WEDNESDAY: Engulfed.

Hurricane Alex is moving westward on a collision course with southern Texas, the first June hurricane in the Atlantic since 1995. It's all part of Mother Nature's ongoing, "Fuck The Gulf" campaign, which she has been running vigorously since August, 2005. Future plans include, snapping off Florida and sending it over to Africa, a sea monster attack on Alabama and Georgia, and a Rolling Stones-inspired tsunami that will rage through the BP oil spill clean up effort and consequently paint the entire country black. Conservative Christian pundits do see some positive trending in recent events, though, as Hurricane Alex is expected to predominantly make landfall in Mexico.

House Democrats are making a push this week to collect dues from members for the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, in advance of what is expected to be a difficult fall election period. Additionally, Barney Frank (D-NY) will be holding a bake sale to raise funds, Steny Hoyer (D-MD) will be hosting a car wash in Northern Virgina and Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) plans to jump members as they head home after work and rough them up something awful if they don't cough up what they owe.

The late night king of queries, Larry King, has decided to step down as the host of his own show after 25 years. King is hoping to move away from the desk, where he can continue to grow and so that his shoulders can finally descend.

BREAKING NEWS: Girl with large breasts suddenly very important to Internet news outlets.

TUESDAY: Flipping the Byrd.

Senator Robert Byrd died yesterday of old-timey causes. His passing disrupts the delicate balance of power in the Senate, and now means that the next few weeks will have to be devoted to getting "that old guy smell" out of the chamber. Many of Byrd's colleagues took to the floor to speak about him during the session yesterday, including Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) who claimed that this is just another example of the weakness of Democratic leadership.

Supreme Court confirmation hearings continue for Elena Kagan today, as a divide emerges between GOP elected officials and their conservative base. The latter is hoping that representatives will put up a fight and filibuster the nominee, but Republican Senators have already made it clear that they really don't want to miss any episodes during ABC's summer season.

Over the weekend Vice President Biden was caught on camera calling the store manager of a frozen custard shop in Wisconsin a "smartass." In his defense, though, the man was being a huge fucking douche bag.

BREAKING NEWS: Twilight's Kristen Stewart slowly looks to be getting sleepier and sleepier.

MONDAY: Making them count.

CIA Director Leon Panetta estimated on Sunday that there may be less than 50 al-Qaida fighters in Afghanistan, compared to the 98,000 U.S. troops that will be in the country by fall. U.S. forces under new leadership from General David Petraeus will consider shifting focus to Pakistan, where most of the terrorist network is operating, although they are not sure they can rustle up the 45,000,000 soldiers they think they’ll need to get anything done. While U.S. casualties have been surging in recent months, military officials assert that with the number of troops in the region, the tally of fallen soldiers becomes a lower percentage than if there was a more reasonably-sized group fighting the war. Embedded reporters from Spin, Maxim and Seventeen are expected to have more quotes from inside personnel soon.

Germany defeated England 4-1 to advance to the next round of the World Cup. Many could have predicted the result based on stereotypes, with Germany’s reputation as ruthlessly efficient and England’s as being petrified by conflict.

6-year-old Alyssa Thomas from Ohio has popped up on the TSA’s terror watch list, as her family discovered when they attempted to fly recently. The 1st grader claims she has no clue why she would be on the list, although her parents refuse to answer questions about the fits she threw repeatedly on airplanes as a baby.

Gay Pride celebrations were held all over the country on Sunday, with parades, concerts and rallies. 51 consecutive weekends of Straight Pride start back up on Saturday.

FRIDAY: Deal and no deal.

House and Senate negotiators have finally come to an agreement as to how to merge the House and Senate financial reform bills. Consumers will be pleased to learn that some new restrictions will be in place on banks and how they can use investors' money, and Wall Street will be pleased to learn that consumers can't understand all the ways the banks can still screw them over.

World leaders gather in Canada this weekend for the G-8 and G-20 Summits. Organizers proposed combining the two to create a G-28 Summit, although mathematicians insisted that it would technically become the 2G-28 Summit.

And in news news, BP is sending PR professionals to the Gulf Coast states to pretend to be journalists, a move that will surely rile the folks at Fox News who have been pretending to be journalists since 1996.

