Wednesday, August 31, 2011

WEDNESDAY: Pick your poison.

White House Communications Director Dan Pfeiffer announced today that President Obama will deliver a major speech on jobs next Wednesday, the same night as the a Republican presidential debate. Naturally, the first question to the GOP candidates will have to be, "How's that dick taste?"

The Justice Department filed suit today to block a merger between AT&T and T-Mobile, saying it would raise prices for consumers. AT&T says they hope the deal still passes, but dropped connections happen.

New data from the Centers for Disease Control reports that half of Americans over the age of 2 consume sugary drinks every single day. The other half is jus trying to find room in between cake bites.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

TUESDAY: Crime pays.

The Philadelphia Eagles have agreed to a deal with quarterback Michael Vick worth $100 million. Vick says he will use the money to buy massive amounts of things that are not dogs. With $40 million guaranteed, the deal makes the former Virginia Tech star the highest paid ex-convict in the NFL this week.

The U.S. Consumer Confidence Index dropped from 59.2 to 44.5 in August. The country's friends are urging it to get back out there, though, and say it wouldn't be crazy to think about getting a push-up bra.

Monday, August 29, 2011

MONDAY: A stand-up gal.

Michele Bachmann said that the Virginia earthquake and Hurricane Irene were "wake-up calls from God" over the weekend. A campaign spokesman responded today, saying that that comment, much like Bachmann and her presidential campaign, was a joke. Pundits expect the punchline to extend a bit longer although Rick Perry is ready to go with his act as soon as the Minnesota Republican gets off the stage. Mitt Romney continues to wait in the wings with a mop to clean up after the two of them. So far, Democrats appear to be the only ones laughing.

Friday, August 26, 2011

FRIDAY: Stunted.

The Commerce Department reports that the U.S. economy only grew at an annual 1% rate this spring. Experts believe this is in part because it keeps eating school lunches from the Education Department.

The New York Yankees hit three grand slams in one game last night, meaning they would have gotten a fourth one for free if they had needed the runs.

Hurricane Irene is expected to make landfall on the east coast this weekend, just in time to move The Washington Monument to its rightful place in Westmoreland County, Virginia.

Have a weekend, or even better, have a great one.

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Thursday, August 25, 2011

THURSDAY: The Mac daddy.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced that he is resigning on Wednesday night. The market took a hit right at opening today, with turtleneck stocks immediately plummeting.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

WEDNESDAY: Closing the gap.

Following a magnitude-5.8 earthquake that hit the East Coast yesterday, engineers discovered a crack in the Washington Monument. Democrats say that the only way to fix it is to first make it much, much bigger, while Republicans would like to immediately fill the crack with welfare recipients.

Lady Gaga and her sister are designing a clothing line. Fashion insiders say it will be available soon at your local supermarket's deli counter.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

TUESDAY: Dressing him down.

Fighting continues in Libya as rebels make an assault on Muammar Gadhafi's main military compound. Reports indicate that they have broken through the outer layer of sunglasses and are now trying to fight through a massive wall of decorative head coverings.

Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman told Piers Morgan that he would be open to running as Michele Bachmann's VP, or as they say in Washington, gave up.

After leaving Ohio State during a memorabilia-for-cash scandal, quarterback Terrell Pryor was selected by the Oakland Raiders in the NFL's supplemental draft on Monday. Playing in Oakland should allow the young man to grow, and discover the far greater range of violations available to an NFL player.

Monday, August 22, 2011

MONDAY: Making the grade.

Libyan rebels took control of Tripoli on Sunday night and the whereabouts of Col. Muammar Gadhafi are unknown. Standard and Poor's responded to the news by upgrading the country's credit rating to "AAA."

Vice President Biden delivered the keynote speech of his visit to China over the weekend, in which he politely suggested that China could be more open on the issue of human rights. Chinese leaders responded by politely suggesting that Biden can get the fuck out of their country.

Friday, August 19, 2011

FRIDAY: Never a doubt.

Answering a question at a town hall meeting in New Hampshire, Gov. Rick Perry said that the theory of evolution "has some gaps in it." Coincidentally, most scientists define those gaps as "Perry-sized."

On Thursday afternoon, candidate Jon Huntsman responded, tweeting that he trusts scientists about evolution and global warming, both of which he'll enjoy talking about to all of the no one who attends his upcoming events.

Have a great weekend, or at least make sure to get through it all.

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Thursday, August 18, 2011

THURSDAY: Sitting down to walk.

Former Senate candidate, Christine O'Donnell walked off the set while filming an interview with Piers Morgan last night, after the saucy Brit had the audacity to ask her questions about her opinions on sex. O'Donnell only wanted to talk about her book and Morgan only wanted to not get canceled.

The Journal of Consumer Research says that you are less likely to buy anything if you go shopping with someone more attractive than you, while the Journal of Blunt Honesty says that your friends are more attractive than you.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

WEDNESDAY: U asked for it.

The University of Miami is facing a whole new series of allegations that threaten to bring down the program. According to testimony from convicted Ponzi schemer Nevin Shapiro, scores of players from the team apparently attempted to play football, which may have distracted from their strip club attendance, gift receiving and yacht excursions. The NCAA is investigating and could revoke up to forty currently issued fake IDs.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

TUESDAY: Praying on the weak.

Governor Rick Perry got his presidential campaign off to a big start on Monday, calling Fed Chair Ben Bernanke's emergency economic policies "almost treasonous." Perry recently held a massive group prayer session in Houston's Reliant Stadium to ask God to help the country, but as of yet, God appears to be just fine with Ben Bernanke.

A report from the Associated Press reveals that a Navy submarine's commanding officer and 10 percent of the crew were kicked off when an exam-cheating ring was revealed. Although the questions were not revealed, the answer cheat sheet has been found, including answers such as, "H-2," "B-9," and "J-4."

