MONDAY: Happy Halloween.

Herman Cain is under fire after allegations emerged that he sexually harassed women during his time as head of the National Restaurant Association. Aides say that he was simply urging them to take his flat tax. Cain has not pushed back against the claims himself yet, mainly because once he starts pushing back he cannot stop himself.

Steve Jobs' sister revealed the luminary's last words in The New York Times over the weekend. Apparently before passing the Apple founder called, "Cardinals in seven."

The world population hit 7 billion people today, although it weighed in at 7 billion people a couple decades ago.

FRIDAY: Royal tease.

Daughters of British monarchs will now have equal rights to assume the throne as their brothers under changes to the United Kingdom's succession laws passed on Friday. Finally, in the year 2012, a woman has just as much of a right to assume a ceremonial position restricted by royal prerogative.

A dramatic Game 6 of the World Series drew big ratings for Fox, mainly due to viewers who were tuning in early for Sunday football.

The Statue of Liberty turns 125 today, a symbol of the bold and unflappable friendship between the United States and France. Lady Liberty plans to spend the special day by herself, reflecting on how wonderful it is to never gain neck fat.

Have a great weekend, if you dare.

Follow along at Twitter.com/TheWeekinRebuke.

THURSDAY: Primary selection.

The Massachusetts Democratic Senate primary was completely cleared on Wednesday, and only Elizabeth Warren now remains. Although there is no proof that she murdered all of the other candidates, those who know her said she is capable of some truly dark shit if she gets worked up enough.

Warren has made many fans since President Obama took office, with her no nonsense defense of the working class, her championing of liberal ideals and her total unwillingness to stop looking like someone's hyper-intellectual aunt. 

Now Warren, a former Harvard Law professor, turns her attention to Republican Scott Brown, a former underwear model, for the general election. Aides expect Warren to challenge Brown to as many debates as possible, and perhaps, at least one drug test.

WEDNESDAY: Just lie back and complain.

Andy Rooney is in the hospital with serious complications following a recent, minor surgical procedure.  The CBS legend did not want to go back to the hospital, but he could not help but make a huge to-do out of something that was not supposed to be a big deal at all.

Police in Oakland, California forced Occupy Oakland protesters to disperse by using tear gas, or as it is known there, "Oakland air."  Law enforcement also shot beanbags at the crowds, which only encouraged them to stick around and hack for a while.

President Obama was on The Tonight Show last night, although at this point in his presidency it was hard to tell whether or not he was just another one of Jay Leno's jokes.

TUESDAY: Paroling along.

Lindsay Lohan has reportedly agreed to pose naked for Playboy. The young actress will earn one million dollars for the pictures after a judge ruled that they could not count toward her community service.

Netflix stock dropped 40% at opening today. The numbers would have been much higher if more of their stockholders had found their return envelopes.

MONDAY: New old news.

Rick Perry is now raising doubts about the authenticity of President Obama's birth certificate, in a new interview posted online by Parade Magazine. Perry said he can neither confirm nor deny the information on the form, mainly because he had it read to him by Texas state public school students.

WikiLeaks, the web site known for sharing insider secrets, is in serious financial trouble that threatens to shut it down entirely, or so the rest of the Internet would have you believe.

The McRib, McDonald's elusive sandwich is coming back to stores nationwide through mid-November. When asked why the chain does not carry the popular sandwich year-round, marketing officials confirmed that it takes a lot longer than you think to make one meat look like another meat.

FRIDAY: The back-up plan.

President Obama announced today that he plans to bring all of the troops home from Iraq by the end of the year. Apparently, he needs all the help he can get to get a jobs bill passed in the Senate.

Michele Bachmann's campaign staff in New Hampshire has quit because the candidate has made no effort there whatsoever. Aides say that Bachmann would love to spend more time in New England, but thinks she needs to focus on campaigning in America.

A new book reveals that President Obama has written personal checks to people who have written him letters and told him their needs. Republicans claim that he must be voted out of office next year to end these kinds of free government hand-outs.

Have a great weekend, whatever it takes.

Follow along at Twitter.com/TheWeekinRebuke.

THURSDAY: Firing off platitudes.

Herman Cain was on the campaign trail yesterday, claiming that he likes "[his] guns and [his] Bible." But he once again refused to say anything about his controversial Bible gun.

According to a report from the International Labour Organization, the global economic crisis is hitting the world's youth the hardest, as they struggle to find work and get by, while the elderly are having a much easier time dying off and being forgotten.

A new Gallup poll shows that a majority of Americans blame President Obama for the bad economy, while a majority of Milli Vanilli continues to blame it on the rain.

