Monday, January 31, 2011

MONDAY: Block like an Egyptian.

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak swore in a new Cabinet today, in an attempt to appease thousands of protesters flooding the streets of Cairo. Other actions taken by the despised leader include changing the government's phone number, getting new pencils for all of the desks and promising the embittered masses that he will swiftly act to replace all of the personal assistants that fled his employment and cursed his name.

Mubarak went on to declare that he respects the strong will of the Egyptian people, and he can only hope that all of the citizens they are replaced with have just as much national pride, but far less personal integrity.

Protesters are demanding that members of the Egyptian armed forces declare whether their allegiance is with them or Mubarak. Their response would be in violation of the country's 30 year-old "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.

Friday, January 28, 2011

FRIDAY: Demanding faster service.

In the Chicago mayoral debate last night, former senator Carol Moseley Braun criticized Rahm Emanuel and Gery Chico for going "from one government appointment to another." Braun, on the other hand, went to Congress and was sent back home as soon as possible.

Yesterday, the Senate voted to end the practice of secret holds, in which a senator was able to anonymously obstruct legislation. The move was part of a broad effort to reform the rules of the chamber, so that everyone has to work harder to manipulate the system in new and more blatantly obnoxious ways.

Please enjoy the weekend, because it can't enjoy itself.

Follow along at

Thursday, January 27, 2011

THURSDAY: Back to her roots.

On Fox News last night former beauty queen and momentary mayor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, commented that President Obama erred in his State of the Union address and that the USSR actually won the space race. Palin expressed confidence in her assertion, claiming that she watched the whole thing unfold from her porch.

On MSNBC last night, Meghan McCain called Michele Bachmann a "poor man's Sarah Palin," big words coming from a poor man's Michelle Malkin while being interviewed on a poor man's CNN.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

WEDNESDAY: No time like the present.

President Obama delivered his second State of the Union address last night, during which he outlined his vision for "winning the future." The president got the idea for that theme after it became pretty clear that the present wasn't worth taking.

In her Tea Party response, Michele Bachmann stressed that she rather see America try to win the past. She went on to explain how it is quite possible for the past to come after the present, if we only make sure to put our futures behind us.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

TUESDAY: Needing a moving address.

President Obama is under extremely close scrutiny for any clues about the focus of his State of the Union address tonight. Based on his early activities so far today, speculators guess that the speech may have something to do with showering and/or breakfast.

The Oscar nominations have been announced and "Dora The Explorer: Let's Explore! Dora's Greatest Adventures," was not recognized in any category, which really pissed off 4 year-old Jessica Taubel who thought "The King's Speech" was a fucking bore.

A new CNN poll reveals that Americans are more optimistic about the state of the country right now than at any time in the last four years, which is completely dismissed by 4 year-old Jessica Taubel who doesn't see a way out of the darkness.

Monday, January 24, 2011

MONDAY: The trials of being vice president.

Vice President Joe Biden reported for jury duty in Delaware today, going through the entire screening process and making himself available to serve. The judge insisted that Biden's responsibilities would be a clear cause for dismissal, but the vice president insisted that he, in fact, had absolutely nowhere to be.

On Friday, Keith Olbermann announced that it was his last appearance on MSNBC. His show will continue to run for another week, though, as the network will simply be airing the remaining echoes from all of his shouting.

Friday, January 21, 2011

FRIDAY: Who-Dean-E.

Former Vermont Governor and presidential nominee Howard Dean said in a letter to Democracy for America that the "the State of the Progressive Movement is strong." The Progressive Movement has responded, calling Dean, "That puss-bag no one really talks about anymore." They should of course not be confused with "The Progressive Moo-vement," Dean's bluegrass Widespread Panic cover band.

GOP leaders continue to line up by the day for 2012 presidential nominee consideration, although, for some reason no one is interested in telling Mitt Romney where the line is.

And in international news, important people you've never heard of performed governmental procedures you wouldn't understand.

Don't be sad about the weekend. Monday will be here soon.

Follow along at

Thursday, January 20, 2011

THURSDAY: Picking up the tab.

President Obama hosted a state dinner last night in the middle of a four-day visit by Chinese President Hu Jintao. Hu said the meal was wonderful, but since he was paying for it he would have preferred that they skimp a bit more on the wine.

Hu will visit Congress today where he's expected to not give a shit what anyone thinks about him.

