial regulation reform bill under consideration would encourage future bailouts of the banks, while Democrats claim that it would prevent such bailouts. The press is working to reconcile these and a number of other comments that were all given on Opposite Day.

Convinced he is having an affair with her sister, Shawn Southwick has filed for divorce from husband and CNN host Larry King. King issued a statement asserting that he has "enough shoulder" for more than one woman.

WEDNESDAY: A comment place occurrence.

Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee is battling a college journalist whom he claims "grossly distorted his views" on gay adoption, quoting him as saying "children are not puppies." The former Arkansas governor has expressed regret for agreeing to be interviewed by grosslydistortedviews.blogspot.com in the first place, and has clarified his comment, explaining that children may, in fact, sometimes be puppies.

The details of Sarah Palin's speaking contract with California State University, Stanislaus Foundation have been discovered, revealing a whole slew of specific requests the school had to meet to secure her services, including providing first-class travel, allowing her to pre-screen questions and making sure she had bendable drinking straws for her bottled water. Notably not included in her speaking requirements: grammar, punctuation or reason. The contract was recovered by students from a campus trash bin after they heard administrators might be shredding documents related to the former Alaska governor's appearance, proving that one man's trash, is still total trash.

A new law in Arizona requires police officers to check a noncriminal's immigration status if there is a "reasonable belief" that he or she is undocumented. Actions leading to such a check might include seeking day labor, walking north or enjoying a memory about Selena.

President Obama plans to announce his space program vision, which commentators anticipate will be far more involving than 3D vision, but incredibly expensive and prone to making you vomit.

TUESDAY: Making a quick buck.

Twitter.com is all set to unveil its advertising model, allowing companies to post promotional information targeted at specific user demographics. The micro-blogging site promises that the new addition will not change the Twitter experience at all, as the ads will be brief, poorly phrased and irrelevant within minutes.

The White House was quick to shoot down a rumor that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was in consideration for the soon-to-be vacant seat on the Supreme Court, although there was some question as to what their exact response would be once they were done giggling and snorting.

Senate Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) is pursuing comprehensive immigration reform as he battles for his political life in a tough campaign. Officials claim that Reid wants to make sure that he has access to an abundance of cheap labor when he returns to the private sector in January.

On Fox and Friends this morning former White House adviser Dick Morris vilified Barack Obama as our "first anti-American president." Bill Clinton has issued an apology.

Conan O'Brien is headed to TBS in the fall, which Jay Leno admitted "looks pretty nice..."

MONDAY: Judging his options.

Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens announced on Friday that he will retire this summer, paving the way for President Obama to make his second appointment to the court. While officials say he is confident he can nominate someone with the legal acumen of Justice Stevens, he is not sure he can find a qualified replacement who is as old or has as many parts in their name. Possible choices include Solicitor General Elena Kagan, Seventh Circuit Appeals Court Justice Diane Wood, and Obama himself dressed in a wig and speaking in a Jewish accent.

Tiger Woods did not win the Masters golf tournament on Sunday, finishing five shots away from convincing people that he could be excused for his past indiscretions.

Adobe has unveiled its new Photoshop CS5 software, blowing people away with a swath of new exciting features. Automatic lens corrections, HDR photography and automated editing tools will completely revolutionize the way that high school kids put their friends' heads on celebrities' bodies.

George Stephanopolous interviewed Russian President Dmitri Medvedev on Good Morning America today, where he asked him about new Siberian fashion trends and got advice on picking just the right potato vodka for your spring barbecue.

FRIDAY: A brand nuke attitude.

This week, Sarah Palin criticized President Obama's decision to reduce the size of the United States' nuclear arsenal, stating, "No administration in America's history would I think ever have considered such a step that we just found out that President Obama is supporting today." To further illustrate her argument she went on to point out that no president before the 1940s even mentions touching the country's nuclear arsenal.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has decided not to attend President Obama's 47-country nuclear security summit next week, after reports that both Egypt and Turkey planned to question him about his country's supposed nuclear arsenal. Instead Netanyahu plans to hold his own summit of Jewish prime ministers from the Middle East to decide how hard the rest of the world can eat a dick.

Tea party leaders have announced plans to form a national federation to promote the movement's conservative message and to counter the idea that the tea parties are politically unsophisticated and disorganized. A spokesperson said the federation intends to convey a unified message about the tea party's philosophy of limited government, less public spending and everyone else being a socialist/fascist welfare-sucking Nazi. T-shirts and signs for the group are currently being reprinted after numerous spelling errors were discovered in the first batch.

Gregory Giusti, who has been arrested for threatening a government official, apparently called Speaker Nancy Pelosi over 48 times during a 7 week period, and claimed that his number was untraceable because he was using a product called Magic Jack. Magic Jack, of course, is a high tech, cloak and dagger phone system available at Best Buy that allows you to make calls through your computer's Internet connection, which befuddled the FBI for at least a few seconds.

