Monday, February 28, 2011

MONDAY: The young and the restless.

James Franco and Anne Hathaway hosted the 83rd Academy Awards last night in Hollywood, in an effort to draw a younger, hipper audience. Luckily the two did not get stuck at any point, or Franco would have had to break his own arm to play to the "YouTube" crowd or Hathaway would have had to take off her top to appeal to the "everything else on the Internet" crowd.

Friday, February 25, 2011

FRIDAY: Walker, Wisconsin danger.

The Wisconsin Assembly has rammed through Governor Walker's budget plan, which includes a measure to strip public employee unions of their collective bargaining rights. If the plan passes the State Senate then unions will have no recourse, as the bill firmly establishes the legality of rape.

With star Charlie Sheen in and out of rehab and busy making inflammatory comments, CBS and Warner Brothers have decided to cancel the rest of production for this season of Two And A Half Men and suspend paying their lead. TV viewers will have many other options on television, but an entire community of prostitutes will have trouble replacing their supply of cocaine.

Enjoy your weekend, or for those who dwell on the past, enjoy the week all over again.

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Thursday, February 24, 2011

THURSDAY: The easiest mission yet.

Rolling Stone has learned that the U.S. Army ordered soldiers specializing in "psychological operations" to manipulate visiting U.S. Senators into getting them more troops and funding. Their tactics, which proved successful, involved pooling together some pocket change from around the barracks and took about fifteen minutes.

One of Sarah Palin's aides announced on Twitter that the former Alaska governor will travel to India in March. Palin followed up the tweet herself by saying that she can't wait to see Muncie.

And The New York Times reports that by the end of 2012, South Korea's Internet service will be 200 times faster than the U.S.'s. Users are going to have to be extremely careful due to the impact that pop-up ads can have that speed.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

WEDNESDAY: Emanuel to call our own.

Rahm Emanuel was elected mayor of Chicago last night, and that whooshing sound you heard was the entire City Council collectively shitting its pants.

Voters in Chicago came out in relatively low numbers, which pleased Republicans who weren't sure if threatening to bust up unions across the country would do the trick.

Democratic lawmakers in Indiana walked out today, saying that if Wisconsin wasn't going to go to work, then they shouldn't have to either.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

TUESDAY: All together now.

NBA player Carmelo Anthony has been traded from the Denver Nuggets to the New York Knicks, bringing him together with fellow all-star Amare Stoudemire. The move is another step in commissioner David Stern's plan to get all the superstar players as close to an ocean as possible, so his threats of forced drowning do not go unheeded.

Monday, February 21, 2011

MONDAY: Happy President's Day.

A remnant of our first president and his complicated relationship with slavery, The Huffington Post reports that 90% of people with the last name "Washington" in this country are African-American. Meanwhile, the names McConnell, Palin and Cheney are still holding down at 100% white.

In an analysis released Monday, a Canadian psychologist has discovered more than 5,000 videos of self-injury. A number of teenagers have commented that he must not have been looking very hard, and that with the search terms "roof," "running start," and "hot air balloon," he should be able to get that count up over a million in no time.

The Texas State Legislature is moving forward with a bill that will allow college students and professors to carry concealed weapons on campus. Lawmakers felt that, at present, everyone had to rely far too much on reason and logic when fighting over grades.

Friday, February 18, 2011

FRIDAY: Protests because they're pro-tests.

On Thursday twenty-five thousand people turned out in Madison, Wisconsin to protest the governor's attempt to strip teachers of their collective bargaining rights. The crowd was full of school employees, students and a small set of extremely confused Libyans.

Yemen is getting in on the Arab world revolt action, with a "Day of Rage" today. With most of the uprising story lines having already been played out, protesters are looking to add a cute kid or perhaps take the protest to a more exotic location to boost interest.

Some good week's must come to end. Enjoy the weekend.

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Thursday, February 17, 2011

THURSDAY: Questions of value.