Monday, August 15, 2011

MONDAY: Poll fiction.

Over the weekend Minnesota Congresswoman and compassionate bigot, Michele Bachmann, won the Ames Straw Poll, cementing her at the top of the Republican field for the 2012 nomination. Bachmann's new prominence will now give her the national attention to quickly bring on the catastrophic flame-out many previously thought would take months.

Tim Pawlenty was hoping that a strong showing in the poll would propel his candidacy forward, but he unfortunately finished in third place. The former Minnesota governor then announced that he was pulling out of the race and asked if anyone had fifty bucks or could take him to the airport.

President Obama's approval rating has dropped to a new low, thus introducing the possibility that he could be replaced by Ashton Kutcher on the fall schedule.

Friday, August 12, 2011

FRIDAY: What a girl wants.

GOP presidential candidates met in Iowa last night for a debate, in which Byron York asked Rep. Michele Bachmann if she was a "submissive wife." She replied that she was absolutely not, but that she would check that night to make sure.

A new report claims that bluefin tuna are basically extinct at this point. While environmental conditions have played a factor, scientists say that it is mainly the tuna's fault for being so darn delicious.

Enjoy the weekend, if you are the enjoying type.

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Thursday, August 11, 2011

THURSDAY: Where there is trouble.

There has been a shooting at the ministry of defense in Estonia. Details are emerging slowly as the world is trying to remember just exactly where it put Estonia.

Texas Governor Rick Perry has decided that he would like to be president, reports Mark Halperin. Although he has not officially announced his candidacy, he did receive advice from former president George W. Bush, who himself consulted Jesus Christ after the Son of God did a quick check-in with his Dad, Grover Norquist and the exiled voices from Michele Bachmann's head.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

WEDNESDAY: Total recall.

The GOP lost two State Senate seats in the Wisconsin recall last night, and almost lost two more. Republicans will still hang onto control of the chamber, though, which they now plan to immediately evacuate and use as a dry dock.

And a new Gallup poll shows that President Obama has widened his lead in the 2012 presidential race against "generic Republican," or Mitt Romney.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

TUESDAY: Everything is fact up.

News International, which publishes all of News Corp's U.K. newspapers, has banned the use of subterfuge to obtain information for stories, including the use of pseudonyms and alter egos. More explicit tactics including violence, threats, theft and molestation are all still on the table.

Thousands of London police are setting out to the streets to stop rioters who have rampaged the city, unchecked for the past three nights. Officials considered heading out to stop it earlier, but before taking all that time to put on their elaborate hats they really wanted to make sure the mob meant it.

Wisconsin voters head to the polls for recall elections today, to determine who they are going to wish was not in power three months from now.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

MONDAY: Credit where credit is due.

Late on Friday, the credit rating agency Standard & Poor's lowered the United States' credit rating from AAA to AA+. The country's securities are likely still safe, but the U.S. is going to have a much more difficult time getting approved for that apartment it wanted.

Friday, August 5, 2011

FRIDAY: Let it breed.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics announced today that the unemployment rate fell from 9.2% to 9.1% in July, as the U.S. added 117,000 jobs. In revised May and June numbers, though, the country failed to add enough jobs to keep up with population growth, in spite of everything that Mitch McConnell's face did to slow that number.

NASA reported on Thursday that new images of Mars reveal that there may be flowing salt-water on the planet. This comes as a great relief to those who believed that humans would one day have to live a taffy-less existence there.

Korean scientists have genetically engineered a beagle to glow in the dark, so hopefully it will now be easier for everyone to see their food.

Have a great weekend, or next time just try to have a worse week.

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Thursday, August 4, 2011

THURSDAY: For what it's birth.

Today is President Barack Obama's 50th birthday, a fact that was confirmed when earlier this year he finally revealed his longform birth certificate. Prior to that point millions of so-called "birthers" believed that Obama had actually been created in a basement laboratory at Harvard University's Kenyan satellite campus by radical Muslim climate change scientists, funded by estate tax hikes, made from the combined DNA of Malcolm X and The Weather Underground, created to use the Trojan Horse of hope and change to implement an Islamic takeover of the U.S. government that would manifest itself as Soviet Communism masquerading under the veil of European Socialism.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

WEDNESDAY: A breached network.

A leading security firm has uncovered logs to indicate that the United States has been the victim of cyber-spying, from a source most likely originating in China. The hackers are likely wondering just who all of the birds are that the country is dealing with, as well as why they are, in fact, so angry.

The White House said yesterday that referring to Tea Party members as "terrorists" is completely inappropriate. Press Secretary Jay Carney said it would be far more accurate to just call them "obstructionist assholes."

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

TUESDAY: The royal treatment.

Returning from his cousin's wedding this past weekend, Prince William and his wife Catherine Middleton flew coach, instead of using private travel. The future king said that he needs to learn to not only be the people's voice, but also their smell.

Nearly 3.8 million children had concussions last year while taking part in sports and recreation, or according to them, 5.

Monday, August 1, 2011

MONDAY: Pass the point of no return.

The Senate will work today to pass a compromise bill to raise the debt ceiling, which was worked out by President Obama and Congressional leaders. Absolutely no one appears to be happy with the deal, including the White House chef who could not believe how many turtle pellets Mitch McConnell can rip through in an afternoon.

Progressives argue that Democratic leaders completely caved to Republican demands in light of the looming deadline. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid firmly rebutted that claim, saying that the party absolutely does not need a deadline in order to cave to Republican demands.

Hard-line conservatives are enraged that Speaker John Boehner and Minority Leader McConnell would consent to raising the debt ceiling at all. Instead, they felt they had a much better chance to restore America by giving it away to its investors and then just buying back the Constitution and NFL football.