Forbes reports that Glenn Beck made $32 million over the last year, while The New York Times earned a sack of soda can tabs from a confused homeless person.

Until Monday, continue to be.

Follow along at Twitter.con/TheWeekinRebuke.

THURSDAY: A good signing.

President Obama and Russian President Dmitri Medvedev have signed a major nuclear arms treaty that greatly reduces the stockpiles of both nations. Both agreed that an overstocked arsenal would do nothing to help either country fight their greatest threats - for the US, terrorism, and for Russia, irrelevance.

A wave of protests in Kyrgyzstan have left 75 people dead and an opposition movement in charge of the government. International peacekeeping forces are determined to provide support in the country, as soon as they can figure out where it is and how to get there. Early planning efforts have resulted in their being able to successfully spell Kyrgyzstan, which they note marks significant progress.

Dublin-based RyanAir is once again considering a plan to charge 1 euro to use the bathroom on flights under one hour. In an effort to raise funds the company is also considering plans to charge for carry-on articles in your pockets, reclining and unnecessary conversation. Passengers asked if they care about the possible change have noted that they definitely give a shit, they just don't want to have to pay to.

The FBI has arrested a man for making threatening phone calls to Speaker Nancy Pelosi over health care reform, and plan on letting the public know which member of Congress it is soon.

A Qatari diplomat is in custody for joking about lighting his shoe on fire while smoking a cigarette in a bathroom on a flight from DC to Denver. Officials would have urged him to keep his day job, but that will likely not be an option.

WEDNESDAY: Taking aim.

A Muslim cleric tied to the attempted bombing of a Detroit-bound airliner has become the first US citizen added to a list of suspected terrorists the CIA is authorized to kill, although now that the precedent is set, most officials expect that the entire cast of The Jersey Shore will be added by the end of the day.

KFC is getting set for the nationwide roll-out of a bacon and cheese sandwich, called The Double Down, which is served on two pieces of fried chicken in lieu of a bun. The creation earned its name by requiring diners to gamble, with their heart's ability to work. McDonald's plans to respond with a Let It Ride sandwich, which will be comprised of three ham-covered fish filets served on two deep-fried apple pies.

The DNC banked $2 million more than their GOP counterparts in the month of March, although much of the margin was due to the committee's ability to limit their number of bondage-based club outings.

TUESDAY: Rolling with the plan.

The White House held its annual Easter Egg roll yesterday, a tradition dating back to 1878. While all of the children have cleared out by now, officials hope the activity will keep Vice President Biden occupied through June.

After a long review by the Defense Department, the Obama administration is narrowing the circumstances under which the US would use nuclear weapons. Some of the situations being removed from the list include a "USSR border attack," "Hawaii wants a good splash" and "Animated movie wins the Oscar for Best Picture."

Politico reports that the RNC's Young Eagles program, responsible for the recent bondage club flap, has in fact enabled many young conservatives to donate a marginal amount of money before taking advantage of a whole host of expensive events. Many of the socially awkward gentlemen that serve as members especially enjoyed the group's mixers with the RNC's Young Cougars program.

Duke University won the NCAA men's basketball championship last night, proving that the fervent prayers of millions of Americans can do absolutely nothing to effect the outcome of a sporting event.

Former Rep. Pat Toomey (R-PA), who is looking to unseat Republican-turned-Democratic Sen. Arlen Specter, raised over $2.3 million this past weekend, and has over $4 million in cash on hand. Specter has responded by switching to the Green Party, which he hears is "very in" right now.

Israel has warned Palestine against not declaring outright independence next year. Palestine has warned Israel against not going and fucking themselves.

MONDAY: EXCLUSIVE - New GOP Talking Points Revealed

The Week in Rebuke has obtained a leaked copy of a Republican caucus internal memo regarding how to fight health care reform in the 2010 midterm election campaign. We have reprinted it here in it's entirety.

MEMO TO ALL MEMBERS OF THE REPUBLICAN CAUCUS

As you know, many of the most significant changes laid out in the recently passed health care reform bill are still years away, but if we want to make repeal our target issue in November then we need to make one thing clear right now:
“The immediate changes to our health care system will not save lives, they will end them. They will not make our country better, they will make it European”
---
Democrats will claim that this bill helps children who need health insurance.
-If health insurance companies do not have the freedom to deny children certain benefits based on pre-existing conditions, then it is obvious what this bill accomplishes, taking away FREEDOM.
-If you give a sick child health insurance, that nearly triples his odds of survival, only to die later on in life. “Give sick kids health coverage, and you are ultimately KILLING CHILDREN.”

Democrats will claim that this bill helps children who already have coverage because health insurance companies now have to reveal how much they spend on overhead.
-But these are huge multi-billion dollar companies and if they are spending all of their time posting figures online, then what time is left to take care of patients? The answer is NONE. “Bottom line: Transparency = MORE DEAD CHILDREN.”