Enjoy your week ending.

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THURSDAY: The seven year switch.

President Obama has replaced Afghanistan commander Gen. Stanley McChrystal, after he made critical comments about the war in Rolling Stone Magazine. The rights to the interview almost went to Maxim Magazine, although McChrystal was not willing to accept their request to take his shirt off for photographs. Iraq War architect Gen. David Petraeus will take over the effort in Afghanistan, a move that has earned praise from both sides of the aisle, as well as in the aisle itself, where Sen. John McCain can often be found napping in between comments.

Vice President Biden was on hand for the president's announcement, although there is no word on how big of a deal he thinks this situation is.

WEDNESDAY: Swinging into November.

In South Carolina, Nikki Haley has won a run-off in the Republican gubernatorial primary, after fending off accusations of infidelity. She said she is looking forward to the general election although the idea of committing to just one challenger is not nearly as exciting. Campaign officials deny the charge that she is looking to run for other offices before November.

TUESDAY: Getting called to the presidents office.

General Stanley McChrystal, the top U.S. commander in Afghanistan, has been called to the White House after giving an interview to Rolling Stone in which he criticized President Obama and his administration. The president may look to remove the general, although he has concerns about doing anything to raise the unemployment rate. If he did, though, he would look to appoint someone who has a more positive outlook about Afghanistan, perhaps someone from the Pakistani Taliban. Conservative critics argue that McChrystal should be kept around as he was simply speaking truth to powerless.

MONDAY: A sorry state of affairs.

On the Sunday morning news talk shows, Rep. Joe Barton (R-TX) was the talk of the town, having apologized to BP for the way the government was treating them, and then having to apologize for his apology. He just needs one more expression of regret to earn a free steak dinner at the GOP clubhouse cafeteria. Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel criticized Barton, saying that this is how the Republicans would govern if they were in power. He then laid out exactly how the Democrats would run the country, if they ever gain control of Congress in the future.

Even Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) had to distance himself from Barton's remarks, saying, "BP needs to take responsibility for its actions, so it can get back to offering the world smart, affordable energy solutions to effectively meet the needs of the modern world." He then added, "Wind turbines look stupid."

In World Cup action this morning, Portugal scored seven times to earn a lopsided victory over North Korea. The actors hired to play North Korean fans looked convincingly disappointed.

AT&T and Apple users report receiving emails canceling their pre-orders for the new iPhone 4, set to be released this week. As consolation, those customers will be allowed to wait around anxiously until enough devices come in from the factory, and then purchase them at the exact same price.

FRIDAY: Energy for the fight.

BP CEO Tony Hayward spent the day yesterday getting barraged with questions from the House Energy and Commerce subcommittee. Hayward managed to cap the flow of information with surprising efficiency.

Liberal Democrats in the Senate are threatening to vote against energy legislation if it does not do anything to address global climate change. Authors of the bill argue that it does, calling climate change, "bad?" and demanding that "awkward conversations be had with skeptical relatives." After compromising on health care reform and financial regulation, the more left-leaning legislators feel like they have given up enough. They insist that carbon should be made illegal entirely, with the possible exception of the 18% making up the human body.

According to the Office of Management and Budget, around $182 million in payments have been sent to dead people over the last three years. President Obama is instructing the Treasury Department to establish a "Do Not Pay" database so that money can be saved, and used to bring financial institutions back to life.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told an Ecuadorian television station that the Department of Justice will be filing a suit against Arizona's tough new immigration law. The White House is not denying the claim, which Sec. Clinton made as part of her "I Don't Give a Shit About Confidentiality" Tour through South America.

Enjoy weekending.

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THURSDAY: A gaffe of small proportions.

Following a four hour meeting with President Obama, BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg disputed the claim that BP doesn't care about gulf residents. He argued that they care so much that they were willing to give them millions of barrels of oil for free. Svanberg's word choice is drawing criticism, though, for saying that BP cares about "small people." It makes sense that they would, though, as smaller people often drive bigger cars and use more gasoline. To be fair to the chairman, English is his second language. He later released a statement to clarify, saying that BP cares about "insignificant people."

