Thursday, March 31, 2011

THURSDAY: A pain in the ass and numerous other places.

A group of students at a Boston High School have made a documentary that says most kids in their school get their information about intercourse from pornography, in an effort to get the school to provide formal sex education. Health programs have been largely cut in the area, in part due to previous disputes about whether abstinence should be taught, or just snickered about in passing references to Bristol Palin. A representative from the pornography community commented that they were just happy to be a part of the conversation.

A woman in New Jersey reports that she cannot fully close her eyes after numerous cosmetic procedures. On the upside, though, she loves what she sees.

President Obama is still deciding whether or not to arm rebels in Libya during their fight against dictator Muammar Gaddafi. He has asked History to look into it, and the early reports back are not looking that good.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

WEDNESDAY: Start the bidding at shhhh.

A Florida man was indicted yesterday for importing an unmanned spy plane into the U.S. and then trying to sell it on eBay. He originally was going to list the illicit item on Craig's List, but was afraid that someone would try to have sex with it.

President Obama will announce in a speech today that he wants the U.S. to reduce its oil imports by one third by 2025. It's unclear whether he is including whatever we suck out of our shrimp.

Lady Gaga announced today that she will start writing a fashion and art column for V Magazine. The publication hopes she can share insight and commentary about Lady Gaga.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

TUESDAY: Brutality bites.

President Obama defended U.S. intervention in Libya last night, saying that he refused to sit back and let a leader massacre his people. Wisconsin governor Scott Walker responded, saying he could imagine a handful of cases where he'd be cool with it.

According to a new Pew poll 50% of the country thinks that the U.S. has no plan in Libya, which means that exactly half of the country must be right.

With the name Operation Odyssey Dawn now taken, the U.S. will have to consider other Bed, Bath & Beyond soaps when titling future military actions.

Monday, March 28, 2011

MONDAY: No for good reason.

President Obama will deliver an address tonight on his rationale for military intervention in Libya. Republicans plan to respond with their irrationale for objecting to whatever he says.

Workers at Japan's crumbling nuclear complex have discovered new pools of leaking radioactive water, or, as it's called in the Chinese labor community, lunch.

According to a report at, online bookstores are becoming increasingly popular in India. With any luck, scores of publishing and distribution jobs could soon be outsourced back to the U.S.

Friday, March 25, 2011

FRIDAY: Flying by the seat of their pants.

Police in India have arrested four pilots in the last two weeks who were flying with phony aviation licenses. The group claims that they only got the fake IDs in the first place so they could buy beer.

As Newt Gingrich continues to make baby steps toward announcing a presidential run, he is scrubbing his past so as to not rile voters. Recently, entries on his Twitter feed about his love for Reese's peanut butter cups were removed, because the GOP still publicly supports integration, but privately thinks that mixing chocolate and peanut butter is going too far.

And finally, President Obama continues to avoid giving a Libya address, although many conservatives are certain that he lived there at some point.

Have a great weekend. You earned it.

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Thursday, March 24, 2011

THURSDAY: Shattering trust.

Chris Brown went on BET to apologize for his violent outburst backstage at Good Morning America, where he smashed a window with a chair following an interview with Robin Roberts. Brown said that he deeply regrets the incident as he has always had the greatest respect for windows and hopes this doesn't change their willingness to let him see through them in the future.

A 4-year old girl who was born in New York, was sent back to Guatemala, after trying to reenter the country with her grandfather, who had an illegal entry charge on his record from a decade ago. Most Americans were invested and concerned during the "4-year old" part, but lost interest at "Guatemala."

The GOP continues to be dissatisfied with their options for a 2012 presidential candidate. The problem is that fact that whether it's Newt's past affairs, Palin's bumbling foreign policy statements, Pawlenty's utterly boring demeanor or Romney's tricky legislative past, at one point or another, they have all acted like Republicans.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

WEDNESDAY: Exit, stage left.

Legendary Actress Elizabeth Taylor passed away today. Family members say she died peacefully, trying to revive her career with a role in the "Spider-Man" musical.

According to the Associated Press, the U.S. has 71,862 tons of still-hot, nuclear waste in 30 states with no place to put it. Executives are currently looking into getting it all in one house and giving it its own show on MTV.

