MONDAY: Happy Memorial Day.

All over the country today, Americans will come together to celebrate the lives of fallen soldiers by going to barbecues and drinking too much Bud Light in the sun. Meanwhile, wars in Iraq and Afghanistan continue to keep thousands of US soldiers abroad and away from their loved ones, without proper access to barbecues and Bud Light. President Obama has asserted his commitment to cleaning up the mess in the Middle East, although to this point BP has been unwilling to help.

FRIDAY: A wide stance across the aisle.

President Obama expressed that he is pleased that both Republicans and Democrats in the House and Senate Armed Services Committee took important steps toward ending the military's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy yesterday. Repealing the ban will allow both gays and straights to serve openly, although it is still not clear how it will effect bipartisans.

Former president Bill Clinton campaigns with Blanche Lincoln (D-AR) today in Little Rock, as she continues her bid to earn the right to lose to a Republican challenger in November.

Kentucky senate candidate Rand Paul (R) insisted to a Russian TV station that children born in the United States to illegal immigrants should not be given US citizenship. This idea would completely violate the 14th Amendment of the Constitution, the pesky document that also would prohibit other Paul ideas, such as eliminating jury trials, mandating Christianity and banning any press who insist on writing down what he says.

Enjoy the holiday, as well as the weekend that precedes it.

Follow along at Twitter.com/TheWeekinRebuke.

THURSDAY: Breaking up the ban.

A vote on the military's controversial Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy could come in the House as soon as today, after a compromise was reached with the White House and agreed to by the Defense Department that would give the military as much time as it wants before lifting the ban. If also passed by the Senate, this would be an historic piece of legislation that would completely change absolutely nothing immediately. Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) claimed, "I'm going to do everything I can to support the men and women of the military and to fight what is clearly a political agenda." Currently in a primary battle back home, McCain made the comments on camera while using a taser to electrify a border fence. The men and women of the military responded to the claim, saying that one of the best ways to provide them support would be to stop discharging soldiers in the middle of a war.

In technology news, Apple has surpassed Microsoft as the largest technology company in the world by market capitalization, as consumers flock to their range of technologies that have always been marketed as user-friendly. Microsoft chairman Bill Gates responded in anger by frying millions of computers from the inside with the flick of a switch in his bathroom. Apple CEO Steve Jobs celebrated the news by disappearing into a vault of black turtleneck shirts.

Following her insistence that people should barter chickens for medical care and a possible massive violation of campaign finance laws, Nevada GOP Senate candidate Sue Lowden has been dubbed "Suicidal Sue" by one of her top supporters, Reno Mayor Bob Cashell. He settled on the nickname after determining that "Pooch-screwin' Sue" and "Downs Sue-drome" could be misinterpreted as derisive.

WEDNESDAY: A big sense of importance.

Carl-Henric Svanberg, the chairman of BP, lashed out at those who criticize his company's response to the Gulf oil spill, saying that BP is "big and important." Some other things that are big and important like BP include Hurricane Katrina, Operation Iraqi Freedom and the Gulf oil spill.

President Obama has ordered 1,200 troops to the border, to protect Mexicans from Arizona governor Jan Brewer.

And the Los Angeles Lakers lost Game 4 of the NBA's Western Conference Finals on Tuesday night, by a score of 115-106. Lakers guard Kobe Bryant is protesting the loss with the league, on the grounds that it conflicts with his world view.

TUESDAY: A decent proposal.

President Obama has sent a proposal to Congress that would make it quicker and easier to cut unnecessary costs and waste from spending bills. The first element of the congressional measures he is expected to cut if it passes? Congress.

Nikki Haley, a Republican gubernatorial candidate in South Carolina, has been accused of having an affair in 2007 with conservative blogger Will Folks. Folks, who raised the charges himself, adhered to the journalistic standards of the Internet by providing no proof or details whatsoever.

A truck carrying 17 million bees crashed in Minnesota yesterday, forcing firefighters to douse them with water while everyone else in their families ran around the highway in circles, waving their arms. Anyone who is allergic to upwards of 75-90 thousand bees stings is encouraged to stay away from I-35 for a few days. While this crash poses some problems for travelers, officials note that this is a far easier accident to contain than last year when a truck crashed carrying 17 million howler monkeys.

MONDAY: Heading off to summer campaign.

