Thursday, September 30, 2010

THURSDAY: Maid to look like a jerk.

A former housekeeper for California Republican candidate for governor, Meg Whitman, came forward to claim she was abused and fired for political reasons once her boss entered the election. The housekeeper, Nicky Diaz, claims that she has no political motivation in breaking this story, although she did point out that it was nice, for once, to be the one making the huge mess that someone else had to clean up.

McDonald's has warned federal officials that they may end health care benefits for 30,000 workers. The fast food chain expressed serious concern over the cost of premiums after learning that, despite knowing how the food was made, their employees were still eating it.

Sarah Palin has been issued a restraining order against an alleged stalker. There has been no comment yet from Mr. Beck's representatives.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

WEDNESDAY: Off by a few degrees.

An official from Claremont Graduate University is the most recent representative from an educational institution to claim that Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell is not on record at his school, despite her listing it on her resume. O'Donnell's camp asserts that she did enroll, she just refused to take classes when she realized how many of them were based on facts rooted in reality. O'Donnell received her undergraduate degree from Farleigh Dickinson University earlier this month as a reward from the RNC for going on Sean Hannity.

According to 3rd quarter ratings, 13 of the top 15 rated news shows are on Fox News, making 2 out of the top 15 rated news shows, news.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

TUESDAY: Learn notice.

President Obama is calling for states to extend the school year to match the number of education days of many countries in Asia and Europe. Conservatives are critical of the proposal, saying that the president just wants the kids to use the extra time for socializing.

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel is expected to resign on Friday. Most people expect that he will then begin a run for mayor in Chicago, while some expect him to simply take the position by force.

Monday, September 27, 2010

MONDAY: Poll vault.

Democrats got good news from recent poll numbers across the country signaling improving performance by candidates in Ohio, California, Nevada and elsewhere. The DNC is hoping this means that everyone can just get back to slacking off.

Friday, September 24, 2010

FRIDAY: Spoiler inert.

The U.S. delegation at the United Nations walked out on Thursday during a speech by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, when the Iranian leader said that some people in the world believe that the U.S. staged 9/11 against itself in an attempt to bolster support for Israel. They had already considered leaving earlier in the speech when Ahmadinejad insisted on discussing the final season of "LOST," even though not everyone in the room was caught up yet. By the end of Ahmadinejad's barrage of theories he accidentally got his own show on Fox News.

Netflix has issued an apology following an incident in which they hired actors to portray everyday citizens, excited about the company's foray into Canada with their subscription service for streaming video. Reporters grew suspicious at the event in Toronto when attendees only wanted to discuss how wonderful it was that Blockbuster had filed for bankruptcy.

Senate Democrats said on Thursday that Republicans were now filibustering 17 lower court judicial nominees, a move the GOP admitted was just to "fuck around and have some fun before recess."

You are now free to begin your weekend activities.

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Thursday, September 23, 2010

THURSDAY: Pledging their bets.

Today, House Republicans released a blueprint they intend will show voters how they plan to legislate following the upcoming midterms called, "A Pledge to America." In it they vow to repeal health care reform, permanently extend the Bush-era tax cuts and pay for it all by cashing in their wishes and dreams at the Trickle Down Bank of Magical Financial Models.

On the six-month anniversary of President Obama signing health care reform into law, a number of key provisions become active, including a ban on insurance companies denying coverage to children due to preexisting conditions. So far, all indicators show that the tens of thousands of children who will benefit from the measure completely do not give a shit.

Blockbuster Video filed for bankruptcy today, a victim of the sea change in how consumers access media. They are expected to be represented in court by Sam Goody, Esq. The company plans to keep their 3,000 stores open for the time being so that parents have a place to take their children when trying to explain to them what a VCR was.

Tiger Woods' caddie, Steve Williams, and two others have been bumped from the U.S. Ryder Cup team's chartered flight due to a lack of space. Williams said he is fine with traveling separately because it means he can finally stop carrying Tiger's baggage.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

WEDNESDAY: End of the Summers.