Oxford lecturer and local tongue-twister, Francesca Stavrakopoulou claims that early versions of the Bible included God's wife, a fertility goddess named, Asherah. She was soon taken out because the chemistry between her and God wasn't testing well, in large part because chemistry hadn't been invented yet.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

TUESDAY: The power of inertia.

Kirstie Alley appeared on the premiere of Dancing With The Stars last night and to most people's surprise, nothing was broken. Alley, 60, danced to CeeLo Green's hit song "F&#! You," which audience members couldn't help but note, that they would not.

Virginia "Ginni" Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas is joining the conservative website, The Daily Caller, as a special correspondent. Apparently she'll weigh on who she's sleeping with and just exactly what she can get him to do.

Monday, March 21, 2011

MONDAY: Getting their drop on.

AT&T announced a deal Sunday to buy T-Mobile for $39 billion. The merger is great news for AT&T customers who wished their carrier had a more expansive network, as well as for T-Mobile customers who wished their carrier sucked.

Friday, March 18, 2011

FRIDAY: Refusing to budget an inch.

A Wisconsin judge has temporarily blocked the controversial anti-union bill recently signed by Governor Scott Walker, over the issue of potential illegality in how the passed was passed. Democrats see this as an opportunity to come together and work out a compromise, while Republicans see it as an opportunity to defund the legal system.

Libya declared a ceasefire overnight, or as administration officials refer to it, "reloading."

Enjoy the weekend, it'll be over soon.

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Thursday, March 17, 2011

THURSDAY: Happy St. Patrick's Day.

U.S. life expectancy has hit a new all-time high, rising to 78 years and 2 months. Opponents to President Obama's health care reform are furious about the new figure, saying the government has no right to force them to stay alive past their best drinking and smoking years.

Vice President Joe Biden's office has joined the discussions on reforming the nation's gun policy, after accidentally walking into the room on the way to getting a sandwich.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

WEDNESDAY: Closed for business.

In Wisconsin, Working America, a non-union advocacy group for organized labor, has seen their enrollment numbers increase by around 20,000 members since mid-February. Governor Scott Walker isn't concerned by their efforts, though, saying, "No comment. I refuse to talk."

The Obama administration is looking to force the nation's five largest mortgage firms to reduce monthly payments for distressed homeowners in response to accusations of illegal foreclosures and violation of consumer protection laws. Dead set on getting this done, the president intends to use his sternest tone when he says, "Pretty please?"

Rep. Michele Bachmann admitted that she made a mistake last week, claiming the battles of Lexington and Concord took place in New Hampshire. She went on to say that she's a strong, independently-minded conservative who has never felt a need to conform to the bounds of conventional reality.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

TUESDAY: Going behind your own hack.

Tea Party Nation founder Judson Phillips claims that their website has been hacked by the group "Anonymous" who have initiated a project to pose as users and leave disturbing messages and images on the site. Upon closer examination of the racist and pornographic posts, it turned out that the Tea Party Nation site had actually been hacked by the Tea Party.

An AP Psychology teacher in West Pam Beach, Florida has been disciplined for filling a quiz with sexual innuendos. The school reports that most of the students would likely have not noticed at all were it not an oral exam.

Monday, March 14, 2011

MONDAY: A slowly moving target.

Former George W. Bush press secretary Dana Perino is criticizing President Obama for, on more than one occasion, making easy jokes about Rep. John Boehner's skin tone. One of the president's speechwriters responded in agreement, saying he had forgotten that "Bush is stupid" jokes were still on the table.

In a major speech on education today, Obama plans to outline proposed changes to give states and local governments more power over reform efforts. Now that Wisconsin has provided a blueprint for trimming teachers down in the budget, the president's plan will hopefully allow some local politicians to figure out how to solve the biggest problem and get just the students out of the schools altogether.

Friday, March 11, 2011

FRIDAY: Here come the waterworks.

A massive 8.9 magnitude earthquake has struck Japan and caused massive damage, prompting this blog to regret a comment earlier in the week belittling the size of a previous tsunami. Today's events further solidify the notion that it's not the size of the wave but the motion of the ocean that matters, and we can only hope that Lindsay Lohan tarts it up or Charlie Sheen finds a microphone soon to distract the cable news media from the bitterness of this tragedy.