CQ reports that first-term House Democrats are not eager to have President Obama make campaign appearances with them, as they are still judging how popular he is in their districts. They say the safer bet is to go with a likable figure who has no connection to the president's decisions, like Joe Biden.

The Washington Post reports that Democrats appear to be pulling back on efforts to reach out to religious communities, in spite of the significant headway that was made in 2008. While many critics were stumped as to why they would change their minds about the importance of such an outreach, they now think that it could be due to the resurfacing of an earlier report that "God is dead." The report is being investigated anew by a beleaguered team of researchers in New Orleans.

Connecticut Attorney General Rod Blumenthal (D), who is running to replace Chris Dodd in the Senate, has finally apologized for lying to veterans about serving in the Vietnam War. Blumenthal said he regrets the offense, but is prone to dispelling misinformation following the trauma he experienced fighting in Korea, Gulf War I and the bombing of Libya.

And finally, a new poll from Gallup shows that Americans are less opposed to gay marriage now than at any time in history, although the graph of the results shows that the line demonstrating low support for such a measure has been straight for quite some time.

FRIDAY: Reform you can bank on.

The Senate yesterday passed a sweeping financial reform bill that puts the greatest restraints on banks since the Great Depression, since they have not demonstrated an ability to put any on themselves. Four Republicans voted for the bill, two Democrats voted against it, and everyone else couldn't wait for summer break to finally sit down and read the sucker. The bill would create a Financial Services Oversight Council, a Consumer Financial Protection Bureau and an independent board to select ratings agencies to assess the risks of new financial products. Senators felt it was important to have as many other people to blame as possible the next time the entire economy plunges into a fiery hole.

Kentucky Senate Candidate Rand Paul (R) spent most of the day yesterday defending comments that he did not support portions of the Civil Rights Act and blamed the attack on Democrats who are "way behind in Kentucky" and "make up a lot of stuff" to gain ground. And while there is video of Paul clearly stating that he believes Title II of the legislation infringes on free speech for private businesses, it has yet to be determined exactly which Democrats created such a life-like clip.

Paul doubled down by attacking President Obama, claiming that he is being "un-American" by criticizing a business like BP in the wake of the oil spill riddling the Gulf of Mexico. He went on to blame the Gulf wildlife for their abhorrent greed, hoarding all of BP's oil in their gills, lungs and eyes.

Enjoy the next two days, whether they are they end of your week or not.

Follow along at Twitter.com/TheWeekinRebuke.

THURSDAY: Rand acts of blindness.

On the Rachel Maddow Show, Republican Kentucky Senate Candidate Rand Paul claimed that he would not have voted for the Civil Rights Act of 1964 in its present form, as he believes that it violates free speech. His specific issue is with Title II, as he thinks businesses should have a right to say whatever they want, like, "Hey black person, get out of my restaurant," or "Stop breathing Jewy."

Octomom Nadya Suleman joined with PETA to display a sign on her front door reading, "Don't Let Your Dog or Cat Become an Octomom. Always Spay or Neuter." Suleman told reporters that she has always been an avid supporter of doing anything for $5,000.

Gary Pierce, a utility regulator on the Arizona Corporation Commission, has suggested that they may respond to Los Angeles's boycott of his state, by renegotiating power agreements that currently send electricity to California. Pulling the plug on LA might not be so easy, though, as they cannot find someone willing to do the menial task without benefits.

A Moroccan native living in Kansas City, Missouri has pleaded guilty to providing over $23,000 to al Qaeda. In his defense, though, he believed he was helping a Nigerian prince who had been cheated out of millions.

And finally, actress Lindsay Lohan lost her passport in France, where she was promoting her role as a '70s porn actress, which prevented her from being in court in California to verify whether or not she has been attending alcohol counseling sessions as part of her probation for a 2007 drunk driving arrest. It's all part of her continued method acting background work for the unwritten movie, "Natural Disaster."

WEDNESDAY: Riding the fails.

After a 30-year career and a party switch, Sen. Arlen Specter (D-PA) was defeated in Pennsylvania's Democratic primary yesterday. This likely brings an end to his career, as well as his life-long dream of dying in office.

Campbell Brown is stepping down at CNN after reports surfaced that she was apparently anchoring a show on the network every night at 8pm.

A math teacher in Alabama was interviewed by the Secret Service after using the idea of shooting President Obama while presenting a geometry problem involving angles. The man explained that he got the idea after overhearing an English teacher invoke Millard Fillmore while presenting a metaphor involving failure. He has been placed on unpaid leave and may be fired if he does not concede to limit the subjects of his examples to fruit, trains and widgets.