Game 7 of the NBA Finals is tonight. You can flip over from baseball and watch the entire game in between batters.

WEDNESDAY: Tough pills to swallow.

Johnson and Johnson has expanded a recall on Benadryl and Extra Strength Tylenol due to reports of a moldy smell that can cause nausea and sickness. The pharmaceutical company reports that customers who have experienced the issue should stop taking their products around old people.

French officials announced that the country will raise the retirement age from 60 to 62 as they attempt to wipe out the country's growing deficit. They are also expected to extend the work day from 2 hours all the way up to 4.

A judge in California has ruled that Dr. Conrad Murray, the man charged with involuntary manslaughter in the death of Michael Jackson, can keep his license. This is considered a huge victory for Murray, since he runs his medical practice out of his car.

TUESDAY: Executive disorder.

Top executives from a number of oil companies will be on Capitol Hill today to testify for the House Energy and Commerce Committee. They potentially face a number of new regulations, which in light of the BP spill in the Gulf of Mexico, they intend to strictly obey, before completely ignoring them. President Obama will address the nation tonight regarding the ecological disaster, and is expected to spend about 20 minutes elaborately going through the details surrounding the spill, in order to demonstrate that he had nothing to do with it. Officials have also released that he will discuss America's need to become less dependent on fossil fuels, which comes as good news for the Sun, who over the last two years has spent tens of millions of dollars on lobbyists.

A California man wielding a pistol, a 40-inch sword, a dagger and night-vision goggles has been detained in northern Pakistan, telling investigators that he was on a solo mission to kill Osama bin Laden. The man, a 52 year-old construction worker named Gary Brooks Faulkner , got the idea after purchasing all of his gear at a local church bazaar. This marks the first time since 2001 that the U.S. has captured anyone in the region.

Finally, Tiger Woods blah blah blah "porn queen" blah blah love child blah blah, click here for pictures.

MONDAY: Buried.

According to government officials, the U.S. has discovered $1 trillion worth of untapped mineral deposits in Afghanistan. They found veins of iron, copper, cobalt, gold and lithium while searching all over for a way out of the country. The U.S. was also surprised to unearth an abundance of old tanks and colorful uniforms, having forgotten that the British Empire had been buried there.

A 20 year-old Arizona man was arrested for trying to trade an iPod and marijuana for an iPad, advertising his proposition on Craig's List. The man is being held in custody after the police denied his attempt to pay for bail with some Jackie Chan DVDs, twenty-five quaaludes and his pants.

The FAA is considering banning peanuts on commercial flights due to the concern of millions of Americans who are severely allergic to small portions.

Jimmy Dean has died at the age of 81. No word yet on when he will be spiced, stuffed and encased.

FRIDAY: Taking a bath.

BP claims to successfully be capturing 15,800 barrels of oil every day, although U.S. officials claim that upwards of 25,000 barrels are still leaking into the ocean. BP executives claim that they would go ahead and capture all of the oil, but they don't want to come off as greedy. As the oil continues to gush into the Gulf of Mexico, scientists are doing everything they can to combat the impact on wildlife. BP is arguing that all of the crude is actually good for the environment, though, and that the fish and birds should seriously consider selling the oil back to them, as soon as it is removed from their gills and lungs.

The White House announced that President Obama will meet with BP executives next week, where he is expected to use stern language to express his discontent with the situation. Beyond that he has no authority to make them do anything, though, since they are British. The new government in England has been relatively quiet in regard to the ecological disaster, reserving it as an excuse for why they "let" the US soccer team beat England on Saturday, were such an outcome to occur.

The World Cup kicked off this morning in South Africa. Teams from all over the world will compete in what most Americans agree can be best described as, "soccer."

Enjoy weekending.

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THURSDAY: A burning passion for the game.

The Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup last night, defeating the Philadelphia Flyers 4-3 in overtime of game 6. Philadelphia fans followed up the loss by continuing to wallow in their existences. UPDATE: Philadelphia is on fire. LATEST UPDATE: Philadelphia fans are pissed off about the fire and have resorted to throwing batteries at it and blaming Donovon McNabb.