The White House has confirmed that Larry Summers, Director of the National Economic Council, will leave his position to return to teaching at Harvard at the end of the year. President Obama said he supports the decision and that it will be difficult to find someone who was so willing to clash with his colleagues and distrust the math aptitude of women. Still mired in a struggle to bring the nation's economy back to life, the president was also curious whether or not Harvard is looking for a law professor.

The Senate voted to block debate on the National Defense Authorization Act, which includes a provision repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell. For Republicans it came down to a simple choice, whether to tell Democrats to "eat shit" or "go fuck themselves." Just weeks before the midterm elections, the vote proved too risky for even a couple of Democrats, including Blanche Lincoln (D-AR). Trailing her opponent by 25 points in the polls, her "no" vote is part of her effort to show voters that even in the face of crushing, certain defeat, that she is willing to abandon any shred of her morals to try to keep her job.

On Sean Hannity's show last night Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell (R) claimed that the media is trying to "paint [her] as an extremist." The media has responded that her quotes are doing a fine job of that on their own.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

TUESDAY: Idling hard for the money.

A House leadership aide has denied a report from Politico stating that they might adjourn this week without a vote on President Obama's tax plan or a continuing resolution to fund the government until after the elections. Americans will be relieved to know that their elected officials will not be heading home to avoid working, and instead will stay in Washington to get nothing done there instead.

The California Beer and Beverage Distributors is spending money to oppose the state's Proposition 19, which would legalize the sale and use of marijuana, as they deem recreational drugs as a threat to their business. The cable television and snacks lobbies are expect to aggressively come out in support of legalization any time now.

Monday, September 20, 2010

MONDAY: Stefani would be easier.

Lady Gaga will head to Maine today to participate in a rally encouraging the state's senators to vote for a repeal of the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Organizers were excited to hear she would be attending, but remain nervous about what exactly to call her in person, as "Lady" seems pretty rude, and "Gaga" seems pretty weird.

Republican Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell canceled her morning show appearances on Sunday over new fears that they would ask her questions she has not yet been given answers for. Instead, the newly minted first lady of the Delaware tea party, spent the day worshiping God, thanking Him for giving voters an affinity for cute, younger women.

Comments have surfaced by O'Donnell, explaining that when she was in high school she "dabbled into witchcraft." She has responded to the old comments by saying that it was not that big a deal, and that especially in politics, everyone makes sacrifices.

Friday, September 17, 2010

FRIDAY: Extra value spiel.

The Values Voters Summit begins today in Washington DC, featuring such conservative bigwigs as Bill Bennett, Mitt Romney and Sean Hannity. The event is an opportunity for some of America's most prominent moralists to get together and agree on just how much they should hate everybody else.

President Obama has a light public schedule today, including his daily briefing and an announcement to the press that should include his appointment of Elizabeth Warren as a special adviser for financial consumer protections. Vice President Biden also has a light schedule that includes, chilling it out, yakking it up and good times.

Delaware Republican Senate nominee Christine O'Donnell participated in the first debate between her and Democratic candidate Chris Coons last night, claiming that while she did in fact make numerous statements in the past advocating celibacy and denouncing masturbation and condoms, that her "faith has matured." Now, more grown up, O'Donnell has been urged by God to not make public statements on any issue.

Enjoy beginning your weekend.

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Thursday, September 16, 2010

THURSDAY: Setting her own price.

California's Republican candidate for governor, Meg Whitman, has now spent more of her own money on the campaign than any other politician in history. For the $119 million she has contributed she currently has a 2 point lead in the polls, as voters are starting to believe Whitman might simply be able to pay off the state's budget deficit on her own. Whitman, the former CEO of eBay, is still inquiring whether she has to increase support for her bid slowly over time or if the election has a "Buy It Now" feature.