Rep. Mark Souder (R-IN), who was elected back in 1994 on a "family values" platform, has resigned after revelations that he had an affair with a staffer. During a press conference in Fort Wayne he apologized for his actions and said that he wished his values were not so closely tied to the euro.

TUESDAY: Electile dysfunction.

In Arkansas, progressive Bill Halter is running to knock incumbent Blanche Lincoln out in the Democratic primary. Lincoln claims that she has fought hard and always voted to represent the interests of her constituents, who appear to be polls.

In Kentucky, Rand Paul is expected to handily beat secretary of state Trey Grayson for the GOP nomination. Paul, the upstart darling of the Tea Party, claims he is anxious to get to Washington to fight for his beliefs in abolishing the Federal Reserve and the Department of Education, and can't wait to watch establishment Republicans try to defend those beliefs.

And in the Pennsylvania Democratic primary, Rep. Joe Sestak is running neck-and-neck with former Republican now Obama loyalist, Sen. Arlen Specter. The race is expected to be incredibly close with many speculating that by the end of the day, Specter, who has served in the Senate since 1980, could end up running as an independent in Florida.

MONDAY: Trading stasis.

Iran has agreed to send most of its low-enriched uranium to Turkey in exchange for medium-enriched fuel rods to be used in a medical research reactor that produces isotopes for cancer treatment. Check it out as part of ABC's high-enriched new fall line-up, on "Nuke Swap! - When the going gets tough, the tough get sanctioned."

A group organizing at QuitFacebookDay.com is urging people to shut down their Facebook accounts on May 31st in response to its new privacy policy, which they argue is overly invasive. Facebook has threatened to respond to anyone trying to remove their page by shutting down their electricity, phone and water, which they legally gained access to after any user's first botched mission on Mafia Wars.

The Huffington Post reports that Michael Phelps was "Shirtless in Charlotte" over the weekend. The Olympic gold medal winner insists that it's still the most effective way to swim.

Sarah Palin appeared on Saturday with Arizona governor Jan Brewer to provide support for the state's tough new immigration law, claiming that it was President Obama's fault that the border was not secure in the first place. Obama was in favor of constructing a fence but bailed on the effort when he learned it was impossible to build one high enough to keep Palin from coming over from Alaska. At the rally the former vice presidential candidate claimed, "We're all Arizonans now," although she later clarified that you will still need legal documentation to prove it.

FRIDAY: A softball question.

The Wall Street Journal has run a 17 year-old photograph of Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan playing softball, which spurred CNN, MSNBC and Fox News to all ask the question, "Does that make her gay?" This, of course, raises another question, though, "If a bunch of pretty people put on nice clothes and go on cable, does that make it news?" 16" coed softball league representatives all over the city of Chicago have argued that playing the sport has no reflection whatsoever on one's sexuality, although they would not comment as to why they insisted on playing with no gloves and extra large balls.

Original estimates were that the BP oil spill was leaking around 5,000 barrels of crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico every day, although now that number has been approximated as high as 70,000 barrels per day. To put that in perspective, that's one Exxon Valdez every four days, or one supply run for a pool party with the entire cast of the Jersey Shore. BP attempted to lower a dome over the leak this week to contain the spill, a move developed by the same crack scientists who make clothes out of duct tape and bongs out of office supplies. When that failed, robots attempted to plug the leaking fluid with a tube and stopper, which coincidentally in the robot community is known as "a condom."

BP CEO Tony Hayward has said that the spill - now the largest in history - is "relatively tiny" compared to the "very big ocean," which when considering just how large the world is, makes Hayward a relatively huge douchebag. When Congress tried to get answers on Tuesday, BP, who leased and operated the rig, blamed Transocean, the owners of the rig, for having a faulty blowout protector. Transocean then blamed Halliburton, as they were contracted to provide construction materials and research at the well. Halliburton then pointed the finger right back at BP, saying they were just following orders from the well owner, while meanwhile the real culprit, Mother Nature, gets off scot-free after having put all of that water and dirt on top of the oil in the first place.

Senate Republicans are looking to re-spark the debate over health care reform with a campaign they are calling "Second Opinion," in which they will take to the Senate floor, press conferences, the Internet, television and radio, to highlight what they believe are the horrifying consequences of the bill. Not surprisingly, the effort sounds very similar to their first opinion.