With the Gulf oil spill containment effort still faltering and thousands of claims to be paid out to residents and workers effected by the disaster, BP's market value continued to crash and is now being valued at less than their assets. The company is considering shifting its business model away from energy, though, to possibly become the world's largest supplier of lubricated birds.

Just off a primary win in California's Republican senate primary, Carly Fiorina was caught on a live microphone criticizing Sen. Barbara Boxer's (D-CA) haircut, calling it, "So yesterday!" Fiorina's stylist has defended the candidate's comments, saying that what's very "in" today is looking like a 13 year-old boy and talking shit to anyone who will listen.

WEDNESDAY: Primaries covered.

Millions of Americans went to the polls yesterday to cast their ballots in a slew of important primary races. A few thousand people also voted in far less significant Starbucks Via challenges.

In Arkansas, Sen. Blanche Lincoln beat out Bill Halter in the Democratic primary with support from presidents Bill Clinton and Barack Obama. Clinton stumped for the embattled senator, while Obama used robo-calls to, like Lincoln, phone-in his connection to the citizens of Arkansas. Progressive voters had attacked Lincoln for her moderate stances, moderates had attacked her for her progressive stances, and those without any conviction at all oddly felt a deep kinship with the senator.

Nevada gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley, who has had to fight off two separate charges of infidelity, ran up a large margin between her and all other competitors in the Republican primary. Since she did not get 50% of the vote, though, she will compete in a run-off against just one other candidate, which Haley has said will be, "a hard challenge," and that she is "committed to just going after him in spite of the strong and sudden urges to still pounce on other candidates."

Sen. Majority Leader Harry Reid caught a break in Nevada, as Tea Party extremist Sharron Angle, beat out the GOP establishment candidate, Sue Lowden in the Republican primary. Lowden shot herself in the foot after insisting that the bartering of chickens could be a viable way to pay for medical care, while Angle avoided any miscues by fervently supporting everyone else's right to shoot whatever or whoever they wanted.

And in her primary battle against herself, Lindsay Lohan has reportedly defeated sobriety and will now face off against jail time for violation of her parole. She is expected to lose either way.

TUESDAY: Snagging a hit.

BP is reporting that they may not be able to stop the flow of oil into the Gulf of Mexico until August, but they have been able to increase the amount of oil they are capturing. This is good news for all of the Louisiana fisherman who were losing sleep over whether or not BP would be able to turn any profit off of the massive leak. President Obama, in a fit of populist rage over the incident, told NBC News that he wants to know "whose ass to kick." He followed up his comments by launching an exploratory committee, to research the effects of ass-kicking, which should release its findings sometime next year.

An administrator at a New Jersey high school says that Mohamed Mahmood Alessa, one of two men arrested at JFK airport trying to fly to Somalia for terrorist training, was considered so dangerous as a student that he was taught outside of the classroom with a security guard present. The school felt he was a danger to the other students, who were trying to learn inside the classroom with security guards present.

Steve Jobs showed off Apple's new iPhone 4 yesterday, setting the tech world ablaze as critics analyzed the changes from previous models. iPhone 4 is far thinner and lighter, part of the designers' attempt to make the phone as much like Jobs himself as possible.

MONDAY: Length matters.

Today marks the 104th month of US military engagement in Afghanistan, making it the longest war in our nation's history. Originally the US just wanted to stay until they figured out how polar bears got there and why there was a monster made out of smoke, but now feels reluctantly obligated to stay through the end.

Following her comments that "Jews should get the hell out of Palestine," White House press corps fixture, Helen Thomas, has been dropped by her speaking agency. Thomas was surprised to discover that her comments offended others in the media, or, Jews.

Rush Limbaugh married his fourth wife over the weekend, Kathryn Rogers, in Palm Beach, Florida. The two met six years ago when Limbaugh was in the process of divorcing his third wife, and Rogers was working on a campaign to save whales.

With sanctions on the way, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said that we should "fully expect Iran to pull some stunt in the next
couple of days." It is of course possible she could be referring to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's "Jammin' Jihad Jump," where he plans to launch himself over 50 clerics on a motorcycle and land in a pool of virgins who have not been allowed to attend school.

FRIDAY: There is an eye in oil.