FACT: Babies have been dying in this country since at least the time Speaker Pelosi took control of the House. Curious.

Democrats say that if you like your doctor, you can keep him or “her.”
-Health insurance reform will lead to the failure of the health insurance industry, by disallowing companies from cutting patients from their policies when they get sick. Now, millions of Americans are going to get sick and die WITH HEALTH INSURANCE. “President Obama will have a lot of questions to answer when more people than ever are DYING from having health insurance.”

FACT: If you take the letters in Health Care Reform, you can rearrange them to spell “End the free market.” If you try to double-check that you will just be wasting valuable time that you could spend being outraged.

54% of Americans believe that this bill will give them more control in their own lives.
-THEY ARE WRONG. This bill is a total government take-over that lets THEM control how YOU EAT. Fast food restaurants will have to start listing calories on menus soon. That means it is only a matter of time before millions of Americans STOP EATING, and people need food to stay ALIVE.
67% of Americans believe that even if we shed some excess population, that the human race will still survive in the long term.
-THEY ARE WRONG. A new 10% tax on indoor tanning will be imposed starting this July. Do the math, folks: 10% more tax on 100% of the people who need tanner skin to be physically attractive means a 90% drop in the amount of human procreation happening on the planet, which will lead to a total expulsion of the human race within ONE YEAR.
-“This bill will end the human race by 2011.”

FACT: Socialism, Fascism, Nazism, and Progressivism were all created by the same people - DEMOCRATS. What do Democrats love more than anything? This bill.

FACT: Hitler wrote the health care bill, Mussolini proofread it and it is going to holoCOST Americans every penny they have earned. QED.

This bill has countless catastrophic side effects:
-“Looking at this bill too long will lead to blindness, which will lead to DEATH.”
-“Dropping this bill out the window could lead to a paper cut across someone’s throat, in turn KILLING them.”
-“Just printing this bill willfully uses paper, which means you are willfully killing trees, and willful killing is MURDER. Democrats are MURDERERS who love DEATH and want you and everyone you care about DEAD. If they try to disprove any of this, then they are only wasting taxpayer money investigating facts that are already well established and accepted by anyone with a brain.” Or, “Sexy people hate health care reform.”
---
Stick to these talking points and the election this November will be a DISASTER for the Democrats. We will take over the majority in both the Senate and the House and EVERYONE knows it, as soon as we tell them.

FRIDAY: Labor pains.

The Labor Department has announced that the country added 162,000 jobs in the month of March, although the unemployment rate stayed at 9.7%, as all of those jobs just went to one guy who is busting his ass trying to pay off student loans.

Democrats are debating what President Obama's role should be in their midterm election campaigns, given how polarizing a figure he is among constituents who range from optimistic to radical. Some strategists believe he should start earlier than he did last year to help make a difference, whereas others think he would help candidates gain more favor if he stayed in Washington, and abolished the federal government.

In light of some recent comments, Secretary of the Army John McHugh felt it necessary to reiterate that the controversial "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy is still in place for the time being, and that any soldier who admits they are gay will be discharged. The announcement has led to troops listening to less Lady Gaga, watching less Bravo TV and avoiding eye contact altogether.

Next month, former president George W. Bush will earn another paycheck on the speaking circuit, addressing the national conference of the American Wind Energy Association. He plans to clearly demonstrate the financial benefits of utilizing hot air.

The Democratic National Committee is now selling t-shirts commemorating Vice President Joe Biden's comment near a live microphone, that health care reform was a "big fucking deal." At $25 a piece, though, the print-only shirts bearing the acronym "BFD," are a big fucking rip-off.

May your weekend be full of at least two days.

For more, play along at Twitter.com/TheWeekinRebuke.

THURSDAY: Happy April Fools.

It's April 1st and pranks are being committed all over the country today. The humor site Funny or Die has refashioned itself to be totally run by teen pop star Justin Bieber, Google has pretended to change its name to Topeka, and Sen. Bob Corker (R-TN) told a crowd at Vanderbilt University that Republicans should have made more of an effort in the past to work with Democrats in Congress. For all the rest of your prank news, you can tune in every day of the year to Fox and MSNBC.

As President Obama travels the country touting the new health care reform laws, seniors are nervous about how the legislation will affect their Medicare coverage. Seniors are also nervous about the economy, the war in Afghanistan, baggage fees, teenage hair, wi-fi, uncleaned feathers, loud noises, dark chocolate, spontaneous fire, alchemy, Spain, reading in low light, dishpan hands, dishpan face, malapropisms, unlined paper, chin residue, the collected works of Tom Waits, the speed limit, snake oil, Starbursts, pop-up ads, oragami, and danger.

Today is the deadline to mail in your census form, or National Digging Through The Trash Day.