The Louisiana House passed a bill that will allow congregants with permits to carry concealed firearms in church. Proponents say that Christianity teaches us to love our neighbors and to never kill, unless our neighbor gives us shit in which case we should blow his fucking brains out. They were originally considering just authorizing the use of stones to retaliate, although there were concerns over whether anyone would be able to cast the first one.

The New York Times announced that it will charge a fee for online content starting in January. This is great news for everyone who could not wait for their friends to stop reading the New York Times.

Have a weekend.

Follow along at Twitter.com/TheWeekinRebuke.

THURSDAY: Hawaii file-no.

A new law signed into effect by Hawaii's governor, Linda Lingle, allows state officials to ignore repeated requests for information if they deem them substantially similar to a previous request, a blow to the so-called "birthers" who demand to see President Obama's birth certificate. Hawaiian officials are relieved by the measure, as dealing with the requests was really cutting into the time they wanted to spend roasting things in fire pits and trying to crash the set of LOST.

As Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan continues make the rounds on Capitol Hill, Republican attack lines are beginning to emerge, such as the fact that during her time as dean of Harvard Law School she banned military recruiters because she disagreed with the controversial "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. During an interview this week Vice-President Joe Biden concurred with her position on the issue, although that may not help influence critics, as it came right on the heels of his endorsement of nap time. Others argue that Kagan is under-qualified, having never served as a judge at any level, although she has reminded them that before getting voted into office, not a single American president had any experience as a president. There is some speculation, though, that during a brief window in 1889, Teddy Roosevelt accidentally became the ruler of Mexico following a shoot-out over who rightfully owned a side of beef.

Arizona governor Jan Brewer has signed a new bill that bans elementary or secondary schools to teach classes that are "designed primarily for pupils of a particular ethnic group" or that promote "resentment toward a race or class of people." This comes as a disappointment to many white students who will miss history class.

WEDNESDAY: Meet and discrete.

Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan will meet with senators today, where following tradition she is expected to not give them substantive answers on any of her positions so as to avoid risking a blow-up in her confirmation hearings. In the event that someone sneezes, she has been advised to respond that, "God may or may not bless you but it's a personal matter." The New York Times reports that Kagan's nomination could become a hot button issue in the 2010 midterm elections. Many Republicans have expressed concern that considering his Supreme Court appointees, it appears that President Obama is a bit too chummy with lawyers.

Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX) has criticized the nomination, saying that she has spent her "entire professional career in Harvard Square, Hyde Park and the DC Beltway," which are "not places where one learns how ordinary people live." Cornyn, is a Washington resident himself, although he has spent the entire rest of his life living in Texas, a place where they celebrate just how ordinary they are by threatening to break off as their own country and executing as many abnormal people as possible. Maybe Cornyn is sore that he didn't get a Supreme Court nomination himself from fellow red-blooded, gun-lovin' Texan, George W. Bush in 2005. Or, maybe he has been to Harvard Square and Hyde Park and was intimidated by all the things he saw that were public, like transportation and discourse.

President Obama has been reaching out to more moderate Republicans, to try and shore up their support for Kagan. He made a point to contact Scott Brown (R-MA), Olympia Snowe (R-ME), Susan Collins (R-ME), and a few others, who like those mentioned from Massachusetts and Maine, need to stay to the left or they'll fall in the ocean.

Former president Richard Nixon's grandson, Christopher Nixon Cox, is running for a House GOP seat in New York and recently said that, "Wherever we go people say that my grandfather was their favorite president." The true test of his campaign will be when he first leaves his house.

The GOP has announced that it's 2012 National Convention will be in Tampa, Florida, which is great news for John Boehner, who won't have to walk around looking like the only burn victim.

Afghan President Hamid Karzai continues meetings with President Obama in the White House, although the pool party was canceled when they all realized just how chilly things were.

Senators Joe Lieberman (I-CT) and John Kerry (D-MA) today will release their highly anticipated energy bill, The American Power Act. The two believe they're best suited to fight for all of the provisions in the bill, because when people think about power and energy, they always think of Joe Lieberman and John Kerry.