As efforts continue in the Gulf of Mexico to clean up the BP oil spill gushing thousands of gallons of crude into the water every day, experts are now bracing for the additional complication of hurricane season. When a storm hits the region it could whip all of the oil up and spit it miles onto the coast in what is known as a "Texas Tornado" or "Chocolate Rain." Environmentalists continue to try and clean as much of the Gulf wildlife as possible although many of the animals have turned down their services, hoping to keep the oil and head to Beverly Hills to engage in a series of hijinks and misunderstandings. Experts assume that the fish will not last very long out of water.

The Los Angeles Lakers defeated the Boston Celtics last night in Game 1 of the NBA Finals. The 102-89 victory was spurred on by an enthusiastic LA crowd, which included fans, the cast of the upcoming film "Grown Ups" and a court-side animatronic Jack Nicholson.

Two men were subdued by Secret Service officers yesterday, when they refused to get out of the way of the president's motorcade, returning to the White House after a school event for one of his daughters. The two men later said that all they wanted to do was cross the street and were under the impression that obstruction was the only way to get anything done in Washington.

Until Monday, continue to be.

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THURSDAY: Coming together of the left and the white.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer is set to meet with President Obama today to discuss immigration reform, border security and a controversial law in her state that will require police enforcing any other law to examine immigration status if there is reasonable suspicion a person is in the country illegally. For Obama it is a chance to lay out a measured response to the state's bold legislation, and for Brewer, it is a chance to spend more than five minutes in a room with a minority.

South Carolina gubernatorial hopeful Nikki Haley has been accused of a second affair, a one-night stand in 2008 with Larry Marchant, who until yesterday worked for, Andre Bauer, the current lieutenant governor and her challenger in the Republican primary. Haley has already denied accusations of a dalliance with conservative blogger Will Folks, and it is expected that once all the information comes to light that this string of infidelity will somehow lead back to Tiger Woods, or perhaps, through a couple more twists, to Kevin Bacon.

Workers at Taiwan's Foxconn Technology Group will get a 30% raise to try and improve morale and reduce the need for excessive overtime, following a rash of suicides in the last year. The company, which produces iPhones and iPads, regrets having made an app for that.

Former President George W. Bush insists that going to war in Iraq was "the right thing to do," and that if he had to do it all over again, he still would waterboard 9/11 mastermind, Khalid Sheik Mohammed. Bush made the comments to a group of shrubbery as he wandered around his backyard.

Also, thousands of gallons of oil are slowly making their way to your house.

WEDNESDAY: Playing down the law.

The Department of Justice is launching a criminal investigation into the BP spill that has pumped tens of thousands of gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico. BP officials are confident that Attorney General Eric Holder will prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that the United States is 100% responsible.

Al and Tipper Gore are separating. The two have been married for 40 years although they could not reconcile their differences over Al's love of graphic language and Tipper's addiction to tire-burning.

Larry King interviewed Lady Gaga last night, who in her continued attempt to express herself through outlandish fashion choices, decided to dress exactly like Larry King. They both exclusively spoke in questions and by the end it was unclear just exactly why any of us are here at all.

A number of primary elections were held all over the country yesterday, which you might be aware if you accidentally voted in one of them.

TUESDAY: The calm during the storm.

President Obama called off a speech at an Elwood, IL cemetery yesterday as torrential rain and lightening poured down on the area. The thousands in attendance were disappointed by the cancellation, prompting Obama to fervently deny that he was responsible for the weather. A statement out of the White House this morning, though, claims that the president is accepting blame for the thunderstorm, and wants people to know that whenever there is bad weather he will be doing everything in his power to contain it.

It is believed that Al-Qaeda #3, Mustafa Abu al-Yazid has been killed in a US Predator drone strike, which if true would be a huge blow to the terrorist organization. Al-Yazid had previously been reported dead in 2008, but without much else to report, officials felt it was a good time to grab some credit for it again. In other news, all ranking Al-Qaeda officials have now moved up to #3.

And in sports, the Chicago Blackhawks took a 2-0 lead in the Stanley Cup Finals against the Philadelphia Flyers. Fans all over the country have tuned in to the hockey playoffs, to try and figure out what that one guy in the office keeps yelling about and insisting everyone pay attention to.