Following Tuesday's primaries, the playing field is now set for all of the midterm election races, leading Republican strategists to figure out the best way to take back control of the Senate and/or the House. This marks a drastic shift in the GOP's battle plan which up until now has required them to do everything possible to not get anything done. While the RNC recognizes how tough it will be to accomplish their goals in November, they are at least confident that the Democrats will do nothing to stand in their way.

An official from Craigslist told the House Judiciary Committee yesterday that the web site has no plans to reopen its adult services section as the company tries to defend against the sexual exploitation of minors. He made no mention, though, about the continued rampant trafficking of abused couches.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

WEDNESDAY: The right stuffed.

Backed by Sarah Palin and a history of extreme-right views, Christine O'Donnell has won the Republican nomination for a Delaware seat in the House. Many of the Republicans who voted for her claimed that they might even do so again in the general election. Some voters expressed concern, though, that if they send too many GOP candidates to Washington, that it will become a lot harder to get away with trying to shut down the federal government.

Other tea party candidates have also made a splash in GOP primaries, ousting many moderate Republicans who simply weren't willing to violently hate as much stuff.

Rep. Charlie Rangel won the New York Democratic primary for his House seat, helping answer the age old question, "How many ethics charges can you receive and still keep your job?" At present Rangel sets the high water mark at a cool 13, but with a busy two months of traveling, dining out and misfiling ahead, the over/under is set at 20 for election day.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

TUESDAY: An update for the disconnected.

In hyper-local news, you are reading this.

Monday, September 13, 2010

MONDAY: Back to the grind.

Congress returns to work this week, with just a short window to try and get things done before the midterm elections. Republicans are set to dispute all of the facts in the previous sentence as well as any others that might rear their ugly heads. Democrats are looking to change the overall narrative that they are ineffective legislators who throw money at problems, but all of the strategy teams they have paid huge sums to offer up new solutions have not been returning their calls.

A new Mason-Dixon poll has Majority Leader Harry Reid with a two point lead in the Nevada Senate Race. His opponent, Sharron Angle, only polls at 35% favorable, as the Nevada voters make the hard choice between someone they despise, and someone they don't want to elect.

Friday, September 10, 2010

FRIDAY: Don't not ask.

A federal judge in California has ruled that the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy is unconstitutional, as it violates the First and Fifth Amendment rights of gays and lesbians. Once she issues her decision to the government, gays will finally be able to openly acknowledge their sexuality instead of having to hide behind military protocol to explain their love of tidy bunks and tight-fitting uniforms.

Pastor Terry Jones, who planned to host a Quran burning on September 11th, announced yesterday that he is calling the event off. He claims that after thinking it over more, he realized that it would be far better to keep the books to use them to attack Muslims directly.

President Obama has named one of his longtime advisers, Austan Goolsbee to succeed Christina Romer as the chairman of his Council of Economic Advisers. Goolsbee has been in the administration since the beginning of Obama's presidency, most recently serving as his Spooky Names Czar.

Enjoy the weekend, and all of your weekend activities.

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Thursday, September 9, 2010

THURSDAY: All the news that's fit to upload.

Arthur Sulzberger, publisher of The New York Times, told a London audience yesterday that they "will stop printing the New York Times sometime in the future." This came as a surprise to the news source's millions of online readers who assumed that plenty of bird cage owners and the elederly must still be buying paper copies.

According to a former employee from a company that supplies translators to the U.S. Army in Afghanistan, 28% of their interpreters failed proficiency tests but were sent out anyway. Most of the resulting issues occurred when weapons crates were discovered in the field and none of the translators could read a lick of Russian.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

WEDNESDAY: The Daley Planet.

Chicago Mayor, Richard M. Daley announced on Tuesday that he would not seek reelection in 2011, shocking many who were unaware that more than one person was allowed to run for mayor at a time. Daley, who has been in office since 1989 and who received 71% of the vote in 2007, pledged to spend more time at home, where he is far less popular.