Walmart announced today that they plan to make their food products healthier and will push their suppliers to do the same. For anyone reluctant to the store changing its policies, though, reductions in sugar and sodium should have no effect on how deadly their bullets are.

Illinois senators Mark Kirk and Dick Durbin announced that they will sit together at the State of the Union next week. Kirk was nervous about asking the senior Democratic leader, but got word from someone in the congressional locker room that Durbin kind of liked him, so he was like, a little less nervous, and then he got a message from Durbin on his Facebook wall, which was like, totally sweet and cute, and so he asked him (!) and found out that Durbin was like, TOTALLY gonna ask him anyway!!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

WEDNESDAY: Drooping to new levels.

Joe Lieberman is expected to announce that he will not seek reelection to the Senate in 2012. Aides wanted to put out the word so the press would be there when Joe announced the start of a two-year, "Do Whatever The Hell I Want Tour."

The Connecticut incumbent is soon likely to be seen on the Senate floor in his "casual" weekend attire, or taking four or five pieces of pie at lunch in the Congressional cafeteria. DC insiders hope this will also mean more Lieberman-on-the-town time, which is always a wild roller-coaster of misdeeds into the cripplingly late 9 o'clock hour.

There is also a rumor that an unknown, yet apparently wise, brilliant and kind Connecticut farmer named Moe Bieberman, is planning on running for the outgoing senator's seat, while sporting a bushy mustache and a distracting hat.

Finally, some people may have gone to last night hoping to see news about the bomb planted on an MLK Day parade course in Washington State. Luckily, the front page was featuring a Howard Stern quote about Jay Leno, and they got to forget about that other story altogether.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

TUESDAY: End of the rogue.

The NFL reports that Bret Favre has submitted his official retirement papers, or, at least the shreds that league officials were able to pry from his white-knuckled grip.

The Department of Homeland Security has announced that it is scrapping a Bush-era plan to build a "virtual fence" along the U.S.-Mexican border. At the cost of almost $1 billion, the plan didn't seem worth it considering studies showed that it would be as effective in stemming illegal immigration as an actual fence.

Monday, January 17, 2011

MONDAY: Happy Martin Luther King Day.

Starbucks has announced that it will be rolling out a 31-ounce "Trenta" size this year, available for their chilled coffee beverages. The company says it wants to meet the needs of all customers, including those who need to fake a seizure to get out of work.

President Barack Obama's approval rating has crept above 50% for the first time since the beginning of his term. The spike is likely due to his recent announcement that he will, in fact, participate in the NBA All-Star Weekend Slam Dunk Contest.

The Social Network took top honors at The Golden Globe Awards on Sunday. Producers are now strongly reconsidering films about Twitter, LOL Cats and "404 - Page Not Found."

Friday, January 14, 2011

FRIDAY: Being kept under glock and key.

Under tight security, House Republicans headed to Baltimore yesterday for their annual retreat. Doing its best to protect against acts of violence to its members, the GOP thought it would be best to go right to the center of where everyone else in the country was being murdered.

Sarah Palin has agreed to sit down with Sean Hannity on Monday for her first interview since the tragedy in Tucson. The Fox News host is expected to ask the former governor a number of direct, frank, rhetorical questions.

Michael Steele will likely be ousted today as RNC Chair and Wisconsin GOP Chair, Reince Priebus is the front runner to replace him. Priebus is a hybrid Republican, running on both oil lobbyists and hot air.

In Broadway news, "Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark" has been delayed again until March 15 following a series of high-flying accidents that have left four actors injured during previews. If history is any indication, though, this shouldn't effect their long-term success, as Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Cats" had numerous work stoppages before its official opening due to an outbreak of feline leukemia.

If you enjoy ending the week, then enjoy the weekend.

Follow along at

Thursday, January 13, 2011

THURSDAY: Weighing our options.

The Agriculture Department is releasing a proposal today to make school lunches healthier over the next ten years, by lowering sodium and fat and increasing whole grains, fruits and vegetables. Many parents are crying out that they don't want the government telling them how to raise their kids, even though most of them can no longer physically raise their kids. In many school districts students are now just shouting out answers in class, as teachers found that asking them to put their hands up required too much physical exertion and the serious threat of burning a calorie.