The unemployment crisis continues to impact Americans severely, according to the latest update from the Huffington Post's Real Misery Index. The US Misery Index, created by an economist in the 60s is the unemployment rate added to the inflation rate, which currently measures 12.01. But the Huffington Post's REAL Misery Index, weighs in at a juicy 33.1 by adding in percent changes in credit card delinquencies, housing prices, food stamp participation, and home equity loan deficiencies, and by not just using one inflation rate, but three, charting increases in food and beverage costs, gas and medical expenses. Today we would like to introduce The Week in Rebuke SUPER REAL Misery Index, which also factors in job discontent, family issues, anger over recent sports losses, minor OCD tendencies, itching, coughing, miscommunication and a basic discomfort with most people, places and situations, which all adds up to a perfect score of 100, demonstrating just how miserable we can all be if really go digging for it.

TUESDAY: Divide and launder.

The Obama administration is proposing to split up the Department of the Interior agency that oversees offshore drilling, the Minerals Management Service, to better deal with what now appear to be pressing and recurring issues following the BP oil spill. After the split one agency would be responsible for inspecting oil rigs and enforcing safety regulations, while the other would be responsible for cleaning out bird lungs and apologizing.

Black Eyed Peas star Will.i.am paid off the mortgages of two families facing foreclosure, yesterday on the Oprah Winfrey show. At first the recipients didn't know if the whole thing was real, since he appeared to them in the studio via CNN hologram.

The June edition of Playboy will come with 3-D glasses, which is exciting news for all of those readers who enjoy the magazine, but just wish that the women looked a little more real.

MONDAY: Kagan rituals.

President Obama has selected Elena Kagan to replace Justice John Paul Stevens on the Supreme Court. If confirmed, it would mark the first time in history that the court has three female justices, as most presidents have felt that the work of Lady Justice would be better off in the hands of a bunch of dudes. In fact, for decades now Leisure magazine has ranked the court as the best place to find "old guys in robes," usually edging out the Boca Raton Men's Social Club, Tucson, and the congressional gym locker room between 2am and 4am.

CNN beat out Fox News all throughout last week, which comes as a surprise even to many executives at the network. Officials from the cable news outlet said they will look into what changes may have led to the success, although they will have to go back and review what they missed since they usually watch MSNBC.

A man was arrested at the airport last night in Karachi, Pakistan for attempting to fly with shoes that had circuits and AAA batteries in them. The man claimed that he had no clue the electronics were inside, and that he had bought them off the street, simply because he liked how they made a warm buzzing sound and emitted tiny puffs of smoke. The shoes are designed to massage your feet as you wear them, which could be a nice way to relax when you get detained trying to go anywhere.

An analysis of 2000-2008 census data by the Brookings Institution shows that whites are now leaving the suburbs in record numbers and heading to the city to live. Apparently they have increasing fears about living near high concentrations of meth, MILFs and former professional athletes. Many have reported that a move to the city also means they have no obligation to know anyone around them, water anything or give out candy to children on Halloween.

FRIDAY: Lady in waiting.

Mike Allen is reporting that President Obama will select Elena Kagan to fill the Supreme Court vacancy left by the departure of Justice John Paul Stevens. Kagan would bring a wealth of experience to the position, especially considering her current job as Solicitor General where she has...generally, done...a lot of...soliciting. A number of female senators have been quoted as saying they would welcome another female justice on the bench, especially Kagan who could help bridge the divide between the Jewish Ruth Ginsberg and the much younger Sonia Sotomayor. As of late the two can often be seen working to win each other over; Sotommayor has tried to get Ginsberg to understand how texting works, and Ginsberg has tried to convince Sotomayor how great blow jobs are.

RHETORICAL QUESTION FOR THE WEEKEND:
Who got screwed harder in Europe, Greece or George Alan Rekers?

Arizona is ending a program that put speed cameras in vehicles along the highway, over fears that it could lead to wider and more invasive surveillance. There was also some concern that given the way they scanned the road, the cameras had a tendency to completely overlook the violations of any car that was painted white.

After comparing genetic material gathered from human and Neanderthal bones, researchers have concluded that the two likely mated. This is exciting news for the scientists who could previously only prove that early humans had mated with other early humans, leaf clumps, river banks, tree stumps, animal carcasses, contoured rock formations, stick bundles, and this chick Rita that just always seemed to be around.

Enjoy the next two days until new things appear here.

Follow along at Twitter.com/TheWeekinRebuke.

THURSDAY: Another maverick enters the arena.