Speculation has already begun as to who will replace Daley, including chatter about Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, who has previously declared his interest in the job. Inside sources say that Emanuel is determining how he might be able to bypass an election altogether and simply take the position by force.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

TUESDAY: ABSee ya.

David Westin, president of ABC News is stepping down from his position, joining the 400 or so employees he let go in February. An inside source claims that financial concerns did not play a role in Westin’s decision and that it was more a result of boredom, frustration, and underachieving. Westin said in a statement that he looks forward to staying connected to the news by “just skimming the headlines on Yahoo and not feeling guilty about it.”

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal is holding off from endorsing the GOP Senate candidate in his state, David Vitter, who has been at the center of a sex scandal as well as interfered in the criminal investigation of one of his aides. Jindal privately reports that he is worried about the backlash of supporting either candidate, Vitter or his Democratic Challenger, Hurricane Katrina.

In general medical news, viruses are still alive and kicking.

Monday, September 6, 2010

MONDAY: Happy Labor Day.

President Obama ushered in Labor Day by announcing a proposed $50 billion bill to support targeted infrastructure projects around the country, at a time when lawmakers up for reelection are concerned about expanding an already significant deficit. While he hopes that it will spur job creation by prodding companies and local government agencies to hire more workers, and that they will be motivated, sparked, moved, triggered, activated, kindled, inspired, roused, electrified and incentivized to do so, he made it clear that this is in no way another "stimulus."

The U.S. Department of Labor is celebrating the holiday by unveiling a new web site designed to provide tools to help the unemployed find jobs. Entitled, My Skills My Future, the site will allow people the chance to quickly browse thousands of jobs they are completely unqualified for, whereas that volume of rejection would have previously taken months of pounding the pavement.

Friday, September 3, 2010

FRIDAY: Blown opportunity.

An oil platform explosion in the Gulf of Mexico yesterday did not result in any spilled oil or deaths, contrary to early reports. Officials are pleased to hear the good news that there is apparently still no reason to adjust or change their security measures or safety standards. Any additional security measures would be difficult to pull off in the near future as most regulators are tied up giving depositions for the next few months.

A group of Democrats in the House are working to gain signatures on a letter to President Obama, letting him know that if tries to fix any budget problems by making cuts to Social Security that he will lose their support. This could be a major blow to the Obama agenda since it would then be difficult to get the House to send legislation along so it can be stalled in the Senate.

In general sports news, balls are being thrown.

Your week may be ending, but your weekending is beginning.

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Thursday, September 2, 2010

THURSDAY: Here we goad again.

President Obama kicked off a two-day Mideast peace summit yesterday at the White House. The president said in a statement that he felt good about their conversation, although the primary goal is to lay the groundwork for the next set of meetings, to be conducted by President Malia Obama.

Twitter has released an official app for the iPad. This is huge news for all of the users who have been anxious to let everyone know just how amazing it is to have an iPad, but have often had to wait countless seconds getting to their phones or computers, often during which they completely forget what it is they wanted to say in the first place.

Speculation continues to grow that Burger King will soon be up for sale, and while there are many prospective buyers most of them would rather attempt to buy McDonald's since it's more popular, has far more locations and the french fries remind them of their childhoods.

Demi Moore has released photographs of herself in a bikini on her Twitter account as part of her 47-year, ongoing project to be noticed.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

WEDNESDAY: So long.

President Obama gave an Oval Office address tonight to officially announce the end of Operation Iraqi Freedom. Now that the final U.S. combat troops have left the nation, which is currently deadlocked over the creation of a formal government, Obama noted that the local forces have formally begun Operation Iraqi Clusterfuck. Iraqi troops were trained for the mission by the U.S. soldiers' example over the last seven years.

With the full war effort now focused on Afghanistan, the president stressed the need to reduce our dependence on foreign oil and to start looking to increase our need for foreign sand.