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) plans to propose legislation that would allow lawmakers to carry concealed weapons in the Capitol, and even onto the House floor. Many of the more extreme Republicans claim they would feel a lot safer in the chamber if they actually had a way to defend their positions.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

WEDNESDAY: We all fall down.

Lebanon's government has collapsed, justifying the concern on the part of those who said it should not be built by Halliburton.

Rep. Dan Burton (R-IN) plans to reintroduce legislation to enclose the House gallery in a Plexiglas-like wall for the added safety of members. Burton is, of course, a recipient of significant donations from the powerful Plexiglas lobby.

Illinois lawmakers voted this morning to temporarily raise the income tax level 66% to help cover a massive budget shortfall. Gov. Pat Quinn was confident the measure would help increase jobs and reduce spending, by forcing citizens to pick up and move to Indiana and Wisconsin.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

TUESDAY: The new deal.

Verizon announced today that they will start carrying Apple's iPhone starting next month, sure to set off a massive defection from AT&T. Verizon said it is thrilled to welcome all of the new customers and looks forward to dealing with how shitty their network suddenly becomes.

Rep. Peter King (R-NY) is planning on introducing legislation that would make it illegal to carry a gun within 1000 feet of a government official. King stressed that it is essential that every single American feels safe in public, but that we should probably just start with the elected ones.

Monday, January 10, 2011

MONDAY: Thou shalt watch pigskin.

Freezing rain and sleet is falling today, following up a weekend of snow across the Bible Belt. The inclement weather is just in time for the region's yearly "questioning just how real God is after all," which normally concludes immediately following the BCS Championship Game.

Friday, January 7, 2011

FRIDAY: Open books.

Due to its number of shareholders, Facebook will soon be required by the SEC to disclose more about its finances. CEO Mark Zuckerberg is hoping to appease regulators by simply changing the company's profile page to say that "It's Complicated."

House Republicans on Thursday introduced a number of bills designed to impede the EPA and tie up President Obama's global warming agenda, while meanwhile global warming also continued to blow hot air and do whatever the hell it wanted.

The New York Post reports that Rudy Giuliani is preparing for a possible presidential run in 2012. Apparently the former New York mayor has been pooling cash to see how much he is comfortable losing, and gathering his talking points to size up just exactly how little he has to say.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

THURSDAY: Reading the crowd.

Republicans decided to kick off the 112th Congress today with a nod to the Tea Party, by reading the US Constitution on the floor of the House of Representatives. They were originally going to read it in its entirety but then opted for an edited version after they realized just how much the full text promised for everybody.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

WEDNESDAY: It's the first day of tool.

The 112th Congress of the United States convenes today. Here are some of the highlights seen around the Capitol:

-New Speaker, John Boehner spent part of the morning at Walmart, deciding between a Marlboro or a Robert Mondavi Trapper Keeper.

-Barney Frank stashed a change of clothes in his secret hiding spot in case of "accidents."

-The Tea Party came to drop Michele Bachmann off, and didn't leave until they saw her get all the way up the stairs and into the building.

-Nancy Pelosi tried to bring her own gavel when she got out of the car, but her husband gave her a hug and took it back home with him when he left.

-Eric Cantor got a mild rebuke from the Capitol Police for taking a piss in the bushes and then flipping them off.

-Anthony Weiner roamed the Rotunda looking for anyone who was willing to rap battle him.

-Vice President Biden came to the swearing in wearing a bath robe and a pair of penny loafers, announcing that it was the new style for 2011.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

TUESDAY: Sacked.

A day after announcing he would retire from football after 19 years, Brett Favre was accused of sexual harassment by two more former part-time employees of the New York Jets. Favre's management team responded to the allegations, claiming that while their client will definitely be leaving the NFL, he currently has no plans to stop texting photographs of his penis.

Monday, January 3, 2011

MONDAY: Happy New Year.

iPhone users rang in the new year with a surprise, waking up late on the 1st to discover that the phone's alarm function was no longer working. Apple acknowledged the glitch, but responded that the essential features of the phone - looking busy in elevators, looking busy in taxi cabs and looking busy in waiting rooms - were all working just fine.

The New York Times reports that Goldman Sachs has invested $450 million in Facebook. The significant expenditure is part of the banking giant's New Year's resolution to make more friends.

On ABC's This Week on Sunday, conservative commentator George Will declared that Sarah Palin "cannot be president." Republicans were quick to respond, bugging out their eyes, shutting their mouths and nodding vigorously.