Speaking in front of The Long Island Association today, Sarah Palin has agreed to answer questions in front of the mainstream media. Her aides have assured that her answers will not be planned, and that most of the questions are expected to come from Trivial Pursuit Junior.

Congress has voted to extend The Patriot Act 90 more days while they debate certain provisions of the law. At issue are certain powers granted to law enforcement, including that camera you haven't noticed in your bedroom and the one in your shower.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

WEDNESDAY: A bad pitch.

Rafid Ahmed Alwan al-Janabi, codenamed "Curveball" by German and American intelligence officials has admitted that he fabricated the information regarding mobile weapons trucks and WMD in Iraq, which got used as justification for invading the country. George W. Bush, who has been quiet since leaving office, came out to say that Curveball's lying is a huge disgrace, and had he been in control at the time he would have done things a lot differently.

Borders, the second-largest bookstore chain in the country, is filing for bankruptcy. While many people will flock to the stores now to try and relish the bookstore experience before they become extinct, the vast majority of people will simply read about it online.

Teachers in Wisconsin have forced the state to shut down schools today, as they have called in sick en masse to spend the day protesting the governor's proposal to eliminate their right to negotiate on health benefits, and to limit their salary raises. Union organizers say that the strike is an attempt to teach Gov. Scott Walker a lesson, while the displaced students have commented that they hope someone learns something today.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

TUESDAY: Kid stuff.

The state government in China, in an effort to improve the health of its people, is ordering filmmakers to limit the amount of smoking they show in their films. Officials have been concerned about the negative influence that smoking in movies has on the 11-year-olds who edit and package them.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is going to trial in April on charges that he paid a 17-year-old Moroccan girl to have sex with him. Berlusconi insists that he is completely innocent because he's pretty sure that girl was 18.

Monday, February 14, 2011

MONDAY: Happy Valentine's Day.

Groupon users are up in arms about a deal with flower company FTD, as users later found the same flowers they had purchased were cheaper on the company's website. Girlfriends of the Groupon users were also pissed off when they found out that they weren't worth full-priced flowers.

The Grammy Awards were held yesterday in Los Angeles. Numerous web sites accidentally mixed up the photos for their "best" and "worst" dressed slide shows and no one seemed to notice.

A new study reveals that the South American giant short-faced bear is the biggest bear ever discovered. After they figured this out, paleontologists immediately began investigating whether or not he did porn.

Friday, February 11, 2011

FRIDAY: Going, going, gone.

Following 18 days of protests, Egyptian Vice President Omar Suleiman announced just after nightfall that President Hosni Mubarak is stepping down immediately. He just needs to clean up real quick, get all his things, settle up his bill for the pay per view, do a quick once over, and he should be right out of there by the end of the decade.

Eager to find a way to transfer tens of billions of dollars out of the country, Hosni Mubarak may need an accomplice. So, don't immediately assume it's a scam if you get an email from the former Egyptian president asking for your help.

Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson, now a pro-marijuana legalization libertarian, was thrown off the stage at CPAC today. When asked how he was able to not only get in but also secure a speaking slot, organizers claimed that Johnson seemed as detached from general society as the rest of them, they just had no idea that his particular brand of wackadoo didn't jibe with their own.

May your weekend be as filled or empty as you so desire.

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Thursday, February 10, 2011

THURSDAY: Second peak.

The Coen brothers' True Grit opened up the Berlin Film Festival in Germany today, on the heels of its 10 Oscar nominations. The Berlin Film Festival continues to be the premiere event abroad, to see American movies two months after they premiere in the States.

Sen. Jon Kyl (R-AZ) is expected to announce today that he will not run for reelection in 2012. His colleague from Arizona, John McCain, is checking to see if he can run for that too.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

WEDNESDAY: Not so chummy.

A report from the University of Florida states that shark attacks were up 25% globally in 2010. Shark representatives have rejected calls for a renewed civility, saying that attacks on humans would be up 75% percent if they had better access to the media.