Samuel "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher, who just won a seat on his Ohio county's Republican committee, claims that he ran for public office to "weed out the liars, cheaters and thieves." For the moment the gypsies and tramps appear to be getting an unexpected free pass. When asked about whether he will run for higher office in a few years, he claimed that he will have to consult God then. God is in turn expected to consult Rasmussen. "I pray that he doesn't want me to run for office," Wurzelbacher said in an interview, and with any luck, his prayers will be answered.

At a Brazilian bishops conference, Archibishop Dadeus Grings commented to the O Globo newspaper that people are "spontaneously homosexual." Others agreed with him noting that gay outbursts are common without explanation during college, compelling musical theater productions and sweeps week.

Newly minted independent Senate candidate Charlie Crist is being solicited for refunds by Republicans donors, who feel he no longer represents their core principles. Their concern is that by removing the "R" next to his name, that he has also taken the "R" out of ROI.

Yesterday during a Cinco De Mayo celebration, President Obama said that he wants to take up immigration reform this year. Congress has responded that they too would like to take up the issue, as soon as someone explains to them how it won't ruin their careers.

WEDNESDAY: Stand up for someone else, lose your chair.

Following the attempted Times Square bombing by an American of Pakistani descent, Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT) plans to introduce a bill that would allow the government to strip the citizenship of any American who is involved with a foreign terror organization. Many of his colleagues agree that if you undermine the people that you should be showing allegiance to, by threatening them and undermining their interests and security, that you should absolutely be stripped of any of the power, rights or privileges you were afforded as a result of your perceived commitment.

A 1932 Pablo Picasso painting, "Nude, Green Leaves and Bust," sold at Christie's auction house on Tuesday evening at the paradigm-shifting price of $1^7@.time million-ion-ion-ion, to a telephone bidder who did not identify himself, although the crowd absorbed his intention.

The Tucson and Flagstaff city councils voted yesterday to sue Arizona over its tough new immigration law, citing concerns about the cost of enforcing it and the impact on the tourism industry. Other cities are following their lead as Sacramento and Oakland are suing California over its budget crisis, Providence and Warwick are suing Rhode Island over being little, and New Orleans plans on suing Louisiana and God, after discovering that BP has far better lawyers than either.

A smoking suitcase was removed by baggage handlers at George Bush Intercontinental Airport in Houston yesterday. The suitcase claimed that it did not know smoking was prohibited since it cannot read or hear any of the warnings down in the cargo hold.

TUESDAY: Conn. air.

A Pakistani man attempting to leave New York on a flight to Dubai has been arrested in connection with the attempted car bombing in Times Square over the weekend. Faisal Shahzad had purchased the car recently near his Connecticut address, where neighbors say he was quiet, polite and only periodically discussed "the holy fire-rain of jihad storming upon their houses and slaughtering the unjust." Officials were originally hoping to speak to a man who was videotaped throwing away his shirt near the deadly Nissan Pathfinder, although it now appears that he was simply just another New York shedding his clothes.

The Pentagon announced on Monday that it has a stockpile of 5,113 nuclear weapons, in an effort to increase transparency and improve its bargaining position against the prospect of a nuclear Iran. The number represents a 75% reduction since 1989, a year in which most government buildings, churches and elementary school cafeterias were stocked with warheads.

The Florida GOP has placed the portrait of governor and former party member, Charlie Crist on eBay. They are hoping to use the profit from the sale to help clean the oil stain off the wall.

MONDAY: Extra credit.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said today that the US has not ruled out foreign terrorists being behind the failed attempt at detonating a car bomb in the middle of New York's Times Square on Saturday. The Pakistani Taliban has claimed credit for the attack, which the US has ruled out as a possibility, given their lack of the global infrastructure to carry out such an operation. Napolitano also said that they lost credibility when they claimed responsibility for the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, which they said was retribution against the infidel mollusk community.

United and Continental Airlines have agreed to a $3 billion stock swap that will create the world's largest clusterfuck, officials confirmed on Sunday. Passengers can expect longer lines, bigger fees, increased delays and a huge spike in doucebaggery from all employees.

The White House Correspondents' Association Dinner on Saturday night featured President Obama in fine comedic form, followed by a far less exciting performance from NBC funnyman, Jay Leno. But real comedy aficiandos have their eyes on New York today, where the one-two punch of Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will attempt to fire up the nuclear nonproliferation crowd. Noticing the trouble Leno had following the charismatic Obama, Clinton opined Sunday that she secretly hoped Ahmadinejad "bombed," but you know, not really because that would be horrible.