A new Bloomberg news poll shows that 60% of Americans view Sarah Palin unfavorably, compared to 28% who view her favorably. Normally that would be bad news for a presidential contender, but Palin's camp says that the ex-governor views herself as favorably as anyone could, which accounts for the opinions of 100% of the people she cares about.

Enjoy your weekend as much as it will assuredly enjoy you.

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Thursday, March 10, 2011

THURSDAY: Taking a monk off.

The Dalai Lama said today that he plans to step down as Tibet's political leader. Mitt Romney has already thrown his hat in the race to replace him, confident that his Mormon faith won't be an issue.

Rep. Keith Ellison (D-MN) the first Muslim-American to be elected to Congress, teared up on Thursday during a hearing investigating the radicalization of Muslim-Americans. Ellison later reported that he thought the hearings went well, and apologized for getting so emotional about the Miami Heat losing five straight games.

And finally, Republican state senators in Wisconsin last night passed measures to take away the collective bargaining rights of unions, while Democratic senators were outside the state in protest. Right around the same time a few thousand EMTs reported that the Capitol was no longer showing up on their ambulance GPS systems, and they weren't sure if it would return any time soon.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

WEDNESDAY: A baby boom.

A magnitude 7.3 earthquake hit off the coast of Japan today. This triggered a tsunami, reported to be 24 inches high, which posed a huge danger to the country's dwarf population. The 24-inch tsunami, also known as a "wave," is said to have menacingly lapped at the feet of thousands of beach-goers, leading to countless soggy sneakers and one ruined sandwich.

Illinois governor Pat Quinn intends to sign legislation abolishing the death penalty in his state, which makes some conservative lawmakers so mad they could kill someone.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

TUESDAY: Cracked.

Actor Charlie Sheen was fired yesterday from his hit TV show Two and a Half Men following many days of inflammatory comments and appearing to be nearly psychotic following a brief rehab stint. Sheen commented that this was "good news," and claimed that he was waiting to see how Charlie Sheen responded.

A new Rasmussen poll shows that a majority of Americans believe that we should remove our troops from Afghanistan within a year. A majority of U.S. troops say that they're more than happy to get the hell out right now.

Monday, March 7, 2011

MONDAY: Bankruptcy, checked.

According to federal prosecutors, a number of international airlines were involved in a price-fixing scheme to gouge customers and make up for lost profits. Airline executives admit that they never should have put all of those profits into their checked baggage.

Sen. Harry Reid has sparked debate back home after stating in a speech that Nevada would be better off if it wasn't known as "the last place where prostitution is still legal." Reid went on to say that with Nevada's legalized gambling, embattled unions and low-ranking public schools, that the state offered more than enough other ways to get fucked.

Friday, March 4, 2011

FRIDAY: What a waste.

On Thursday, a California court ordered Target to pay $22.5 million to the state for illegally disposing of hazardous materials, by mixing it in with the regular waste. From now on the retailer plans to have the toxic waste in a separate aisle, and always at a discounted price.

Forces loyal to Muammar Gaddafi have opened fire with tear gas and live ammunition on protesters in Libya. The dictator said that he was sincerely hoping to speak with the rebels, but couldn't find an umbrella that would work while it was still raining bullets.

Enjoy the weekend, because the next one won't be for five more days.

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Thursday, March 3, 2011

THURSDAY: Just behind the times.

Potential GOP presidential candidates continue to line up, including Newt Gingrich, who is checking the viability of a run for the White House. Advisers say that the former Speaker of the House could announce his candidacy for the 1996 election any day now. Insiders add that he is very excited to have his first "web site" and that he may make his announcement live on MTV's TRL with Carson Daly.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

WEDNESDAY: Better late than never.

In his new book, Pope Benedict exonerates the Jewish people for the death of Jesus Christ, a large step toward removing stereotypes and alleviating anti-Semitism. Benedict was not, though, willing to forgive the Jews for funding so many Michael Bay productions, which he admitted were commercial successes but had completely tanked at "God's box office."

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

TUESDAY: Mobilizing against the demons.

Muammar Gaddafi deployed forces to the western border area today, as the Libyan leader denounced critics in other countries who say that he is delusional. Once the troops are there, Gaddafi went on to say, they will defend him from Mussolini and the Mongol advance, and that once his space tank infantry is ready, then everyone will see who's really delusional.