Officials confirm that Muammar Gaddafi is dead, but his irrepressible fashion style has been exiled to Google images.

WEDNESDAY: Jacked pot.

GOP presidential candidates met last night for another televised debate in Las Vegas, a place where all of your options seem great at first, but eventually everyone is a loser.

Michele Bachmann wore inch-long fake nails to the event. Her campaign claims that without them it is much harder to get in the pre-debate, ten-bump warm up required for maximum eye twitching and crazy spewing. Bachmann later forgot that Libya was in Africa, and responded to the mistake claiming that everyone should check on that, "Because that Gaddafi fella does not look black."

Herman Cain once again blamed the unemployed for their own troubles, drawing cheers from the Las Vegas audience, who coincidentally, despise the unlucky.

Former half-term governor Sarah Palin said after the debate that the GOP candidates were "bickering" like her children. Following the comment, Bristol and Willow Palin jumped into first and second place in primary polling.  She went on to shill that Newt Gingrich would "clobber" President Obama in a debate, which of course would be his only option after he ran out of apologies and accusations.

TUESDAY: Are you ready to crumble?

In a radio interview on Sunday, self-proclaimed GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum said that his brief appearance in a sketch on Saturday Night Live that poked at his ultra-conservative views, was "bullying." He added that the sketch would have been more reasonable if the audience saw how the gays in the scene were destroying modern society. A Santorum aide followed up to say they were incredibly grateful for the airtime.

An evangelical Christian adviser to Mitt Romney accused Rick Perry's campaign of injecting the issue of Romney's Mormon faith into the primary race. Perry's camp responded, insisting that notion was crazier than thinking Jesus visited the Americas.

MONDAY: Growing campaigns.

President Obama heads to North Carolina and Virginia this week to promote his jobs bill, after Senate Republicans blocked it last week. The president's impassioned argument for the bill in those swing states, should provide the much-needed inertia for Senate Republicans to block it this week.

Apple sold over 4 million units of its new iPhone 4S over the weekend, which means there are about 4 million people at work today who seriously, just have to show you something real quick.

A new book poses the theory that Vincent Van Gogh was actually killed in France, instead of committing suicide. French police say they will give it their full attention as soon as they finish up investigating cases from the 1880s, and move on to the 1890s.

FRIDAY: Catching the summer heat.

Senator Scott Brown spoke out today about charges of plagiarism against him, saying that a summer intern is to blame for a whole passage in a speech of his lifted from Elizabeth Dole's website. Brown understood that the text was borrowed, but was certain that it cannot be considered plagiarism since he did not pay anyone to do it.

Lindsay Lohan has been kicked out of a program where she was supposed to complete her community service. The young actress rarely showed up, always left early and repeatedly attempted to snort her coworkers.

Mitt Romney's fundraising intake has slowed, in what could be a troubling sign for the frontrunner. The issue may stem from Romney exclusively getting donations delivered as truckloads of gold bars, which keep breaking under the weight and crushing nearby middle class families.

Rush Limbaugh said that Mitt Romney is "not a conservative" yesterday, which luckily the presidential candidate did not hear since he never listens to the show.

May your weekend feel as long as the week that preceded it.

Follow along at Twitter.com/TheWeekinRebuke.

THURSDAY: Having a word or two.

Senator Scott Brown is accused of plagiarism this week, lifting comments from a 2002 speech by Elizabeth Dole. Brown's staff claims that it was the result of a technical error, commonly known as "pasting." Brown himself went on to say that while he is not exactly clear on what the definition of plagiarism is, he just thought he was taking someone else's work and passing it off as his own.

Herman Cain has jumped to the top of one national poll of GOP presidential candidates, which should give him plenty of room for a spectacular dive to the bottom.

WEDNESDAY: Getting fact up.

After the GOP debate last night, Gov. Rick Perry visited a fraternity and made a comment that implied the Revolutionary War was fought in the 16th century. Critics jumped all over the gaffe, but the confident Perry said he would be happy to show them the Texas public school text book that confirms he is right.

Senate Republicans voted down President Obama's jobs bill yesterday. The president responded, saying, "We can't take 'no' for an answer." Senate Democrats responded, "Yes we can."

Traci Nobles, the former cheerleading coach who exchanged illicit text messages with Rep. Anthony Weiner, has now released a book about her online affair with the congressman. Nobles said that writing the book was one of the hardest things she has ever done, because the publishers kept insisting that it be longer than 140 characters.

TUESDAY: NBNay.

Commissioner David Stern announced yesterday that the first two weeks of the NBA are canceled because negotiations failed to resolve the lockout.  The move means that there will not be any games until after November 14th, but the Kings will still find a way to lose $300 million by November 13th.