A leaked report out of Apple indicates that the next generation iPad will be thinner and lighter as part of the company's continued effort to make all of their products as much like Steve Jobs as possible.

The USDA announced today that eggs are considerably lower in cholesterol than previously thought, so you can keep enjoying a daily eleven egg omelet with only the threat of a double bypass.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

TUESDAY: Pissing contest.

Donald Rumsfeld and John McCain have gotten into a war of words recently, sniping back and forth in press appearances. The feud was touched off when the two men were both blinding shouting at random passersby trying to get help cleaning themselves and possibly a sandwich, when they accidentally blurted out each others' names.

According to Nielsen, this year's Super Bowl was the most watched television program in the history of the country, just eking past a few re-runs of "The Big Bang Theory."

Inventors at the Nuremberg toy fair in Germany this week are unveiling a new wave of "green" toys that are made from sustainable materials and utilize alternative clean energy sources. Children have reported that the toys are great for showing off on the playground, but really suck to play with.

Bristol Palin says that she might run for political office someday. She already has strong opinions on the top issues of the day: Dancing With The Stars, sex and her mother.

Monday, February 7, 2011

MONDAY: The little town that could.

The Green Bay Packers defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers in the Super Bowl yesterday, covering the spread and confirming the predictions of most experts. It was a rough day for those who bit on the 8,000,000,000 : 1 odds, and bet on the Indianapolis Colts.

Christina Aguilera is getting heat for botching a line of the Star Spangled Banner. The pop star apparently made the mistake of double checking the lyrics with a row of light bulbs, believing at the time that they were The Black Eyed Peas.

AOL announced that they are acquiring The Huffington Post for over $300 million. This is great news for all of the Huffington Post bloggers who will get a 0% increase to the $0 they currently earn.

Friday, February 4, 2011


Republican lawmakers in Arizona are putting together a bill that if passed would allow a panel to vote on whether or not the state needed to comply with any federal law that they felt overstepped the bounds of the Constitution. The Constitution, of course, explicitly states, though, that federal law overrides state law in all cases, thus setting up a back and forth in line with the age old question, "Which came first, The Constitution or the assholes?"

John Boehner has said that he is open to the idea of granting the media more access to the House floor. He said he'd like the press to see him as a weepy mess less often, and the low humidity in the chamber helps his tears evaporate faster off the sizzling hotplate of skin below his eyes.

Enjoy the weekend, because every week only gets one.

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Thursday, February 3, 2011

THURSDAY: Tastes like cheap.

The Food and Agriculture Organization Food Price Index is at an all-time high, raising concerns about people's ability to afford three meals a day all over the world. Taco Bell executives have replied that they are more than happy to help nations out with cheaper products featuring "real-food taste," driving cost down enough to even afford a "fourthmeal."

The New York City Council has approved extending a ban on smoking to city parks and beaches. Many citizens are outraged, saying the ban is going to really ruin the anonymous gay sex afterglow.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

WEDNESDAY: An unfortunate development.

BREAKING NEWS: Anderson Cooper has been attacked in Egypt. Details are still being revealed as it is currently unclear why Kathy Griffin was in the country in the first place.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

TUESDAY: Going with the crowd.

Ann Coulter appeared on Fox News last night, saying that nothing good ever comes from a mob uprising like the one currently taking place in Egypt. Coulter then went on to describe the American Revolution, which of course was a tidy affair in which the colonists invited the British to a sit-down over flour cakes and hard cider, during which they had a laugh about the whole thing, pledged their love of Christ and parted on good terms with a handshake, a wink and the brutal death of 38,000 people.

The King of Jordan has dismissed his government and appointed a new prime minister, in direct response to the defecating events taking place in his pants region.

Looking ahead, the wave of Arab unrest is expected to continue across the region in the coming week, with periods of uncertainty and heavy chaos, and an 85% chance of regime change.