During the lockout teams are not allowed to train in their official facilities, but Gilbert Arenas is still allowed to eat wherever he wants to.

Many players are considering going to play in Europe, which would not only mean getting to play this season, but also living out their fantasies of spending entire games dunking on white people.

LeBron James, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh played in an exhibition game over the weekend, where they messed around, had some fun and did not play much defense. Fans reported that it was just like being at a Miami Heat playoff game.

MONDAY: Lining them up to tear them down.

Ron Paul won the straw poll at the Values Voter Summit in Washington DC over the weekend. The VVS poll is, of course, the only one that asks voters to rank candidates in reverse order based on height, weight and political influence.

Netflix announced today that it will not split into two companies and form a DVD-mailing service called Qwikster separate from their online streaming business. Instead, they will remain one entity making it much easier for customers to resent their entire business.

A fan ran on the green and threw a hot dog at Tiger Woods over the weekend. Tiger said it was not that big of a deal, but could have turned out pretty badly if the fan had thrown a vagina at him instead.

FRIDAY: Early voting.

Iowa will now hold its caucuses on January 3rd instead of February 6th in order to stay ahead of other states as the most relevant primary location. Nevada is now expected to hold their primary on Monday, while South Carolina claims that they held theirs two weeks ago, and everyone lost.

Majority Leader Harry Reid led the Democrats in a rare power play to overrule the Senate parliamentarian last night. The so called "nuclear option" sets a dangerous precedent, as future Senates now may also have the gall to ask Harry Reid to accomplish something.

The suped up new iPhone 4S went on sale online today complete with a personal assistant function called Siri. You can order one now, but you will have to wait to see whether or not the phone selects you.

Sharon Osbourne took a vacation from The View to have her breast implants removed.  She said that it only took Ozzie about fifteen minutes to tear in there and get them out.

In other news:
-Michele Bachmann is having a hard time accepting that God does not want her to run for president.

-Federal prosecutors are raiding selected California medical marijuana dispensaries, because it is really hard to get good weed in Washington.

-And, 100% of students at Clearwater Christian College are in fraternities, because nothing celebrates Jesus like rearing your brothers.

Enjoy this weekend, because the others are already taken.

Follow along at Twitter.com/TheWeekinRebuke.

THURSDAY: RiP.

Apple founder Steve Jobs has passed away at the age of 56. The world of personal computers, electronic music players and smart phones may now begin sucking accordingly.

Former half-term governor Sarah Palin announced that she will not run for president in 2012 yesterday, because no one had the balls to tell her earlier.

WEDNESDAY: Old news.

In a recent interview, Fox News overlord Roger Ailes claims that he only hired Sarah Palin because she was "hot and got ratings."  That approach is to be expected, considering Ailes was only hired to run the network because he was cunning and repulsive. In fact, the Fox News motto, "Fair and Balanced," was originally the more accurate, "Sexy and Popular,"

Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann was on the campaign trail in Iowa yesterday where she agreed with a supporter who said that President Obama should be impeached.  Bachmann continues to be a bold and determined candidate, willing to knock on doors, shake hands and agree with anyone who is possibly willing to vote for her.

A new in-depth study from the Congressional Budget Office claims that the economy would be much better if only the economy were better.

TUESDAY: Fat chance.

New Jersey governor Chris Christie will reportedly announce at a press conference today that he is not going to run for president.  From the looks of things, Christie has never had any interest in running of any kind.

ESPN pulled the opening to Monday Night Football last night after Hank Williams Jr. made comments on Fox News comparing President Obama to Adolph Hitler.  Williams Jr. defended the remarks saying that he was just trying to, "get ready for some football."

Michele Bachmann has lost more aides from her campaign, a sign that she is having a hard time raising money and may be on her way out of the race.  The news is certain to piss off God, who, according to Bachmann, had chosen her to rule the free world.

MONDAY: The new adventures of old Christie.

If New Jersey governor Chris Christie announces that he is running for president this week, he will have to start answering questions about a long history of past transgressions that include budget mismanagement, cronyism and abusing his office. Christie had to swallow his pride in his last campaign, although from the looks of things he has not fully digested it yet.

Despite over 700 arrests this past weekend, the Occupy Wall Street Protestors are staying in place and continuing to fight for their myriad of interests.  The group appears undeterred by spending nights, sleeping on sidewalks, mainly because being outside on Wall Street is a lot nicer than inside their Brooklyn apartments.

Sarah Palin recently referred to GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain as the "flavor of the week." Cain responded that his flavor was "black walnut," and added that if Palin would like a taste, "black walnut" is also the flavor of his balls.